7 Common Early Signs of Autism in Infants and Toddlers

There is a particular kind of worry that settles in quietly. It is not dramatic. It does not arrive all at once. It is the kind that builds slowly, in the small moments. The way your baby does not turn toward your voice. The way your toddler lines up toys instead of playing with them. The way certain sounds send them into a spiral that takes a long time to come back from.

Most parents who end up on this page are not panicking. They are paying attention. And paying attention early is one of the most powerful things a parent can do.

Autism can be identified as early as 18 months in some children, and in many cases, signs are present even earlier than that. The earlier a child receives the right support, the better the outcomes tend to be. Not because autism needs to be fixed, but because understanding how your child experiences the world means you can build an environment that actually works for them.

This post walks through seven of the most common early signs of autism in infants and toddlers. It is not a diagnostic tool. Only a qualified professional can diagnose autism. But it is a starting point for parents who want to understand what they are seeing and what to do next.

Table of Contents

• What Are Some Common Early Signs of Autism in Infants and Toddlers?

• Sign 1: Limited or No Eye Contact

• Sign 2: Not Responding to Their Name

• Sign 3: Delayed or Absent Speech and Language

• Sign 4: Repetitive Movements or Behaviours

• Sign 5: Difficulty With Changes in Routine

• Sign 6: Unusual Sensory Responses

• Sign 7: Limited Interest in Other Children or Social Play

• What to Do If You Recognize These Signs

• Helpful Resources to Bookmark

• Final Thoughts

What Are Some Common Early Signs of Autism in Infants and Toddlers?

This is one of the most searched questions by parents who are beginning to notice something different about their child's development. And it is the right question to be asking.

According to the World Health Organization, in 2021 about 1 in 127 persons had autism, making it one of the most common neurodevelopmental conditions in the world. Yet many children are still not diagnosed until school age or later, often because the early signs were not recognised or were dismissed by well-meaning professionals.

The signs listed below are not a checklist where ticking three boxes means your child is autistic. They are patterns worth paying attention to, patterns that, if present consistently and across different settings, are worth discussing with your child's paediatrician.

Sign 1: Limited or No Eye Contact

Eye contact is one of the earliest forms of human connection. Most babies begin making meaningful eye contact from around six to eight weeks old. By three months, a baby will typically hold your gaze, smile back, and track your face as you move.

In many autistic infants and toddlers, eye contact is limited, inconsistent, or absent entirely. This does not mean the child is unaware of the people around them. Many autistic children are deeply attuned to their environment. But the natural pull toward a caregiver's eyes that most neurotypical babies show may not be there in the same way.

What to look for:

• Baby rarely looks at your face during feeding or play

• Toddler looks past you or through you rather than at you during conversation

• Eye contact happens only briefly or seems to take effort

• Child does not look toward where you are pointing

It is worth noting that some autistic children make plenty of eye contact. The absence of eye contact alone does not confirm autism. But combined with other signs, it is something to bring up with a professional.

Sign 2: Not Responding to Their Name

According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, by around nine months, most babies will reliably turn toward the sound of their own name. It is one of the earliest markers of social awareness and language development.

A common early sign of autism is a child who does not consistently respond when called by name. Parents often describe this as the child seeming to be in their own world. They may respond to other sounds, loud noises, music, or their favourite show, but not to a familiar voice calling their name directly.

This is important to note because it can be mistaken for a hearing issue. If you are concerned, a hearing test is a sensible first step. But if hearing is confirmed to be normal and your child still does not respond consistently to their name by twelve months, it is worth raising with your doctor.

Sign 3: Delayed or Absent Speech and Language

Speech and language development varies widely between children, and not all delays point to autism. But certain patterns of language development are more commonly associated with autism than with typical developmental variation.

These include:

• No babbling by twelve months

• No single words by sixteen months

• No two-word phrases by twenty-four months

• Loss of previously acquired language skills at any age

That last point is particularly significant. A child who was developing speech and then stops using words they previously had is showing a regression that should always be assessed promptly.

Some autistic children develop language on a typical timeline but use it in atypical ways. They may repeat phrases from television or books, a pattern called echolalia. They may speak in a very literal way, struggle with back-and-forth conversation, or use language to narrate rather than communicate with others.

According to Autism Speaks, around the world 1 in 100 children are diagnosed with autism, and communication differences are among the most consistent features across those diagnoses.

Dropped in a Maze by Sonia Chand walks through the reality of navigating communication differences and everything that comes with them in the early years. Order your copy today

Sign 4: Repetitive Movements or Behaviours

Repetitive movements, often called stimming, are one of the most recognised features of autism. These are movements or behaviours that are repeated consistently and often serve a self-regulating function for the child.

Common examples in infants and toddlers include:

• Hand flapping, particularly when excited or distressed

• Rocking back and forth while sitting or standing

• Spinning in circles repeatedly

• Toe walking

• Lining up toys or objects rather than using them in play

• Spinning wheels on toy cars and watching them closely rather than playing with the car itself

It is important to understand that stimming is not inherently harmful. For many autistic people, repetitive movements are a way of managing sensory input, expressing emotion, or simply finding comfort. The goal should never be to eliminate stimming. The goal is to understand what it communicates about how your child is experiencing their environment.

Sign 5: Difficulty With Changes in Routine

Many autistic children have a strong need for sameness and predictability. When routines are disrupted, even in ways that seem minor to a parent, the response can be intense and prolonged.

This might look like:

• Significant distress when a usual route is changed

• Meltdowns triggered by unexpected transitions, like leaving the park earlier than expected

• Insistence on eating the same foods in the same order

• Distress if furniture is moved or items are not in their usual place

• Needing the same bedtime routine performed in exactly the same way every night

Understanding this as a neurological need rather than defiance or stubbornness changes everything about how you respond to it. A child who falls apart when the routine changes is not being difficult. They are experiencing genuine distress in a world that feels unpredictable.

This is one of the areas where the shift from autism awareness to autism acceptance makes the most practical difference in daily family life. If you have not yet read the post on autism awareness vs autism acceptance, it gives important context for understanding why the way we frame these behaviours matters so much.

Sign 6: Unusual Sensory Responses

The sensory world is experienced differently by many autistic children. Some are hypersensitive, meaning they are easily overwhelmed by sensory input that most people barely notice. Others are hyposensitive, meaning they seek out intense sensory experiences and seem to have a higher threshold for pain or discomfort.

Hypersensitive responses might include:

• Covering ears at sounds that do not seem loud to others

• Distress around certain textures in clothing or food

• Extreme reactions to bright lights or busy visual environments

• Refusing to walk on grass or sand barefoot

Hyposensitive responses might include:

• Seeking out strong physical pressure, wanting to be squeezed or wrapped tightly

• Appearing not to notice pain, like a fall that would make most children cry

• Mouthing objects well beyond the typical age for this behaviour

• Craving movement, spinning, or jumping constantly

Neither pattern is better or worse. They are simply different ways of processing the world. Once you understand your child's sensory profile, you can make adjustments that genuinely reduce their daily stress levels.

Sign 7: Limited Interest in Other Children or Social Play

Most toddlers begin showing interest in other children around the age of two. They may not play together in a fully interactive way yet, but they notice each other, imitate each other, and show curiosity about what other children are doing.

Autistic toddlers may show little interest in other children. They may prefer solitary play, seem unaware of other children in the room, or not engage in the imitative play that most toddlers naturally fall into.

Pretend play is another area worth watching. By around eighteen to twenty-four months, most children begin using objects symbolically, pretending a banana is a phone or feeding a doll. This kind of imaginative, symbolic play is often delayed or absent in autistic toddlers.

This does not mean autistic children do not want connection. Many autistic children are deeply affectionate and social in their own way. But the social instincts that develop automatically in neurotypical children may need to be taught, modelled, and supported deliberately in autistic children.

The podcast covers this topic in depth, including honest conversations about what social development really looks like for autistic children and how families can support it without forcing neurotypical behavior patterns.

Listen to the podcast here and join thousands of families navigating the same questions.

What to Do If You Recognize These Signs

If you have read through this post and several of these signs feel familiar, the most important thing you can do right now is act without waiting.

Here is a simple starting point:

Talk to your paediatrician at the next appointment: Bring specific examples of what you have been observing, written down if possible. Do not wait to be asked. Bring it up yourself.

Request a developmental screening: In many countries this is a standard part of well-child checks, but it is not always done automatically. Ask for it specifically.

Do not let anyone tell you to wait and see without a clear reason: Early intervention is consistently shown to make a meaningful difference. Waiting costs time that matters.

Start reading and learning now: Understanding autism before a formal diagnosis means you are already building the knowledge you need. The best selling autism books on this topic include titles written by autistic authors, parents, and clinicians that will give you a much fuller picture than any single blog post can.

Book a coaching session here if you want to talk through what you are seeing with someone who understands the journey from the inside.

Final Thoughts

Noticing these signs in your child does not mean something is wrong. It means you are paying close attention to someone you love deeply, and that attention is the foundation of everything good that comes next.

An autism diagnosis, if that is where this leads, is not the end of anything. It is the beginning of understanding. It is the moment when the guessing stops and the real support can begin.

The families who navigate this journey well are not the ones who had all the answers early. They are the ones who stayed curious, stayed connected, and kept showing up for their child even when the road was unclear.

That is exactly what you are already doing by being here.

Newly Diagnosed: What to Do After Your Child Gets an Autism Diagnosis

Getting an autism diagnosis for your child is one of those moments that splits life into before and after. One moment you are sitting in a doctor's office, the next you are walking out with a piece of paper that changes everything and nothing at the same time.

The questions come fast. What does this mean for my child's future? Where do we even start? Who do we call? What do we stop doing and what do we do more of? The noise inside your head can feel deafening.

This post is for that moment. It is for the parent sitting in the car park after the appointment, unsure of what the next step looks like. It is a practical, honest guide to what actually comes next, not a list of scary statistics or overwhelming medical jargon, but a real roadmap written by someone who has been exactly where you are standing right now.

Table of Contents

• Let Yourself Feel It First

• Understand What the Diagnosis Actually Means

• Build Your Support Team

• Learn About Available Therapies

• Navigate School and Education Support

• Take Care of Yourself Too

• Connect With the Right Community

• What Acceptance Actually Looks Like From Here

• Final Thoughts

Let Yourself Feel It First

Before the appointments, the research, the therapy referrals, and the school meetings, there is this: permission to feel whatever you are feeling right now.

For some parents, a diagnosis brings relief. It gives a name to something they have been sensing for a long time. For others, it brings grief. Not grief for their child, but grief for the future they had imagined. Both of those responses are completely valid. So is everything in between.

The worst thing you can do in the days right after a diagnosis is bury the emotions under a mountain of action. Doing things feels productive. It feels like you are fighting for your child. And there will absolutely be a time for that. But right now, give yourself a few days to simply sit with what just happened.

Talk to your partner if you have one. Call a friend. Write it down. Cry if you need to. The parents who navigate this journey well are not the ones who skipped the hard feelings. They are the ones who moved through them.

Autism Diagnosis

Understand What the Diagnosis Actually Means

Once the initial wave settles, the next step is understanding what you have actually been told. Autism Spectrum Disorder, or ASD, is a neurodevelopmental condition that affects how a person communicates, processes information, and experiences the world around them.

The word "spectrum" is important here. Autism looks different in every single person who has it. Two children with the same diagnosis can have vastly different strengths, challenges, communication styles, and support needs. A diagnosis tells you the category. It does not tell you the full story of your child.

Some things worth understanding early:

• Autism is not caused by parenting style, diet, vaccines, or anything you did or did not do

• Autism is lifelong but it does not mean your child's life will be limited

• Early support and the right environment make an enormous difference

• Autistic people live full, meaningful, connected lives

Reading widely and from credible sources matters here. It also matters to read from autistic people themselves, not just medical literature. Their lived experience will teach you things no clinical document can.

The best selling autism books recommended in this space cover everything from early diagnosis to adult life, and many are written by autistic authors or parents who have walked this road. Start there before you start Googling at midnight.

Dropped in a Maze by Sonia Chand is one of those books. It is an honest account of navigating the autism journey without a map. Order your copy here and read it in those early weeks when everything feels uncertain.

Build Your Support Team

One of the most important things to do after a diagnosis is to build a team around your child and around your family. You are not meant to do this alone, and trying to will burn you out faster than anything else.

Your support team will likely include a mix of the following:

A developmental paediatrician or child psychiatrist who can monitor your child's development over time and adjust recommendations as your child grows.

A speech and language therapist especially if communication is an area of need. This does not only apply to children who are nonverbal. Many autistic children have language but struggle with the social use of it, and a good speech therapist works on both.

An occupational therapist who helps with sensory processing, fine motor skills, and the daily living tasks that can feel overwhelming for autistic children.

A clinical psychologist who can support your child's emotional regulation and also support you as a parent navigating complex feelings and decisions.

Your child's school or early years setting who need to know about the diagnosis so the right support can be put in place as early as possible.

Building this team takes time. Not everyone will be the right fit. It is completely acceptable to change therapists or seek second opinions. Think of yourself as the project manager of your child's care, and do not be afraid to ask questions, push back, or request different approaches.

Learn About Available Therapies

After a diagnosis, many parents are handed a list of therapy recommendations and left to figure out what they all mean. Here is a plain language breakdown of the most common ones:

Applied Behaviour Analysis (ABA): This is one of the most widely recommended and also one of the most debated therapies in the autism community. It focuses on behaviour and skill building. If it is recommended for your child, research both the evidence base and the critiques, particularly from autistic adults who have experienced it.

Speech and Language Therapy: Focuses on communication, both verbal and nonverbal, and on the social use of language.

Occupational Therapy: Addresses sensory processing, coordination, self-care skills, and daily routines.

Social Skills Groups: Structured settings where autistic children learn and practise social interaction with peers.

Play Therapy: Particularly useful for younger children, using play as a medium for communication and emotional development.

The goal of any therapy should not be to make your child appear less autistic. The goal should be to help your child communicate, connect, and navigate the world in a way that works for them. Keep that standard when evaluating any recommendation you receive.

Navigate School and Education Support

School is often where the biggest battles happen, and where the right support makes the most visible difference. Once you have a diagnosis, you have the right to request that your child's school puts formal accommodations in place.

Depending on where you live this might be called an Individual Education Plan, an Education Health and Care Plan, or a Special Educational Needs support plan. The name differs by country but the principle is the same: a documented, legally binding plan that outlines what support your child will receive in school.

Some things to push for when working with schools:

• A named key worker or point of contact for your child

• Sensory accommodations such as a quiet space or movement breaks

• Clear and consistent communication between school and home

• Staff who have received autism-specific training

• Flexibility in how your child demonstrates learning, not every child does well in written tests

Do not wait for the school to come to you. Request a meeting as soon as the diagnosis is confirmed. Come prepared with what you know about your child's needs. You are the expert on your child. The school is the expert on education. The best outcomes happen when both of those things are respected.

To understand the broader context of autism support and what this month means for families like yours, the World Autism Awareness Day guide covers the global conversation around autism rights and inclusion happening right now.

Take Care of Yourself Too

This section gets skipped far too often and it is one of the most important ones on this list.

Parenting an autistic child can be joyful, profound, and deeply rewarding. It can also be exhausting, isolating, and emotionally complex in ways that are hard to explain to people who have not lived it. Both of those things are true at the same time.

Caregiver burnout is real. It looks like chronic exhaustion, emotional numbness, resentment, anxiety, and the feeling that you have completely lost yourself in your child's needs. It is not a sign of weakness or bad parenting. It is what happens when someone gives without ever refilling.

Some things that genuinely help:

• Finding one thing each week that is entirely for you

• Connecting with other autism parents who actually get it

• Being honest with your partner, family, or close friends about what you need

• Getting professional support if the anxiety or grief feels unmanageable

• Accepting help when it is offered instead of insisting you are fine

The podcast is a space built for exactly this, for the conversations that are hard to have anywhere else, the ones about the grief and the guilt and the love and the impossible decisions. Thousands of families tune in every week because it helps to know you are not alone in this.

Listen to the podcast here and find your community.

Community

Connect With the Right Community

The autism community is large, passionate, and full of people who will become some of the most important relationships in your life. Finding your corner of it early makes a significant difference.

Look for:

Parent support groups both local and online. Facebook groups, in-person meetups, and charity-run workshops can connect you with parents at every stage of the journey.

Autistic-led spaces where autistic adults share their experiences. Following autistic writers, advocates, and content creators gives you a perspective that no amount of clinical reading can replace.

Family organisations in your country that offer helplines, resources, and guidance on navigating diagnosis and support systems.

One thing to be mindful of: not all autism communities are created equal. Some spaces are led primarily by parents and focus heavily on challenges and deficits. Others centre autistic voices and focus on acceptance and empowerment. Seek out the latter. It will shape how you see your child and how your child eventually sees themselves.

Also, take a look at the discussion around autism awareness vs autism acceptance to understand why the language and framing you choose from the very beginning matters more than most people realise.

What Acceptance Actually Looks Like From Here

Here is something that takes most parents a while to arrive at: the goal is not to minimise your child's autism. The goal is to understand it deeply enough that you can build a life around it that genuinely works.

That means letting go of comparisons with neurotypical children. It means measuring your child's progress against their own journey, not against a developmental chart designed for a different kind of brain. It means celebrating the wins that other people might not even notice, the first time your child made eye contact with a stranger, the morning they got through a transition without a meltdown, the day they told you about something that made them happy.

It also means advocating loudly and consistently for a world that makes room for your child exactly as they are. In schools, in public spaces, in family gatherings, in every environment your child moves through.

That journey from diagnosis to acceptance is not linear and it is not quick. But it is absolutely possible. Sonia Chand's book Dropped in a Maze walks through exactly that journey, the confusion, the wrong turns, the moments of clarity, and the hard-won understanding that came from living it rather than just reading about it.

Order Dropped in a Maze today. It is the book so many parents wish they had in those first weeks after diagnosis.

Final Thoughts

A diagnosis is not a ceiling. It is a starting point.

It is the moment when the guessing stops and the understanding begins. It is the moment when the right support can finally be put in place, because now there is a name for what your child needs and a roadmap, however imperfect, for how to get there.

The road ahead will have hard days. There will be appointments that go nowhere and professionals who do not listen and systems that were not designed with your child in mind. There will also be breakthroughs, unexpected moments of connection, and a depth of love that is difficult to put into words.

You are not starting this journey because something is wrong with your child. You are starting it because your child deserves to be understood, supported, and celebrated for exactly who they are.

That is worth everything.

To find out more about global autism support and how to mark April 2nd this year, visit the full guide on World Autism Awareness Day.

Autism Awareness vs. Autism Acceptance: What Is the Difference and Why It Matters

Every April, the conversation around autism picks up momentum. Social media fills with blue lights, puzzle pieces, and awareness campaigns. Schools send home flyers. Organizations run events. And while all of that comes from a genuine place, there is a question worth sitting with this month: is awareness actually enough?

The autism community has been asking that question for years. And the answer, increasingly, is no.

Autism awareness and autism acceptance are not the same thing. Understanding the difference between them is not just an exercise in language. It shapes the kind of support autistic people receive, the environments they are allowed to exist in, and the quality of life they get to live.

This post breaks down what each term means, why the shift from one to the other matters, and what autism acceptance actually looks like in practice.

Table of Contents

• What is Autism Awareness?

• What Autism Acceptance Is

• Why the Language We Use Shapes the Support We Build

• The History Behind the Shift

• What the Research Says About Acceptance

• What Autism Acceptance Looks Like in Real Life

• The Symbols Debate: What It Reveals About Acceptance

• Moving From Awareness to Acceptance: A Practical Starting Point

• For Anyone Just Starting This Journey

• Want to Keep Learning?

• Final Thoughts

Autism Awareness

What is Autism Awareness?

Autism awareness is the effort to make the general public know that autism exists. It grew out of a time when autism was widely misunderstood, rarely discussed openly, and often handled with fear or shame. The goal was visibility: put autism on the public radar and make it something people could name and recognize.

That mission achieved a great deal. Today, most people have heard of autism. Most can name at least one autistic person in their life, even if they do not always realize it. Decades of awareness campaigns made autism a household word, and that was genuinely important.

But awareness has a ceiling.

It tells people autism exists without telling them what to do with that knowledge. It says "look" without saying "include." At its core, awareness is still rooted in a deficit model. It tends to focus on what autistic people cannot do, the challenges, the struggles, the ways autism makes daily life harder. It frames autism as a problem the world needs to solve rather than a difference the world needs to accommodate.

Knowing something exists and knowing how to make space for it are two very different things.

Autism Acceptance

What Autism Acceptance Is

Autism acceptance goes further. It does not just ask people to know that autism is real. It asks people to actively make room for it, in their schools, workplaces, families, and communities.

Acceptance operates from a fundamentally different starting point. It starts from the position that autistic people do not need to be fixed. They need to be included.

This shift changes everything. When a child grows up surrounded by awareness, they grow up hearing that they are a problem someone is working to solve. When they grow up surrounded by acceptance, they grow up knowing they belong exactly as they are.

The difference between those two experiences is not small. It is the difference between a life spent masking and shrinking and a life spent understanding and expressing who you actually are.

Why the Language We Use Shapes the Support We Build

Language is not just about being polite. The words used around autism directly influence the kind of support systems that get built.

Awareness thinking tends to produce interventions designed to make autistic people appear more neurotypical. The focus becomes reducing visible signs of autism rather than helping autistic individuals understand themselves and build lives that genuinely work for them.

Acceptance thinking asks different questions entirely. What does this person need to communicate effectively? What environment helps them learn and thrive? What sensory accommodations make them feel safe and focused? How do we support their strengths rather than only targeting their differences?

Those are better questions. And they lead to better outcomes.

The History Behind the Shift

World Autism Awareness Day was established by the United Nations in 2007. It was a significant milestone. Governments, schools, and organizations around the world began marking April 2nd in ways they never had before.

Over time, however, autistic self-advocates and their allies began pushing back against the framing. Awareness campaigns, they pointed out, were largely led by neurotypical people, often without meaningful input from autistic individuals themselves. And despite years of awareness, employment rates for autistic adults remained critically low, access to services remained inconsistent, and quality of life for many autistic adults had not meaningfully improved.

The Autistic Self Advocacy Network and other organizations began championing the phrase "nothing about us without us." They called for a shift from awareness to acceptance, from campaigns about autistic people to campaigns led by and centered on autistic people.

Today, many organizations including the Autism Society of America officially recognize April as Autism Acceptance Month. That is not a cosmetic change. It reflects an entire movement demanding more than visibility.

What the Research Says About Acceptance

The difference between awareness and acceptance is not just philosophical. It has measurable, documented outcomes.

Research has consistently shown that autistic individuals who experience greater social acceptance report significantly better mental health. Conversely, the pressure to mask, to suppress autistic traits in order to blend in with neurotypical peers, is strongly associated with higher rates of anxiety, depression, and autistic burnout.

A 2021 study published in the journal Autism found that autistic people who experienced higher levels of acceptance from those around them reported lower burnout and greater life satisfaction. The science confirms what autistic people have been saying for a long time: belonging is not a luxury. It is a fundamental human need. And autistic people flourish when that need is met.

What Autism Acceptance Looks Like in Real Life

Acceptance is a practice, not just a position. Here is what it looks like across everyday settings:

In schools: Sensory-friendly classrooms, flexible communication options, and educators trained to understand neurodiversity rather than simply manage behavior. An autistic student's value is not measured by how well they can mask.

In workplaces: Hiring processes that do not penalize people for stimming during interviews, offices designed with quiet spaces, and managers who communicate expectations directly and clearly.

In families: Letting go of the child you expected and getting genuinely curious about the child in front of you. Following their lead. Celebrating their interests. Building routines and environments that fit them rather than forcing them to fit a mold that was never designed for them.

In communities: Accessible events, sensory-friendly public spaces, and a culture where difference is not merely tolerated but genuinely welcomed.

Understanding what acceptance looks like inside a family, through the diagnosis, the confusion, the grief, and ultimately the clarity, is exactly what the best selling autism books in this space explore deeply. One worth starting with is Dropped in a Maze, Sonia Chand's honest account of navigating autism without a map.

Get your copy of Dropped in a Maze here and start finding your footing.

The Symbols Debate: What It Reveals About Acceptance

If you have spent time in autism spaces online, you have likely come across debates about symbols. The puzzle piece, long associated with autism awareness, has become deeply controversial. Many autistic people find it offensive, feeling it implies they are incomplete or missing something.

The gold infinity symbol has grown as an alternative, representing the infinite diversity of autistic experiences and the wholeness of autistic people.

Similarly, "Light It Up Blue" has faced criticism from autistic self-advocates, many of whom have chosen red as a symbol of their own making rather than one handed down by organizations that do not represent them.

These conversations are not just about logos and colours. They are about who gets to define what autism means. Acceptance means making room for autistic people to answer that question themselves.

Moving From Awareness to Acceptance: A Practical Starting Point

The shift from awareness to acceptance does not require a grand gesture. It is built in small, repeated choices.

Listen to autistic voices. Seek out books, podcasts, and content created by autistic people. Let their perspectives shape how you understand their experience rather than relying only on outside interpretations.

Examine your language. Do you describe autism as a tragedy? Do you talk about autistic people as "suffering from" their diagnosis? The frame matters more than most people realize.

Advocate in your immediate spaces. Does your child's school have sensory accommodations? Does your workplace have neurodiversity policies? Change does not always start at the top. It often starts exactly where you are.

Celebrate differences. The 2026 Autism Acceptance Month theme is Celebrate Differences. That is worth taking literally. What would it look like to not just accommodate but genuinely celebrate the ways autistic people experience and contribute to the world?

For anyone who wants support navigating this journey and building something sustainable around it, one-on-one coaching sessions are available for parents and caregivers who are ready to move from overwhelmed to equipped.

Book a coaching session here and get the clarity and tools you need.

For Anyone Just Starting This Journey

A new diagnosis, whether for a child or an adult, can feel completely disorienting. The system is complicated. The emotions are layered. And the advice coming from every direction is often contradictory.

Dropped in a Maze was written for exactly that moment. It is an honest account of navigating autism without a map, and it is filled with the kind of insight that only comes from having actually lived it. If you are in the early stages of this journey and you need something that speaks to the reality of what you are going through, this is the book to start with.

Order Dropped in a Maze today. You do not have to figure this out alone

Want to Keep Learning?

Reading is a great starting point. But ongoing conversation, community, and support make a lasting difference.

The podcast is where those deeper conversations happen, honest discussions about what it really looks like to move from fear to acceptance, from confusion to clarity, from surviving to building something that actually works.

Listen to the podcast here and join a community of families on the same path.

Final Thoughts

Awareness told the world that autism exists. Acceptance asks the world to do something meaningful with that knowledge.

The two are not opposites. Awareness was a starting point and it was a necessary one. But staying at the starting point is no longer good enough. Too many autistic people are sitting in classrooms, offices, and family homes waiting to be accepted, not just noticed.

This April, the goal is to go further. To build the kind of world where autistic people do not have to mask to belong, where their differences are not managed but genuinely welcomed, and where the first thing they hear about themselves is not a deficit but the full, complex, worthy truth of who they are.

That is the world worth building. And it starts with understanding the difference between knowing and accepting.

Signs Your Child Needs Emotion Coaching (and What to Do About It)

Does your child explode over small frustrations, shut down when upset, or struggle to say how they feel? You're not alone — and more importantly, there's a name for what they might need.

Research from the American Psychological Association shows that children who develop strong emotional regulation skills early in life experience better academic outcomes, healthier relationships, and improved mental health throughout adolescence and adulthood. The inverse is equally true: children who lack these skills often struggle in ways that compound over time.

That's where signs that a child needs emotion coaching become so important to recognise. Emotion coaching is a research-backed approach — developed by psychologist Dr. John Gottman — that teaches children to understand, name, and manage their feelings. When you know what to look for, you can step in early and make a real difference.

This guide will walk you through exactly what emotion coaching is, the clearest signs your child may need it, why it matters, and the practical steps you can start using today. 

Infographic: The Emotion Coaching Cycle (Noticing feelings → Empathising → Labelling → Problem-solving)

What Is Emotion Coaching?

Emotion coaching is an approach to parenting that treats a child's difficult emotions not as problems to be silenced, but as opportunities to teach and connect. Rather than dismissing or punishing emotional outbursts, emotion-coached parents guide children through their feelings with empathy and language.

The concept was pioneered by Dr. John Gottman following decades of research into family dynamics. His studies found that children of emotion-coaching parents had fewer behavioural problems, performed better academically, and had stronger friendships — even when controlling for other variables.

At its core, emotion coaching involves four key steps: noticing the emotion, using it as an opportunity to connect, helping your child name the feeling, and then working together on limits and solutions.

"Emotion coaching is not just about managing a child's feelings. It's about helping them understand that feelings have value — and that you as the parent are their safe landing place. — Dr. John Gottman, The Heart of Parenting"

It's worth noting that emotion coaching isn't about being permissive. It's not about letting children do whatever they feel like. It's about validating the emotion while still setting firm limits on behaviour. That distinction is what makes it both compassionate and effective.

Want to understand the concept more deeply? Read our full guide on what emotion coaching is before diving into the signs.

How Emotion Coaching Works

Understanding the mechanics of emotion coaching helps you apply it consistently — especially in high-pressure moments when your child is mid-meltdown. It works through two interconnected processes: attunement and scaffolding.

Attunement: Tuning In Before You React

Attunement means noticing and acknowledging your child's emotional state before trying to fix anything. Most parenting instincts push us to immediately soothe, distract, or correct — but emotion coaching asks you to pause and reflect the feeling back first.

When a child feels genuinely seen and understood, their nervous system begins to settle. This is not a soft, feel-good concept — it is grounded in neuroscience. A child in emotional overwhelm cannot access rational thinking. Attunement helps them return to a regulated state where learning and problem-solving become possible.

In practice, this might sound like: "You're really angry that we had to leave the park. That makes sense — you were having such a good time." No fixing. No lecturing. Just being present with the feeling.

Scaffolding: Building Emotional Vocabulary and Skills

Scaffolding is the second phase — helping your child develop the tools to understand and navigate emotions over time. This includes building a feelings vocabulary, modelling calm emotional expression, and working through problems together once the emotional storm has passed.

Children are not born knowing the difference between feeling frustrated and feeling embarrassed. Emotion coaching builds this literacy brick by brick, over hundreds of small interactions. The more emotionally literate a child becomes, the better they can self-regulate — and the less explosive or withdrawn their reactions will be.

According to CASEL (Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning), social-emotional learning programmes that include emotional literacy components show an 11-percentile-point improvement in academic achievement, as well as significant reductions in behavioral problems.

Ready to take the next step?

Book an emotion coaching session with Sonia

Listen to Sonia's podcast for parents

Signs Your Child Needs Emotion Coaching — and How to Respond

If you've noticed your child struggling emotionally, this section is your practical roadmap. Below are the most common signs, paired with what you can actually do about each one.

What It Means & How to Respond

Frequent or intense meltdowns

Explosive reactions to small frustrations signal that a child's emotional toolkit is overwhelmed. Respond by staying calm yourself, naming the emotion, and resisting the urge to punish the feeling. "You're so frustrated right now. Let's figure this out together."

Difficulty naming feelings

If your child says "I don't know" when asked how they feel, they may lack emotional vocabulary. Build a feelings chart at home, read books with emotionally complex characters, and model labelling your own feelings aloud throughout the day.

Shutting down or withdrawing

Some children internalise their emotions rather than exploding. Watch for sulking, refusing to talk, or unexplained stomach aches. These children need a low-pressure invitation to share — try connection before conversation.

Social struggles with peers

Difficulty managing frustration in group settings, frequent conflict, or trouble sharing often signals a need for emotion coaching. Help your child practise perspective-taking through role play and debrief conflicts calmly after they happen.

Telling you feelings are stupid

Children who dismiss their own emotions have often been inadvertently taught that feelings are embarrassing or inconvenient. Normalise all emotions — including difficult ones like jealousy or fear — as part of being human.

Extreme sensitivity to criticism

Falling apart when corrected, or refusing to try things for fear of failure, often reflects poor emotional resilience. Use the language of "not yet" and separate a child's worth from their performance.

Difficulty transitioning between activities

Transitions require self-regulation. Children who struggle with them often need more advance warning, acknowledgement of their feelings about the change, and a predictable routine that creates emotional safety.

What unites all of these signs is that the child is struggling to process, express, or regulate their inner emotional world. They're not doing it to be difficult, they genuinely lack the tools.

The good news: emotion coaching builds those tools. And you don't need to be a perfect parent to do it, you just need to be a present one. For deeper guidance, explore Sonia's work on what emotion coaching is and how it translates into everyday moments. 

Common Mistakes: What to Avoid When Your Child is Struggling

Even well-meaning parents can unknowingly make emotional regulation harder for their children. Here are the most common pitfalls and why they backfire:

Dismissing the emotion

Telling a child "You're fine" or "There's nothing to cry about" teaches them that their inner world doesn't matter. This drives feelings underground rather than resolving them, which increases anxiety and emotional outbursts over time.

Jumping straight to problem-solving

Children who feel unheard can't engage with solutions. Rushing to fix the situation before acknowledging the feeling leaves them feeling alone — even when your intentions are good.

Punishing the emotion

Sending a child to their room for crying or getting angry at them for being afraid creates shame around normal emotional experiences. Children learn to hide feelings rather than process them healthily.

Matching their intensity

When a parent escalates alongside an upset child, it pours petrol on the fire. Children co-regulate with adults — they need you to be calm in their storm, not another storm.

Over-reassuring without validating

Saying "Everything is fine, don't worry" bypasses the child's experience. Validation first: "I can see you're really worried." Then gentle reassurance, once they feel heard.

Emotion coaching only during crises

Emotion coaching is most effective when it's woven into everyday life — reading books together, debriefing small conflicts, noticing and naming feelings in calm moments. Crisis-only coaching doesn't build lasting skill.

Why Recognising the Signs of Emotion Coaching Need Matters

The stakes of unaddressed emotional struggles are high — but so is the potential when parents intervene early. Here's why identifying the signs your child needs emotion coaching is one of the most important things you can do as a parent.

 Short-term vs Long-term outcomes of emotion coaching vs dismissing emotions

• Emotional regulation is a foundational life skill

Just as children need to learn to read, they need to learn to manage their emotions. Research from Harvard's Centre on the Developing Child shows that the executive functioning skills tied to emotional regulation are predictive of success in school, relationships, and adult mental health. These skills don't develop automatically — they're built through interaction.

• Early intervention prevents escalation

Emotional struggles that go unaddressed in early childhood tend to intensify. A child who can't name their feelings at age five becomes an adolescent who acts out without knowing why. Identifying the signs early and responding with emotion coaching breaks this cycle before it takes hold.

• It strengthens your parent-child relationship

Emotion coaching is fundamentally about connection. When children feel safe to bring their messy, difficult feelings to you and know you won't dismiss or punish them for it — trust deepens. That trust becomes the foundation everything else is built on.

• It protects mental health long-term

Children who are emotion-coached show lower rates of anxiety, depression, and behavioural disorders. The ability to identify, express, and regulate emotions is one of the most protective factors in mental health. You are literally building resilience with every coaching conversation.

• It improves social outcomes

Emotionally literate children are better friends, more cooperative classmates, and more empathetic human beings. They can read social cues, manage conflict, and recover from setbacks — all of which are rooted in the emotional skills that emotion coaching develops.

• It gives you tools, not just awareness

Many parents sense that something isn't right but don't know what to do. Emotion coaching gives you a framework — not a perfect script, but a way of responding that is grounded in your child's developmental needs. That shift from helplessness to action is itself transformative.

The four steps of emotion coaching (Notice → Empathise → Label → Problem-solve)

Think of emotion coaching the way you'd think of any other form of training. Athletes don't become resilient through talent alone — they're coached through difficulty, failure, and recovery. Your child's emotional life is no different. The moments of frustration, fear, and sadness are the training ground, and you are the coach.

 The Growing Importance of Emotion Coaching — Trends and Future Outlook

As emotion coaching continues to evolve from a niche parenting concept into mainstream child development practice, the evidence base is growing rapidly. Schools, healthcare providers, and family therapists are increasingly incorporating emotion coaching principles into their work — a recognition that emotional literacy is as foundational as any academic skill.

The mental health landscape for children has shifted dramatically in recent years. Post-pandemic data from the World Health Organization indicates that anxiety and depression among children and adolescents have risen significantly, with emotional dysregulation identified as a key contributing factor. Parents who invest in emotion coaching now are not just responding to a trend — they're equipping their children for a world that increasingly demands emotional intelligence.

Practitioners who invest in this approach now — whether as parents, educators, or coaches — will be ahead of a curve that is rapidly becoming the new baseline expectation for child development support. The tools, research, and professional infrastructure around emotion coaching are maturing, making it more accessible than ever.

We also see growing integration of emotion coaching principles into school curricula through social-emotional learning frameworks, which further reinforces the skills that parents build at home. When home and school align on emotional literacy, children benefit exponentially. If you'd like to learn more about the foundational concepts underpinning this work, our guide on what emotion coaching is is the ideal starting point. 

Frequently Asked Questions

1. What are the most obvious signs a child needs emotion coaching?

The most visible signs include frequent emotional meltdowns that seem disproportionate to the trigger, difficulty naming or describing how they feel, persistent social struggles with peers, emotional withdrawal or shutting down, and extreme sensitivity to correction or perceived failure. If your child regularly seems overwhelmed by their emotions or struggles to recover after an upset, emotion coaching is likely to help. These signs can appear as early as age three and become more complex as children grow.

2. At what age should emotion coaching start?

Emotion coaching can begin as soon as a child is forming emotional responses — which means from toddlerhood, around age 2–3. The language and approach will adapt to the child's developmental stage, but the core principle of acknowledging and naming feelings is appropriate from very early on. It's never too late to start either. Many parents begin emotion coaching with school-age children or even adolescents and see significant positive change.

3. What is the difference between emotion coaching and just being permissive?

Emotion coaching is not permissive parenting. It validates feelings while still holding firm on behaviour. You might say: "I can see you're furious that it's bedtime. That makes sense — you were in the middle of your game. AND bedtime is still at 7:30." The child's emotion is acknowledged; the limit is maintained. This is what makes emotion coaching effective — it's both empathetic and boundaried.

4. How long does it take to see results from emotion coaching?

Many parents notice a shift within a few weeks of consistent practice — particularly around the frequency and intensity of emotional outbursts. Deeper changes in emotional vocabulary, self-regulation, and social skills typically develop over several months. The key is consistency: emotion coaching works cumulatively, through many small interactions over time, not through a single breakthrough conversation.

5. Can I do emotion coaching without professional help?

Yes — and many parents do. Books, podcasts, and self-guided resources can give you a strong foundation. However, working with a specialist like Sonia Rossington offers personalised support that addresses your specific child's patterns and your specific parenting challenges. Many parents find that a few coaching sessions dramatically accelerate their progress compared to going it alone, particularly if their child's emotional struggles are intense or long-standing.

6. How is emotion coaching different from therapy?

Emotion coaching, as practiced by parents, is a preventive and developmental approach — it builds skills before or instead of clinical levels of struggle. Therapy, by contrast, addresses specific mental health concerns or trauma in a clinical context. They are complementary, not competing. If your child is experiencing significant anxiety, depression, or trauma symptoms, professional therapy is appropriate and important — and emotion coaching at home can support and reinforce that therapeutic work.

 Next Steps — Work With Sonia Chand

If this guide has helped you see your child's emotional struggles in a new light — and given you a clearer sense of what they need — the next step is to take action. Recognizing the signs is the beginning; emotion coaching is the practice that creates lasting change.

Book a 1:1 Emotion Coaching Session with Sonia

Listen to Sonia's podcast for practical parenting guidance →

How to Find the Right Autism Therapist: A Neurodivergent Professional's Checklist

If you've spent any time in autistic communities online, you've heard the same story repeated: someone finally works up the courage to see a therapist, only to leave sessions feeling more broken than before. Maybe the therapist kept pushing eye contact. Maybe they framed every autistic trait as a problem to solve. Maybe they had never worked with an autistic person and it showed.

That experience is not uncommon. And it is not your fault.

Autistic people are up to three times more likely to experience anxiety and depression than neurotypical peers, and approximately three times more likely to die by suicide than non-autistic individuals, with autistic women facing even higher relative risk. The mental health stakes are high, and the cost of ending up with the wrong therapist is higher than most people realise.

The stakes of finding the right therapist are not abstract. They are life-altering.

This checklist gives you a practical framework for evaluating therapists before you commit, and for knowing when a therapeutic relationship simply is not working.

Table of Contents

1. What "Autism-Affirming" Therapy Actually Means

2. Red Flags: What to Watch Out For

3. Green Flags and Must-Ask Interview Questions

4. Where to Actually Find These Therapists

5. How to Evaluate Fit After the First Session

6. The Bottom Line

Autism-Affirming

What "Autism-Affirming" Therapy Actually Means

The phrase "autism-affirming" gets used a lot. It has also been adopted by practitioners who use it as a marketing term without understanding what it requires in practice.

At its core, autism-affirming therapy starts from the position that autism is a neurological difference, not a disorder or a collection of symptoms to be eliminated. A genuinely affirming therapist is not trying to make you appear neurotypical. They are helping you navigate a world that was not designed for your brain, while honouring who you actually are.

This means they understand:

• Masking (the exhausting process of suppressing autistic traits to fit in) and the burnout it causes

• Sensory processing differences and why they matter to daily functioning

• Autistic burnout as distinct from (though often co-occurring with) depression

• The double empathy problem: communication breakdowns are mutual, not a failure of the autistic person

Affirming therapy also means that your goals drive the work, not a standardised programme designed to make you more palatable to neurotypical environments.

The Autistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN) has published clear guidance on what constitutes respectful, affirming support. It is worth reading before you start your search, so you can recognise the real thing when you encounter it.

If this topic resonates with you, the themes around navigating systems designed for neurotypical people are explored in depth inDropped in a Maze. Get your copy here.

Dropped in a Maze: My Life on The Spectrum

Red Flags: What to Watch Out For

Many autistic people have finely tuned instincts. If something feels wrong in a therapy session, it probably is. Here are specific warning signs worth naming clearly.

Related reading: 7 Red Flags of Unethical Mental Health Practice

Compliance-Based Approaches

Therapists who rely heavily on ABA or ABA-adjacent methods, particularly those focused on eliminating behaviours rather than understanding their function, are a significant red flag. ABA's core mechanics involve reinforcing neurotypical-appearing behaviour and discouraging autistic behaviour. That is not the same as supporting someone's mental health.

TheAutistic Self Advocacy Network's position on ABA makes this case clearly and is worth sharing with anyone who pushes back on your concern about it.

Framing Autism as the Problem

If a therapist consistently frames your autism as the source of your difficulties rather than examining environmental factors, systemic barriers, or the impact of years of masking, they are working from an outdated and harmful model. Watch for language like "your autism is causing you to" rather than "the demands placed on you are creating".

Pushing Eye Contact or Social Scripts

A therapist who encourages you to make more eye contact, practise small talk, or perform social norms that exhaust you is not helping you. They are helping you mask more effectively. This increases burnout risk, not wellbeing.

Dismissing Sensory Needs

If a therapist minimises sensory sensitivities, treats stimming as a habit to break, or creates an office environment that is overwhelming without offering alternatives, that is a sign they have not done the foundational work of understanding autism.

Ignoring Your Language Preferences

Many autistic people strongly prefer identity-first language ("autistic person" rather than "person with autism"). A therapist who ignores your stated preference, especially after being corrected, is signaling that they are not actually listening to you.

Must-Ask Interview Questions for your Therapist

Green Flags and Must-Ask Interview Questions

Most therapists offer a free initial consultation. Use it. This is your interview of them, not the other way around.

Green Flags to Look For

• They follow your lead on language (identity-first vs person-first)

• They ask what you want from therapy, not what they think you need

• They have experience with or lived proximity to neurodivergence

• They understand masking and autistic burnout as distinct concepts

• They can name specific frameworks they use, such as ACT or adapted CBT, rather than offering vague assurances

• They are comfortable with directness and do not penalise blunt communication

Questions to Ask

1. "What is your approach to working with autistic adults?" (Listen for whether they focus on changing you or supporting you.)

2. "How do you view masking and what is your approach to working with it?"

3. "Do you have experience with autistic burnout specifically, as distinct from depression?"

4. "How do you handle communication differences, for example if I am very direct or need more processing time?"

5. "What is your position on ABA?" (A therapist who defends it uncritically is not the right fit for most autistic adults.)

For more honest, unfiltered conversations about neurodivergent mental health, tune into the podcast.https://www.buzzsprout.com/2307116/episodes.

Related reading: 5 Signs You've Found the Right Therapist

Where to Actually Find These Therapists

Standard directories likePsychology Today are a starting point, but their autism filters will surface many practitioners who list autism as a specialty without meaningful affirming practice. Here are more targeted strategies.

Specialist Directories

• Inclusive Therapists: a directory specifically built around finding affirming, social-justice-informed therapists, with neurodivergent filters

• Neurodivergent Therapist: a directory and resource hub focused specifically on ND-affirming practitioners

• AANE (Autism Asperger Network): maintains a therapist referral list with detailed practitioner profiles

Community Recommendations

Ask in autistic community spaces such as Reddit'sr/AutisticAdults andr/autism, local Facebook groups, or Discord communities for late-diagnosed autistic adults. Personal recommendations from other autistic people carry more weight than any directory listing.

Telehealth Has Changed Access

If you are outside a major urban area or find in-person sessions difficult, telehealth dramatically widens your options. Many of the best affirming therapists work entirely online. Do not limit your search geographically if you can avoid it.

Ask Directly Before Booking

When you find a therapist who looks promising, email them first. A brief message asking about their approach to autistic adults will tell you a great deal from the response alone, both in content and in how they receive the question.

How to Evaluate Fit After the First Session

Finding a therapist who looks right on paper is step one. Knowing whether the relationship is actually working is harder, particularly for autistic people who may mask even within therapy sessions.

Here is what to check for yourself after the first few sessions.

Notice Your Body, Not Just Your Mind

Many autistic people are skilled at intellectualising their experiences and less connected to somatic signals. After a session, notice: are you exhausted in the familiar way that follows masking? Are you relieved it is over? Or do you feel genuinely lighter, even if the session was difficult?

Are Your Goals Driving the Sessions?

After two or three sessions, you should be able to clearly articulate what you are working on and why. If sessions feel directionless, or if the therapist consistently redirects toward their own agenda, that is worth naming directly. Notice how they respond to that directness.

Do You Feel Safer Being Yourself?

This is the clearest measure. Over time, good therapy with a genuinely affirming practitioner should mean you mask less in sessions, not more. If you are performing wellness or performing neurotypicality in the therapy room, that is important information.

Trust Your Instincts, Even If You Have Been Told Not To

Many autistic people have been socialised to distrust their own perceptions, told that they are too sensitive, misreading situations, or overreacting. This history can make it hard to trust a gut sense that something is wrong in therapy.

Trust it anyway. You do not owe any therapist your continued attendance. Leaving a poor therapeutic fit is not failure. It is self-advocacy.

Related reading: Breaking the Stigma of ABA

The experience of having your instincts dismissed is one of the threads running throughDropped in a Maze. If that resonates, grab a copy here.

The Bottom Line

You deserve a therapist who understands that autism is not a problem to be fixed, and who has the knowledge and humility to back that up in practice. The process of finding that person can be slow and frustrating, but it is worth the investment.

Use this checklist. Ask the hard questions in the consultation call. And when something feels wrong, believe yourself.

The right support exists. You are allowed to hold out for it.

Get your copy of Dropped in a Maze and Listen to the podcast for honest conversations about neurodivergence, mental health, and finding support that actually works

6 Ways to Support Your Autistic Friend

You care about your autistic friend. You want to be supportive. But you're not quite sure how to help without overstepping or coming across as condescending.

Maybe you've noticed they struggle in certain situations. Maybe they've opened up to you about their challenges. Or maybe you just want to be a better friend and create a more inclusive friendship.

The good news? Supporting an autistic friend doesn't require grand gestures or complicated strategies. It requires understanding, patience, and a willingness to see the world from their perspective.

April is Autism Acceptance Month, and there's no better time to learn how to show up for your autistic friends in meaningful ways. Here are six practical strategies that actually make a difference.

Table of Contents

• Learn What Autism Actually Is (Beyond Stereotypes)

• Respect Their Communication Style

• Understand Sensory Sensitivities Are Real

• Support Their Need for Routine and Predictability

• Advocate Alongside Them, Not For Them

• Educate Yourself Continuously

Acceptance is the first stage of support

1. Learn What Autism Actually Is (Beyond Stereotypes)

Move Beyond What You've Seen on TV

Most people's understanding of autism comes from movies like Rain Man or TV shows that portray autistic characters as either savants or completely non-verbal. The reality is much more nuanced.

Autism is a neurological difference that affects how people process information, communicate, and experience the world. It's a spectrum, which means it looks different for everyone.

Your autistic friend might:

• Make excellent eye contact or avoid it entirely

• Be highly verbal or prefer written communication

• Excel in certain areas while struggling in others

• Need accommodations that seem unusual to you but are essential for them

Start With Reliable Resources

Instead of relying on outdated stereotypes or random internet articles, educate yourself through credible sources.

TheAutism Self Advocacy Network (ASAN) is an excellent starting point. Run by autistic people themselves, ASAN provides accurate information about autism from those who actually live with it.

Another great resource is theAutistic Women & Nonbinary Network (AWN), which addresses the unique experiences of autistic women and nonbinary individuals who are often underdiagnosed and misunderstood.

Ask Your Friend About Their Experience

Every autistic person is different. What's true for one person might not be true for another.

The best way to understand your friend's specific experience? Ask them.

Questions you might consider:

• "What does autism mean to you?"

• "Are there things I do that make social situations harder for you?"

• "How can I be a better friend to you?"

• "What do you wish people understood about autism?"

Just make sure you're asking because you genuinely want to understand, not because you're treating them like a teaching opportunity. There's a difference between curiosity and interrogation.

2. Respect Their Communication Style

Not Everyone Communicates the Same Way

Your autistic friend might communicate differently than you're used to. They might:

• Take longer to process what you've said before responding

• Prefer texting over phone calls

• Be very direct without social "softening" phrases

• Struggle with open-ended questions

• Need things explained explicitly rather than implied

None of these differences make their communication "wrong." It's just different from neurotypical communication patterns.

Direct Doesn't Mean Rude

One of the biggest misunderstandings about autistic communication is interpreting directness as rudeness.

If your autistic friend says "I don't want to go to that restaurant," they're not being difficult. They're being honest. Neurotypical people might say "Oh, I'm not sure, maybe we could go somewhere else?" to soften the message.

Autistic communication tends to be more straightforward. What you hear is what they mean. No hidden messages, no passive aggression, no reading between the lines.

This is actually refreshing once you get used to it. You always know where you stand.

Give Them Processing Time

If you ask your autistic friend a question and they don't respond immediately, don't assume they're ignoring you or didn't hear you.

They might be:

• Processing what you said

• Formulating their response

• Dealing with sensory input that's distracting them

• Managing internal thoughts before they can respond

Give them time. Don't fill the silence with more questions or rephrase what you just said. Just wait.

Accommodate Their Preferred Communication Method

Some autistic people find phone calls overwhelming but are great at texting. Others prefer in-person conversations where they can read body language.

Ask your friend how they prefer to communicate and respect that preference. If they say "Can we text about this instead of calling?" that's not rejection—it's them telling you how they communicate best.

To understand how autism affects communication and daily interactions, read How Autism Affects Daily Life. 

Understand Sensory Sensitivitie

3. Understand Sensory Sensitivities Are Real

The World Is Overwhelming

Imagine walking into a restaurant where the music is too loud, the lights are too bright, people are talking over each other, there are competing smells from the kitchen, and your clothes tag is scratching your neck.

For many autistic people, this isn't an occasional annoyance. This is daily life.

Sensory sensitivities mean that sounds, lights, textures, smells, and other stimuli that neurotypical people can filter out become overwhelming and sometimes painful.

Common Sensory Triggers

Your autistic friend might be sensitive to:

Sound: Background noise, multiple conversations at once, sudden loud noises, certain frequencies, humming lights or appliances

Light: Fluorescent lighting, bright sunlight, flashing lights, LED screens

Touch: Certain fabrics, tags in clothing, tight or loose clothing, unexpected physical contact, specific textures

Smell: Strong perfumes, cleaning products, food smells, air fresheners

Taste/Texture: Specific food textures, mixed textures, strong flavors

How to Be Supportive

Ask before making plans. Instead of picking a loud, crowded restaurant, ask "Is there a place you're comfortable with?" or suggest a quieter alternative.

Be understanding if they need to leave. If your friend says they need to go because they're getting overwhelmed, don't take it personally. Sensory overload is real and can be debilitating.

Don't dismiss their experience. "It's not that loud" or "Just ignore it" aren't helpful. What's manageable for you might be excruciating for them.

Respect their coping mechanisms. If they wear sunglasses indoors, use noise-canceling headphones, or stim (repetitive movements like hand-flapping or rocking), that's how they regulate their nervous system. Don't ask them to stop.

Sensory Overload Isn't Dramatic

When autistic people talk about sensory overload, they're not exaggerating for effect. It's a physiological response that can lead to:

• Shutdowns (going non-verbal, unable to process information)

• Meltdowns (emotional overwhelm that looks like a breakdown)

• Physical pain

• Exhaustion that lasts for days

Being a supportive friend means recognizing these aren't choices or tantrums. They're neurological responses to overstimulation.

Support your autistic friends always

4. Support Their Need for Routine and Predictability

Why Routines Matter

Many autistic people rely heavily on routines and predictability. This isn't about being inflexible or controlling—it's about managing a world that often feels chaotic and overwhelming.

Routines provide:

• A sense of safety and control

• Reduced anxiety about what's coming next

• Mental energy conservation

• Structure in an unpredictable world

How Last-Minute Changes Affect Them

What seems like a small, spontaneous change to you might completely derail your autistic friend's day.

"Let's grab dinner tonight instead of tomorrow" might seem fun and casual to you. For your autistic friend, it might mean:

• Disrupting their planned routine for the evening

• Not having time to mentally prepare for social interaction

• Anxiety about the unexpected change

• Needing to reorganize other commitments

This doesn't mean you can never be spontaneous. It just means understanding that what's easy for you might be difficult for them.

How to Be Considerate

Give advance notice when possible: If you're planning to get together, give your friend as much heads-up as you can. A week's notice is better than a day's notice.

Provide details: Instead of "Want to hang out Saturday?" try "Want to get coffee at that café on Main Street Saturday at 2pm? We could stay for about an hour."

Specific details help autistic people prepare mentally and reduce anxiety about unknowns.

Understand if they decline last-minute invitations: It's not that they don't want to spend time with you. They might just not have the capacity to adjust their day on short notice.

Stick to plans when you make them: Constantly changing or canceling plans is exhausting for everyone, but especially for someone who has already mentally prepared for the original plan.

5. Advocate Alongside Them, Not For Them

The Difference Between Support and Speaking Over

There's a crucial difference between advocating alongside your autistic friend and speaking for them.

Advocating alongside means:

• Amplifying their voice, not replacing it

• Supporting their decisions, even if you'd choose differently

• Standing up against ableism when you see it

• Creating space for them to self-advocate

Speaking for them means:

• Deciding what's best for them without asking

• Answering questions directed at them

• Making assumptions about what they need

• Treating them as incapable of speaking for themselves

How to Advocate Effectively

Listen to what they're telling you: If your autistic friend says something is a problem, believe them. Don't dismiss or minimize their experience.

Challenge ableist language and attitudes: When someone uses "autistic" as an insult or says something offensive about autism, speak up. You don't have to give a lecture—sometimes a simple "That's not cool" is enough.

Support their self-advocacy: If your friend is trying to explain their needs to someone (a boss, teacher, service provider), be their backup. Your presence alone can make them feel more confident.

Educate others, but don't burden your friend: If someone has questions about autism, you can direct them to resources rather than expecting your autistic friend to constantly explain themselves.

Understand the importance of advocacy. The autistic community has long fought for acceptance, accommodations, and basic respect. The Importance of Advocacy in Autism explores why this work matters and how you can contribute to creating a more inclusive world.

Respect Their Autonomy

Your autistic friend is the expert on their own experience. Even if you think you know what's best for them, check yourself.

They have the right to:

• Make their own decisions

• Decline help they don't want

• Choose how they navigate the world

• Define what support looks like for them

Good intentions don't override autonomy. Always ask before assuming what kind of support someone needs.

One powerful way to advocate is by sharing resources that increase understanding. The On the Spectrum Empowerment Stories podcast features real conversations with autistic individuals and experts, providing authentic perspectives that challenge stereotypes. Listening to episodes together or recommending specific episodes to your friend shows you're committed to understanding their experience.

6. Educate Yourself Continuously

Your Friend Isn't Your Teacher

Yes, asking your autistic friend questions can be part of building understanding. But it's not their job to educate you about everything autism-related.

Constantly asking them to explain autism, justify their needs, or teach you about accommodations puts an unfair burden on them.

Instead, take initiative to educate yourself through books, articles, podcasts, and resources created by autistic people.

Seek Out Autistic Voices

The best autism education comes from autistic people themselves—not from parents of autistic children, not from therapists, not from organizations that don't include autistic leadership.

Look for content created by actually autistic individuals. Their lived experience provides insight that no amount of clinical training can match.

Sonia Chand's book offers exactly this kind of firsthand perspective. Get your copy here to understand the autistic experience from someone who's lived it. Reading books like this not only educates you but also shows your friend you're willing to put in the work to understand their world.

Stay Current on Autism Research and Advocacy

Our understanding of autism continues to evolve. What was considered "best practice" ten years ago might be considered harmful today.

Stay updated on:

• Current research about autism

• Advocacy movements led by autistic people

• Changes in terminology and language

• Critiques of harmful therapies or approaches

Follow autistic advocates on social media. Read blogs written by autistic adults. Listen to podcasts hosted by autistic individuals.

Recognize Your Own Biases

We all absorb ableist messages from society. Part of being a good friend is recognizing when those biases show up in your thinking.

Ask yourself:

• Am I treating my friend as less capable because they're autistic?

• Am I making assumptions about what they can or can't do?

• Am I viewing their differences as deficits rather than just differences?

• Am I trying to "fix" them instead of accepting them?

This isn't about beating yourself up for having biases. It's about recognizing them so you can actively work against them.

Keep Learning, Keep Growing

Supporting your autistic friend isn't a one-time thing. It's an ongoing commitment to understanding, respecting, and valuing who they are.

Another way to deepen your understanding is by gifting your autistic friend resources that validate their experience. Purchase Sonia's book as a thoughtful gesture that says "I see you, I value your perspective, and I want to understand your world better." Many autistic individuals find comfort in reading about others' experiences—it reminds them they're not alone.

Dropped in a Maze

Being a True Friend

At the end of the day, supporting your autistic friend comes down to the same principles that define any good friendship: respect, communication, empathy, and genuine care.

The difference is being willing to expand your understanding of what those things look like. Respect might mean honoring their need to leave a loud environment. Communication might mean texting instead of calling. Empathy might mean recognizing that their brain processes the world differently than yours.

You don't have to be perfect. You'll make mistakes. What matters is that you're willing to learn, adjust, and show up consistently.

Small Actions Make a Big Difference

You don't need to become an autism expert overnight. Small, consistent actions matter more than grand gestures:

• Believe them when they tell you something is hard

• Don't force eye contact

• Accept their stims without comment

• Choose quieter venues when possible

• Give them advance notice about plans

• Don't take it personally when they need space

• Challenge ableism when you encounter it

• Keep educating yourself

These aren't difficult things. They just require awareness and intention.

This Autism Acceptance Month, Go Deeper

April is Autism Month—a time to move beyond simple "awareness" and into genuine understanding and inclusion.

Here are three concrete actions you can take this month:

1. Listen to autistic voices: Start with the On the Spectrum Empowerment Stories podcast, which features real conversations about the autistic experience. Share episodes that resonate with your autistic friend—it might spark meaningful conversations between you.

2. Educate yourself: Read books written by autistic authors. Sonia's book provides invaluable firsthand perspective on navigating the world as an autistic person. Understanding her journey will help you understand your friend's.

3. Have a conversation: Use what you've learned as a starting point to ask your friend how you can be more supportive. Listen without defensiveness. Adjust your behavior based on what they tell you.

Autism Month isn't just about posting blue puzzle pieces (which many autistic people actually find offensive). It's about doing the real work of creating a world where your autistic friend feels safe, valued, and fully accepted for who they are.

That work starts with you. It starts with education, empathy, and a willingness to see the world through their eyes.

Be the friend who says "You don't have to mask with me. You don't have to pretend. You're perfect exactly as you are."

That's what real support looks like. And that's what every autistic person deserves.

NeuroWell: 7 Ways to Create Safer and Happier Classrooms

Classrooms are struggling. Teachers are exhausted. Students are disengaged. And despite countless new initiatives, programs, and technology, things seem to be getting worse, not better.

The problem isn't lack of effort. Teachers are working harder than ever. The problem is we're focused on the wrong things. What if instead of teaching content, we started teaching kids? What if we aligned our classrooms with actual brain science instead of outdated models that treat students like information receptacles?

Dr. Lisa Riegel's NeuroWell framework does exactly that. By combining neuroscience with practical classroom strategies, NeuroWell creates environments where students feel safe, engaged, and ready to learn—and where teachers don't burn out trying to make it happen.

Here are seven core principles from the NeuroWell approach that can transform any classroom into a space where both students and teachers actually want to be.

Table of Contents

• Build Belonging First, Everything Else Second

• Transform Your Classroom Into a True Learning Community

• Give Every Student a Role That Matters

• Use Learning Sprints to Match Actual Attention Spans

• Make Learning Relevant or Lose Your Students

• Understand Behavior Through Brain Science, Not Punishment

• Measure What Actually Matters for the Future

1. Build Belonging First, Everything Else Second

The Invisible Student Problem

There's a hidden crisis happening in schools right now. Students are physically present but emotionally absent. They come in, sit down, stay quiet, and leave—completely unseen by the adults around them.

These aren't just the "troubled" kids acting out. They're often the quiet ones who slip through the cracks because they don't cause disruptions.

When students don't feel like they belong, their bodies respond as if they're in danger. They shut down emotionally. They disengage mentally. And no amount of "rigorous instruction" will reach a brain that's in survival mode.

The Science of Collective Identity

Research on collective identity reveals something important: humans are wired for belonging. When we feel part of something bigger than ourselves, we're more engaged, more motivated, and more willing to contribute.

Think about sports teams, military units, or tight-knit companies. People wear the gear, adopt the language, and identify with the group—even if they've never officially been part of it.

Schools can create this same sense of belonging, but most don't. Instead, students feel isolated, alone in a sea of desks, competing rather than collaborating.

Creating Your Classroom's Collective Identity

Building belonging starts with intentional practices:

Create a class name, mascot, and mantra: Yes, even in high school. The NFL does it. Sororities do it. Ted Lasso's "Believe" sign works because it creates shared identity.

Develop rituals and traditions: Weekly celebrations, inside jokes, specific phrases that only your class uses—these build familiarity and connection.

Use nicknames appropriately: When a teacher uses a friendly nickname, it signals relationship and trust. It says "we know each other."

Make "we" language the default: "We're a learning community" beats "I'm the teacher and you're my students" every time.

2. Transform Your Classroom Into a True Learning Community

The Hierarchy Problem

Traditional classrooms operate on a power structure: teacher at the top, students as subordinates who follow orders.

This creates compliance at best, resistance at worst. It doesn't create engagement.

A learning community operates differently. Everyone has a role. Everyone contributes. The mission isn't "do what the teacher says"—it's "we're all here to learn together."

Defining Good Learning Together

Start by asking students to define what makes a good learner. Not what the textbook says, but what they think.

Then identify characteristics of good community members. What does it look like to support each other's learning? What behaviors help versus hurt the group?

Make these definitions concrete. "Be respectful" is too vague. "Let people finish talking before interrupting" is specific and observable.

Goal-Setting With Peer Support

Once you've defined what good learning looks like, have students set personal goals.

Maybe someone struggles with coming to class prepared. Maybe another person interrupts constantly. Maybe someone else has trouble getting started on assignments.

Group students so they can support each other's goals. This builds accountability without punishment. It creates a culture where we help each other improve rather than compete to be the best.

Want to hear Dr. Riegel explain exactly how she builds these learning communities from day one? Listen to her full interview on the On the Spectrum Empowerment Stories podcast where she walks through specific scripts and strategies.

3. Give Every Student a Role That Matters

Jobs Create Purpose

Right now, most students have one job: sit down, be quiet, absorb information, regurgitate it on tests.

That's not engaging. It's not purposeful. And for neurodivergent students or those who learn differently, it's often completely disconnected from how they actually function.

What if every student had a specific role in the classroom that contributed to the community?

Practical Classroom Jobs

Sound Manager: Turns lights off when the room gets too loud. Clicks a doorbell to signal volume control.

Tech Manager: Passes out and collects devices. Troubleshoots basic tech issues.

Previewer: Starts class by reviewing the day's learning targets.

Reviewer: Ends class by summarizing what was covered and what's coming next.

Supply Manager: Distributes and organizes materials.

Cleaner: Wipes tables before the end of class.

These aren't busywork. They're legitimate responsibilities that keep the classroom running smoothly.

Adapting Roles for Different Needs

Not every student is comfortable with every role. A neurodivergent student who struggles with public speaking might not want to be the previewer, but they might excel as the supply manager.

Some teachers have students apply for the jobs they want. Others rotate roles so everyone gets different experiences.

The key is making sure everyone has something—a reason to show up, a way to contribute, a sense of "this classroom needs me."

When students have purpose, engagement follows.

Want to hear Dr. Riegel explain Neurowell in detai? Listen to her full interview on the On the Spectrum Empowerment Stories podcast where she walks through specific scripts and strategies.

4. Use Learning Sprints to Match Actual Attention Spans

The 45-Minute Lecture Myth

Teachers still design lessons as if students can sit and absorb information for 45 straight minutes.

They can't. Adults can't either.

Our brains aren't built for sustained passive attention. We need movement, social interaction, and mental breaks.

The Learning Sprint Model

Instead of lecturing for extended periods, chunk instruction into sprints:

10 minutes of direct instruction: Then a 2-5 minute break for unstructured conversation or a positivity prompt.

Another 10 minutes of learning: Then another brief social break.

This pattern continues throughout the class period.

Positivity Prompts That Build Connection

During those short breaks, use prompts like:

• "Turn to your neighbor and tell them one thing you really like about them"

• "Share one good thing that happened today"

• "Tell someone next to you something people don't know about you that makes you special"

These aren't wasted time. They're teaching social skills, building relationships, and giving brains the break they need to consolidate learning.

Plus, they address the complaint that "kids today don't know how to socialize." They'll never learn if we don't give them safe opportunities to practice.

5. Make Learning Relevant or Lose Your Students

The Disengagement Crisis Isn't About Laziness

Absenteeism is skyrocketing. Students are checked out. And the usual response is to blame kids for not caring or being disrespectful.

But what if the problem isn't disengagement—it's irrelevance?

Students today have access to all information instantly through the internet. They can ask ChatGPT any factual question and get an answer in seconds.

So when we ask them to memorize dates, definitions, and formulas they could look up in five seconds, they rightfully ask: why?

Reframing Assignments for the AI Era

Instead of asking "Can ChatGPT do this assignment?" and then punishing students who use it, ask "How can I design this assignment so ChatGPT is a tool, not the answer?"

Focus on:

• Application of knowledge, not regurgitation

• Creative problem-solving with multiple possible solutions

• Collaboration that requires human interaction

• Reflection on the learning process itself

• Projects that connect to students' actual lives and interests

When learning has relevance, students engage. When it doesn't, they check out—and we can't blame them.

6. Understand Behavior Through Brain Science, Not Punishment

When a student "misbehaves," our instinct is often to punish, correct, or remove them from the situation.

But behavior isn't about defiance. It's the intersection of biology and context.

Every behavior a student exhibits is their brain's response to their entire life experience up to that moment—their home situation, past trauma, neurological wiring, current stress levels, and the environment you've created.

The Regulated Teacher Creates Regulated Students

If you're dysregulated—stressed, anxious, frustrated, exhausted—your students will mirror that energy.

If you're calm, centered, and emotionally safe, students can access that calm too.

This is especially critical for neurodivergent students who may already be managing sensory overload, executive function challenges, or social anxiety.

Creating Emotional and Intellectual Safety

Safety isn't just about locked doors and security protocols. It's about:

Emotional safety: Students can express feelings without judgment. They can make mistakes without shame. They can ask for help without being labeled "needy."

Intellectual safety: It's okay to not understand something. Questions are welcomed, not punished. Struggle is part of learning, not a sign of failure.

When you understand that the kid acting out is actually a kid in pain, you respond differently.

You don't take it personally. You don't escalate. You create a context so different from what they experience outside school that their brain makes new, positive associations.

You become the safe oasis in their otherwise chaotic world. And that changes everything.

Listen to Dr. Riegel explain Neurowell in detail on the On the Spectrum Empowerment Stories podcast where she walks through specific scripts and strategies.

7. Measure What Actually Matters for the Future

The Testing Trap

Right now, schools measure math scores and reading scores. Maybe some end-of-course exams on specific content.

That's it. That's what determines whether teachers are "effective" and schools are "successful."

The problem? Those metrics measure the things AI can do better than humans.

What we're not measuring:

• Can students think critically?

• Can they communicate effectively?

• Can they work collaboratively?

• Can they resolve conflicts?

• Can they self-regulate?

• Can they show empathy?

These are the skills that will matter in the future. But because we don't measure them, we don't prioritize them.

What You Measure Matters

If you want students to be happy, healthy, and successful, you can't only measure their ability to recall facts.

You need observable, measurable indicators of the skills that actually matter:

Critical thinking: What does it look like? What does it sound like? How do we assess it beyond just the final product?

Communication: Are students learning to express ideas clearly? To listen actively? To adapt their message for different audiences?

Community contribution: Are they supporting each other's learning? Taking responsibility for the group's success?

Self-awareness and regulation: Can they identify when they're dysregulated? Do they have strategies to calm themselves?

The Equity Gap in "Teaching"

Teachers often say "I teach collaboration by putting students in groups."

But the students who already know how to collaborate do great. The ones who don't? They're never actually taught.

That's an equity issue. We assume skills rather than explicitly teaching them.

The same goes for critical thinking, communication, and all the "soft skills" that are actually the hardest to develop.

To hear Dr. Riegel's complete framework for measuring what matters and creating systems-level change, check out the full podcast episode. She breaks down exactly how leaders can shift from aspirational goals to operational reality.

Why NeuroWell Matters Right Now

Education is at a crossroads. With potential cuts to the Department of Education, increased scrutiny on teachers, and rapid changes from AI, schools need a framework that actually works.

NeuroWell isn't about adding more to teachers' plates. It's about reframing what's already happening through a brain-science lens.

It's about recognizing that:

• Belonging comes before learning

• Community beats hierarchy

• Purpose drives engagement

• Relevance matters more than rigor

• Behavior is communication, not defiance

• What we measure determines what we value

For Teachers

You don't have to become Hollywood's version of the heroic teacher who sacrifices everything. You can make a massive difference in 45 minutes a day by creating a space where students feel safe, seen, and valued.

For Parents

If your child is struggling in school, it might not be about their ability or effort. It might be about a system that isn't designed for how their brain actually works.

Advocate for environments that prioritize belonging, safety, and relevance over compliance and test scores.

For Leaders

Culture eats strategy for breakfast. You can implement all the programs you want, but if teachers don't feel supported and students don't feel safe, nothing will stick.

Start with the conditions that allow brains to learn, then build from there.

Taking the First Step

You don't have to overhaul your entire classroom or school overnight. Small shifts create big changes when they're aligned with how brains actually work.

The NeuroWell framework isn't about perfection. It's about progress. It's about creating classrooms where both teachers and students can thrive—not just survive.

Ready to transform your classroom or school? Check out the full podcast episode here

15 Reasons Why Being on the Autism Spectrum Is Awesome

For most of my life, the world told me that my autism was a problem to be solved. I was made to feel like I was too much, not enough, and everything in between. But somewhere along the way, I stopped believing that story.

I am an autistic psychotherapist, advocate, author, and ultra-marathoner. I wrote Dropped in a Maze: My Life On The Spectrum because I needed the world to hear a different kind of story about autism. Not the clinical one. Not the one written by people who have never lived it. The real one.

In the book, I share 26 reasons why being on the spectrum is something to be celebrated. Today I am sharing 15 of them with you. Because if nobody has told you lately, being autistic is not your weakness. It is one of your greatest strengths.

Table of Contents

• Intro

• 15 Reasons Why Being on the Autism Spectrum Is Awesome

• Conclusion

• There Is So Much More in the Book

Dropped in a Maze: My Life On The Spectrum

1. You Think of Things in Different Ways

You can put a unique perspective on ideas because Autism taught you to think differently. That perspective is not a flaw. It is something most people will never have access to, and it belongs entirely to you.

2. You Are Intelligent in the Things You Are Passionate About

Autism allows you to absorb information about the things you hyper-focus on at a depth that is extraordinary. That kind of knowledge is rare. Own it.

3. You Take Your Passions Seriously

You geek out on the things you love with immense pride, and you should. Not everyone has the ability to go that deep into something they care about. You do.

4. You Have a Unique Sense of Humor

You like to laugh at random things, and that humor is entirely your own. After all, laughter makes life fun, right?

5. You Are a Late Bloomer and That Is a Gift

You get excited by milestones in ways that other people may take for granted because they may have already surpassed them long ago. That excitement keeps a positive outlook on life alive in you. Do not underestimate how powerful that is.

6. You Are Capable and Equipped to Take On Life's Challenges

Autism taught you to be resilient and strong. That resilience was not handed to you. It was built through real experience, and it makes you genuinely capable of handling whatever life puts in front of you.

7. You Are Strong Mentally and Physically

Autism taught you to be both in order to keep affecting change and thrive in a world that is not always welcoming of neurodivergence. That strength is yours, and it shows.

8. You Are a Warrior

Autism taught you to fight for the life you deserve. Not once, not occasionally, but consistently, even when the world was not on your side. That warrior spirit is something to be proud of.

9. You Are Ambitious

Autism taught you that you can use your strengths and desires to attain the life you want. That ambition, grounded in self-knowledge, is more powerful than most people realize.

10. You Are Good at Helping People

Autism showed you the ugly side of humanity, and instead of hardening you, it taught you to rise above it and show people more love and kindness. That choice is what makes you exceptional at helping others.

11. You Have a Strong Ability to Empathize

Even when you may not always completely understand, Autism taught you that you needed to set an example so that people could learn to one day understand you. That effort is its own form of emotional leadership.

12. You Learned to Become Your Own Best Friend

Autism taught you that the most important person in your corner was yourself. That relationship is one of the most valuable ones you will ever have.

13. You Are Fiercely Loyal and Compassionate

Autism taught you well enough how it feels when people are not. That knowledge shaped who you chose to become, and the people you love feel the difference every single day.

14. You Learned to Embrace the Word Weird

Autism taught you that it is okay to be your unique self. Anything otherwise would be a disservice to yourself and to everything you offer the world.

15. You Learned to Use Your Challenges as Your Strengths

Autism showed you that turning challenges into strengths was a way to go forth and prosper. What the world called a limitation, you turned into your foundation.

If you found yourself nodding along to these 15 reasons, this is worth reading next: How to Stand Up for Yourself as an Autistic Person

Conclusion

Being on the spectrum is a layered experience. It is not just the challenges people read about in articles or hear about in passing conversations. It is also the resilience, the depth, the loyalty, the humor, and the fierce love you carry with you every single day.

The 15 reasons above are just a starting point. They are reminders that your brain is not broken. It is wired differently, and that difference has given you a set of qualities that the world genuinely needs. Your ability to think in ways others cannot, to feel things deeply, to persevere when most people would have stopped, and to turn pain into purpose are not small things. They are remarkable.

If you have ever been made to feel like autism was the reason you could not have the life you wanted, I want you to sit with these 15 reasons and read them again. Because autism is also the reason you are as strong as you are. It is the reason you do not give up. It is the reason you know the value of kindness in a way that people who have never struggled do not.

You are not behind. You are not broken. You are building something, and it is worth celebrating.

There Is So Much More in the Book

These 15 reasons are just a glimpse of what is inside Dropped in a Maze: My Life On The Spectrum. In the book, I share all 26, alongside the raw and honest story of what it has really meant to live on the spectrum, fight for a place in the world, and come out the other side knowing your worth.

If you are autistic, this book was written for you. If you love or support someone who is, this book will help you understand them in a way that nothing else can.

Purchase your copy of Dropped in a Maze here

If this post resonated with you, come and hear more. I talk about neurodivergence, mental health, self-advocacy, and life on the spectrum with the kind of honesty and depth you will not find everywhere.

🎙️ Listen to my podcast on Buzzsprout

Sonia Chand is an autistic psychotherapist, advocate, author, and ultra-marathoner. Her work is dedicated to changing the narrative around autism one story at a time. Visit her at soniakrishnachand.net.

6 Steps to Rebuild Your Life After Hitting Rock Bottom

Rock bottom looks different for everyone. For some, it's a public breakdown at a birthday party. For others, it's finding yourself crying to strangers at 4:45 AM because you have nobody else. Sometimes it's the moment a so-called friend tells you "it's uncomfortable being around you" and calls your struggles a burden.

Do you know mental health crises often precede major life transformations but only when the crisis becomes a catalyst for genuine change rather than a cycle of shame and self-destruction?

When I hit rock bottom in New York City in 2011, I was drinking to excess, acting out at social events, and alienating the few friends I had. The breakdown felt devastating. But it became the foundation for rebuilding my entire life—changing careers, developing genuine self-worth, and finally living authentically instead of performing for others' approval.

This is about the specific steps that actually work when you're starting over from nothing, based on what pulled me out of the darkest period of my life.

Table of Contents

• Step #1: Acknowledge What Actually Happened (Without Minimizing)

• Step #2: Find Specialized Support That Understands Your Specific Challenges

• Step #3: Stop Performing and Start Being Authentic

• Step #4: Invest in Your Physical Presentation (It Matters More Than You Think)

• Step #5: Open Up to People Who've Earned Your Trust

• Step #6: Face Your Fears Instead of Numbing Them

• Step #7: Listen to What Your Life Is Telling You

• Step #8: Make the Change Everyone Says You Shouldn't

• Key Takeaways for Rebuilding After Crisis

Step #1: Acknowledge What Actually Happened (Without Minimizing)

The Breakdown I Couldn't Ignore

After a disastrous birthday celebration where I became a "sloppy drunk," I ended up crying to doormen outside a building at 4:45 AM, telling complete strangers my life story—the rejection, emptiness, loneliness, and loss.

When my friend Susan called the next day, her message was clear: "It's uncomfortable being around you. You were sloppy. I can't be friends with you if you are going to be this way. It's not fair to have this kind of burden on others."

Why Minimizing Keeps You Stuck

My initial response was defensive: "I was just having a good time and encouraging others to have a good time."

But this minimization prevented me from seeing the truth: I was using alcohol to numb pain I hadn't processed, performing comedy for others' approval, and making people genuinely uncomfortable with my behavior.

The Harsh Truth That Starts Healing

Another person at a speed dating event told me bluntly: "The way you read people is wrong. You are a lost puppy."

My mother's words rang true: "Truth is bitter." These harsh assessments hurt, but they contained information I needed to hear.

What Acknowledgment Actually Looks Like

Real acknowledgment means:

• Admitting your coping mechanisms aren't working

• Recognizing when you've made others uncomfortable

• Accepting that being "lost" is temporary, not permanent

• Understanding that rock bottom is information, not identity

Step #2: Find Specialized Support That Understands Your Specific Challenges

Why Generic Therapy Wasn't Enough

Previous therapists had given me surface-level advice or harmful criticism focused on weight and appearance. What I needed was someone who understood:

• Autism spectrum challenges in social situations

• How autistic people process social feedback differently

• The intersection of autism, mental health, and life transitions

Finding Dr. Forrester

I found a therapist in Midtown Manhattan who specialized in autism spectrum disorder and mainly worked with autistic people. Dr. Forrester was inquisitive from the start and immediately identified patterns I hadn't recognized.

What She Identified That Others Missed

The performance problem: I was treating social situations like a stage performance after taking improv classes, missing the social cue that acting on stage is different from behaving naturally with people.

The discomfort signals: When couples showed public displays of affection, I might make painful faces or show discomfort that made others uncomfortable around me.

The comedian defense: Using jokes and performance as a shield prevented genuine connection and made me exhausting to be around.

The Internal Rap Battle Tool

Dr. Forrester created a practical tool: an internal rap battle to use when feeling othered or reminded of rejections.

"Hey, enemy, you say nobody likes me, and I was a loser. Yo, let me tell you I got my mom, I got my dad, I got my relatives, I got my friends."

This gave me language to counter negative thoughts in the moment rather than spiraling.

Why Specialization Matters

Generic therapists treat autism as one factor among many. Autism-specialized therapists understand it's the lens through which everything else is experienced.

For more on finding the right therapeutic support, read our article on 5 Signs You've Found the Right Therapist.

Step #3: Stop Performing and Start Being Authentic

The Comedian Mask

After improv classes in Chicago, I thought I'd found my calling—making people laugh, being the entertainer, using comedy as my social currency.

But Dr. Forrester identified the problem: I was confusing performance with connection. Being "on" all the time, especially when drinking, wasn't building relationships—it was creating exhausting spectacles.

What Authentic Connection Actually Requires

Stopping the performance meant:

• Having real conversations instead of delivering jokes

• Being vulnerable instead of deflecting with humor

• Showing actual emotions instead of manufactured entertainment

• Letting others see me, not just my act

The Fear Behind the Performance

Performance protected me from rejection. If people laughed at my jokes, I couldn't be rejected for who I actually was. But this created a catch-22: nobody could accept the real me because they only met the performer.

Practicing Authenticity

Dr. Forrester taught me to:

• Recognize when I was slipping into performance mode

• Pause and ask "am I being genuine right now?"

• Practice having conversations without trying to be funny

• Allow natural silences instead of filling them with jokes

This felt terrifying at first. Without the performance, what did I have to offer? But genuine connection requires genuine presence.

If you want to hear more stories of following your authentic path despite others' expectations? Purchase my book today.

Dropped in a Maze: My Life On The Spectrum

Step #4: Invest in Your Physical Presentation (It Matters More Than You Think)

The Image Consultation That Changed Everything

My friend Roseanne, a fashion consultant and CEO, offered to help fix my wardrobe and teach me how to dress. Unlike my previous experience with Dr. Grey's wife (where my mother restricted what I could buy), this time I had freedom to explore.

What Made This Different

Roseanne took me shopping near my apartment for:

• Blazers, dresses, skirts, pants, cardigans, and scarves

• Mix-and-match outfits I could combine multiple ways

• Boots that completed the looks

The key difference: she helped me find my own style rather than imposing someone else's vision.

The First Impressions Lesson

Roseanne reminded me of something from high school speech class: "People know if they are going to like you within two seconds."

First impressions aren't superficial—they're neurological. How you present yourself signals to others before you speak.

The Confidence Transformation

For the first time in a long time, I felt beautiful. I glowed walking to school. People nodded in approval as I passed. The external transformation reinforced internal confidence I was building.

The Professional Photo Shoot

Connected through Roseanne, I hired a photographer for professional photos with hair, makeup, and multiple outfit changes:

• Rooftop with chess pieces in a dress and boots

• Outdoor professional shot in blazer and pencil skirt

• Indoor law office aesthetic near bookshelves

• Brooklyn Bridge walk in red sweater dress and brown boots

Seeing the photos, I felt beautiful for the first time in years. The shoot revealed what had been there all along—beauty that could shine through when I took care of myself inside and out.

Why This Isn't Superficial

Physical presentation isn't about conforming to beauty standards. It's about:

• Showing yourself you're worth the investment

• Building confidence through taking care of yourself

• Signaling to others that you value yourself

• Creating external alignment with internal growth

Step #5: Open Up to People Who've Earned Your Trust

The Isolation That Kept Me Stuck

Before the breakdown, I tried to handle everything alone. I minimized struggles, performed happiness, and never let people see the real pain underneath.

This isolation made everything worse. When the breakdown came, I had nobody to turn to except random doormen at 4:45 AM.

Opening Up to Maya

After the breakdown, I started opening up to Maya, my friend who'd moved to NYC and encouraged me to follow. I told her everything—the mental health struggles, the drinking to escape, the desperate loneliness.

Her response: "If you are ever feeling that low again, please feel free to reach out to me. You don't have to go find random doormen to find support, especially in the wee hours of the morning!"

Why Her Response Mattered

Maya didn't:

• Judge me for struggling

• Tell me to "get over it"

• Make it about herself

• Use my vulnerability against me

Instead, she:

• Shared her own similar struggles

• Validated my feelings

• Offered concrete support

• Made me feel less alone

The Difference Between Dumping and Sharing

Opening up to Maya was different from emotionally dumping on acquaintances because:

• We had an established, reciprocal friendship

• She explicitly welcomed the sharing

• I wasn't using her as a therapist

• The vulnerability went both ways

What Authentic Sharing Looks Like

Maya shared: "I always craved companionship when I was living in Chicago. I wasn't happy with who I was. I felt like I didn't know how to enjoy my own company because I didn't really know who I was."

This reciprocal vulnerability deepened our connection and made me feel genuinely understood.

The Skydiving Moment

When I randomly ran into Maya on the sidewalk and she invited me skydiving, I impulsively said yes. Jumping out of a plane helped me appreciate life and recognize that choosing adventure over comfort creates the moments worth living for.

Listen to the On the Spectrum Empowerment Stories podcast for more conversations about the power of authentic connection and why vulnerability with the right people transforms everything.

Step #6: Face Your Fears Instead of Numbing Them

The Binge Eating Cycle

As I transitioned between leaving compliance work and trying to open my own law practice, binge eating crept in slowly. My usual order at the Indian restaurant: naan, rice, paneer tikka, yogurt, and four glasses of Pinot Noir—followed by frozen yogurt down the street.

What I Was Really Afraid Of

The food wasn't the problem—it was the fear I was trying to numb:

• Fear of disappointing my parents

• Fear of having to leave NYC

• Fear of admitting I'd chosen the wrong career

• Fear of starting over from nothing

Why Numbing Doesn't Work

Whether through alcohol or food, numbing doesn't address the underlying fear. It just:

• Delays the inevitable reckoning

• Creates additional problems (weight gain, health issues)

• Compounds shame and self-hatred

• Prevents you from taking action on what actually needs to change

The Wake-Up Call

Taking medication to help concentrate for the GRE while binge eating led to chest pains. This was a wake-up call about the importance of stopping the numbing and facing what needed to be faced.

How to Face Fear Instead of Numbing It

Name the specific fear: Not "I'm anxious," but "I'm afraid of disappointing my parents by leaving law."

Ask what the fear is protecting: Fear of disappointment = fear of losing love/approval.

Challenge the underlying assumption: "Will my parents actually stop loving me? Or am I catastrophizing?"

Take one small action toward the fear: Tour therapy schools. Talk to people in the field. Do something concrete.

Build support before big decisions: Talk to friends, therapist, trusted people who can help you process.

Ready to hear more stories of following your authentic path despite others' expectations? Purchase my book today.

Dropped in a Maze: My Life On The Spectrum

Key Takeaways for Rebuilding After Crisis

Rock Bottom Is Information, Not Identity

The breakdown wasn't who I was, it was information about what needed to change. The drinking, performing, and isolation all pointed to deeper issues requiring attention.

You Need Specialized Support

Generic therapy, well-meaning friends, or family advice often isn't enough. Find practitioners who specialize in your specific challenges and understand your neurological differences.

Physical Transformation Supports Internal Growth

Investing in appearance isn't superficial when it reinforces that you're worth caring for. External alignment with internal growth accelerates confidence.

Vulnerability Requires the Right People

Opening up to everyone is dumping. Opening up to people who've earned trust through reciprocal care is healing. Choose wisely who gets your vulnerability.

Numbing Delays Necessary Change

Whether through alcohol, food, or distraction, numbing prevents you from facing what needs facing. The only way through is through.

Someone Will Always Disapprove

Making authentic choices means disappointing people invested in you staying the same. Their resistance is information about them, not about your decision.

Moving Forward

Rebuilding after rock bottom isn't linear. There were setbacks, moments of doubt, and fears that kept me frozen for months. But each step forward—finding the right therapist, stopping the performance, investing in myself, opening up to trusted people, facing fears instead of numbing them—built momentum.

The breakdown in 2011 became the catalyst for the life I'm living now. Without hitting bottom, I might still be in law, miserable, performing, and numbing. Rock bottom forced me to rebuild from truth instead of from others' expectations.

If you're currently at rock bottom, know this: the only direction from here is up. But up requires specific, intentional steps—not just hoping things get better.

The steps that pulled me out can guide you too. But you have to take them, even when scared, even when others disapprove, even when you're not sure they'll work.

Purchase a copy of Dropped in a Maze today and gift it to someone who needs to know that rock bottom isn't the end.

Social Skills Autistic Adults Need

Most people learn basic social skills naturally throughout childhood—table manners, how to walk confidently, appropriate fidgeting management. But for autistic people, these skills often need to be explicitly taught. And by the time you reach adulthood without them, the gap becomes glaringly obvious.

The embarrassment of being in your mid-twenties and needing someone to teach you how to hold a fork properly, walk fluidly, or order appropriately at restaurants is profound.What's rarely discussed is how practical, specific coaching in these areas can transform your social experiences, when delivered constructively rather than judgmentally.

This is about the social skills autistic adults actually need, how constructive coaching differs from harmful criticism, and why learning these basics in your twenties (or thirties, or forties) isn't shameful—it's courageous.

Table of Contents

• Skill #1: Table Manners and Eating Mechanics

• Skill #2: Proper Posture and Fluid Movement

• Skill #3: Managing Fidgeting and Stimming in Social Settings

• Skill #4: Appropriate Food Choices and Healthy Eating Presentation

• Skill #5: Personal Grooming and Appearance Details

• Skill #6: Flexibility in Social Planning

• Skill #7: Distinguishing Constructive Feedback From Harsh Judgment

• The Difference Between Helpful Coaching and Harmful Criticism

• Key Takeaways for Learning Social Skills as an Adult

Skill #1: Table Manners and Eating Mechanics

Why This Matters

According to the National Library of Medicine, motor planning difficulties are common in autistic people and can affect fine motor tasks like using utensils properly. When Kelly first observed me eating, she noticed several issues I was completely unaware of.

What I Needed to Learn

Eating pace: "The first thing is you need to eat slowly. Remember this rule: two bites, one sip of water, two bites, one sip of water."

Fork grip and mechanics: I was holding my fork incorrectly and using it like a spoon at times. The fork was hitting my teeth and making noise.

Proper utensil-to-mouth motion: Kelly demonstrated the correct way to bring food to my mouth and had me practice until I got it right.

Why This Is Important for Dating and Professional Life

As Kelly explained: "We are going to focus on eating because when you first start dating someone, that is what you are going to be doing."

First dates typically involve meals. Business meetings happen over lunch or dinner. Poor table manners create negative first impressions that can overshadow everything else about you.

The Embarrassment Factor

It felt profoundly embarrassing that someone in her mid-twenties needed to be taught table manners that others learn substantially younger. But the embarrassment of learning is temporary—the impact of not learning lasts forever.

How to Practice

• Watch yourself eat in a mirror to see what others see

• Practice the two-bite, one-sip rhythm until it becomes automatic

• Record yourself eating to identify specific issues

• Ask trusted people for honest feedback about your eating habits

If you missed signs of autism in your youth that could have led to earlier intervention in these skills, read our article on The Journey to Autism Diagnosis: 7 Signs You Might Have Missed in Young Adults for more context.

Skill #2: Proper Posture and Fluid Movement

The Walking Problem

Dr. Grey had previously noticed that my walk wasn't fluid motion. Kelly confirmed this after seeing me walk up stairs and around the mall.

I had a "funny gait" from early childhood—glimpses of memories of walking on my tiptoes, never being fully comfortable with my whole foot on the floor. People had called me out on my walk throughout my life, saying I walked "weird" or too fast, but nobody got into specifics until now.

What I Needed to Learn

Standing posture: Walk standing up straight with shoulders back

Heel-to-toe motion: Use the whole foot in fluid motion, not just toes or balls of feet

Pace and rhythm: Walk at a normal pace rather than rushing

Stair climbing form: Proper technique for going up and down stairs

Why This Matters

Body language communicates before you speak. How you carry yourself signals:

• Confidence or insecurity

• Comfort or awkwardness

• Social awareness or obliviousness

An awkward gait or poor posture can make people uncomfortable around you without them consciously knowing why.

The Lifelong Impact

Poor motor skills don't just affect walking. They impact:

• How you're perceived professionally

• Whether people feel comfortable around you

• First impressions in social and romantic situations

• Your own confidence and self-image

How to Practice

• Practice walking in front of a mirror to see your posture

• Video yourself walking from different angles

• Focus on one element at a time: first shoulders back, then heel-to-toe, then pace

• Ask for feedback from people who will be honest and constructive

Dropped in a Maze: My Life On The Spectrum

Skill #3: Managing Fidgeting and Stimming in Social Settings

The Hair-Playing Problem

Kelly noticed I played with my hair during meals. She taught me to keep my hands together on my lap when I felt the urge to fidget.

This remains a work in progress, as I have a tendency to fidget with my hair for sensory regulation.

The Balancing Act

For autistic people, stimming serves important regulatory functions. But in professional or dating contexts, obvious stimming can distract others or signal anxiety and discomfort.

Finding Middle Ground

The goal isn't to eliminate stimming entirely—it's to:

Develop less noticeable stims that still provide sensory input (hands on lap, subtle foot tapping)

Save more obvious stims for private moments (hair playing, hand flapping when alone)

Recognize when stimming is increasing and what triggers it (anxiety, overstimulation)

Communicate needs when necessary ("I need a moment to step away and regulate")

Practical Strategies

• Identify your most common stims and when they occur

• Practice replacement behaviors that are less noticeable

• Use discrete fidget tools (smooth stones in pocket, textured jewelry)

• Take strategic breaks to stim freely in private

For more on finding therapists and coaches who understand these balance between autistic needs and social expectations, read our article on 5 Signs You've Found the Right Therapist.

Skill #4: Appropriate Food Choices and Healthy Eating Presentation

The Appetizer Incident

During one dinner, Kelly noticed I ordered only an appetizer that wasn't nutritionally valuable. She taught me about ordering healthy foods when eating out.

Her reasoning: "Eating healthy shows people you care about yourself and take care of yourself."

Why This Matters

Food choices signal to others:

• Whether you value your health

• Your level of self-care

• Whether you can make adult decisions

• How you'll approach other life areas

The Broader Lesson

This wasn't about restriction or diet culture. It was about demonstrating self-care through choices that show you value yourself.

Ordering appropriately also includes:

• Matching the formality of the setting (don't order appetizers only at a formal dinner)

• Being adventurous without being inappropriate (don't order the messiest item on a first date)

• Considering portion sizes (don't order so much you can't finish or so little you seem restrictive)

• Reading the situation (casual lunch versus important business dinner)

How to Develop This Skill

• Research menus ahead of time so you're not deciding under pressure

• Observe what others order in similar settings

• Ask trusted friends for feedback on your food choices

• Practice ordering at different types of restaurants

Skill #5: Personal Grooming and Appearance Details

The Constructive Difference

Kelly never commented on my weight—a stark contrast to Dr. Grey's obsessive focus on thinness. Instead, she addressed specific, actionable grooming issues:

• Hair appearing disheveled

• Bra fit being incorrect

• Needing to pay more attention to these aspects before leaving the house

Why This Approach Works

Constructive feedback on grooming:

• Focuses on specific, fixable issues

• Doesn't shame your body or natural appearance

• Provides actionable steps

• Addresses presentation, not inherent worth

Common Grooming Gaps for Autistic Adults

Many autistic adults struggle with:

• Knowing when hair needs washing or styling

• Understanding proper undergarment fit

• Recognizing when clothes need replacing

• Applying makeup appropriately (if choosing to wear it)

• Maintaining consistent hygiene routines

How to Address These Gaps

• Create checklists for daily grooming routines

• Get professional fittings for undergarments

• Ask trusted friends for honest appearance feedback

• Set up systems (hair washing schedule, clothing replacement timeline)

• Take photos to see how you actually look versus how you think you look

Purchase your copy today.

Skill #6: Flexibility in Social Planning

The Restaurant Change Incident

When Kelly set us to meet at a restaurant whose menu didn't appeal to me, I reluctantly asked if we could go somewhere else. She agreed, but her unhappiness showed.

Her response: "Don't do this again! What would've happened if you had done this on a date? Your date would've probably been pissed off and annoyed."

The Social Rule I Violated

Once plans are set, changing them is generally inappropriate unless there's a significant reason (allergies, dietary restrictions, genuine emergency).

Changing plans because you don't like the menu signals:

• Inflexibility

• Difficulty compromising

• Prioritizing your preferences over others'

• Poor planning (you should have checked the menu before agreeing)

The Competing Needs

My suspicion was that Kelly may have been bothered because she genuinely wanted to eat at the original restaurant. This highlights the complexity:

Sometimes what's labeled "teaching you social skills" is actually about the other person's preferences.

Learning Flexibility

For autistic people who struggle with food texture, routine, or unexpected changes:

Communicate dietary restrictions upfront: "I have sensory issues with certain foods. Can we choose a restaurant together?"

Review menus before agreeing to plans: Check that there's at least one item you can eat

Bring backup foods if necessary: Keep safe foods available for difficult situations

Practice tolerating imperfect situations: Not every meal needs to be ideal

Skill #7: Distinguishing Constructive Feedback From Harsh Judgment

Constructive Coaching (Kelly's Approach)

Kelly's feedback was:

• Specific: "You're making noise with your fork hitting your teeth"

• Actionable: "Here's how to hold your fork properly. Watch me, then follow."

• Focused on teachable skills: Table manners, walking mechanics, grooming details

• Free of body shaming: Never commented on weight, only on specific presentation issues

Harsh Judgment (Dr. Grey's Approach)

Dr. Grey's feedback was:

• General and demoralizing: "Something isn't working if you've been going to the gym"

• Focused on unchangeable aspects: Body size, facial attractiveness ratings

• Lacking specific guidance: "Everything has to be perfect" without defining what that means

• Undermining confidence: "Girls are just being nice when they compliment you"

The Breaking Point

Eventually, I had enough of Dr. Grey's weight obsession. When he continued his "serenade about how some of his clients wouldn't go out with women five pounds overweight," I finally pushed back:

"Don't you think it's possible that these clients who are fussing about women being five pounds overweight are just being shallow? Women can pick up on men who are shallow and will keep their distance."

Why This Distinction Matters

Constructive coaching:

• Builds skills and confidence

• Provides specific, actionable steps

• Respects your inherent worth

• Focuses on what you can control

Harsh judgment:

• Tears down self-esteem

• Creates impossible standards

• Ties worth to appearance or others' opinions

• Focuses on what you can't easily change

Ready to hear more about navigating the difference between helpful support and harmful criticism? Listen to the On the Spectrum Empowerment Stories podcast for real conversations about what actually helps autistic adults build genuine confidence.

Helpful Coaching and Harmful Criticism

The Difference Between Helpful Coaching and Harmful Criticism

What Made Kelly's Approach Effective

She focused on skills, not worth: Table manners and walking mechanics are learnable skills, not indicators of value as a person.

She demonstrated and practiced: "Watch me, then follow" is effective teaching methodology.

She acknowledged progress: Kelly noticed improvement and commented on it, reinforcing positive changes.

She explained the 'why': Understanding that first dates involve eating helps you prioritize learning table manners.

She addressed specific, fixable issues: Disheveled hair and poor bra fit are concrete problems with concrete solutions.

What Made Dr. Grey's Approach Harmful

He focused on unchangeable aspects: Body size, facial structure, inherent attractiveness.

He provided contradictory messages: Be thin, but also treat yourself to ice cream.

He reinforced perfectionism: "Everything has to be perfect" creates impossible standards.

He undermined confidence: Dismissing genuine compliments as "just being nice."

He projected his clients' shallowness: Treating five-pound weight concerns as legitimate rather than problematic.

The Key Question

After any coaching or feedback session, ask yourself:

Do I feel empowered with specific things I can practice and improve, or do I feel inadequate and hopeless about unchangeable aspects of myself?

If it's the latter, you're receiving harmful criticism, not helpful coaching.

Key Takeaways for Learning Social Skills as an Adult

It's Not Too Late to Learn

Being in your twenties, thirties, or beyond when you finally learn basic social skills doesn't mean you're broken. It means:

• You didn't receive the explicit instruction autistic people need

• You're brave enough to address gaps now

• You're investing in your future social success

Many autistic adults have these same gaps. You're not alone.

Embarrassment Is Temporary, Impact Is Permanent

Yes, it's embarrassing to need table manners coaching as an adult. But:

• The embarrassment of learning lasts weeks or months

• The benefit of knowing these skills lasts your entire life

• People won't remember you needed to learn; they'll just notice you have good manners now

Focus on Specific, Actionable Skills

Effective social skills coaching addresses:

• Table manners and eating mechanics

• Posture and movement

• Grooming and presentation details

• Social conventions and flexibility

Ineffective coaching focuses on:

• Body size and weight

• Inherent attractiveness

• Impossible perfectionism

• What others think of you

Find Coaches Who Build You Up

The right coach or therapist:

• Provides specific, actionable feedback

• Acknowledges your progress

• Explains why skills matter

• Respects your inherent worth

• Focuses on what you can control

The wrong coach:

• Makes you feel worse about yourself

• Provides vague or contradictory advice

• Focuses on unchangeable aspects

• Ties your worth to others' shallow judgments

Progress Takes Practice

Kelly noticed improvement in my fork grip and eating pace after just a couple of sessions because I practiced the specific techniques she taught.

Social skills improve through:

• Conscious practice of specific techniques

• Immediate feedback on what's working

• Repetition until skills become automatic

• Patience with yourself during the learning process

For the complete story of learning these social skills as an adult—including every embarrassing moment, every breakthrough, and what actually worked versus what wasted my time—my book provides all the details you need. 

Purchase your copy today.

Moving Forward

If you're an autistic adult who knows something is "off" about your social presentation but can't pinpoint what, you're not alone. Most autistic people need explicit coaching in skills neurotypical people absorb through observation.

The key is finding coaches and therapists who can provide that explicit guidance constructively, building your skills and confidence simultaneously.

Ready to learn the complete story of navigating social skills coaching, distinguishing helpful feedback from harmful criticism, and eventually developing genuine confidence? My book details every session with both Kelly and Dr. Grey, showing you exactly what works and what doesn't. 

Order your copy today

6 Ways Your Therapist May Be Harming You (Even If They Specialize in Autism)

Finding a therapist who specializes in autism feels like winning the lottery, especially after years of working with practitioners who don't understand your neurological differences. But specialization in autism doesn't automatically equal good therapy.

Sometimes the most harmful therapeutic relationships come from practitioners who understand autism intellectually but apply that knowledge in ways that reinforce shame, perfectionism, and self-hatred rather than building genuine self-worth.

This is about recognizing when autism-informed therapy crosses the line from helpful to harmful, and what to do when your therapist's advice is damaging your mental health instead of supporting it.

Table of Contents

• Harmful Pattern #1: Obsessive Focus on Your Appearance and Weight

• Harmful Pattern #2: Contradictory Messages That Keep You Confused

• Harmful Pattern #3: Reinforcing That You Need to Be "Perfect"

• Harmful Pattern #4: Judging People With Mental Health Struggles

• Harmful Pattern #5: Discouraging Career Paths Based on Your Autism

• Harmful Pattern #6: Telling You to Care What Everyone Thinks

• What Healthy Autism-Informed Therapy Actually Looks Like

• How to Protect Yourself From Harmful Therapy

Harmful Pattern #1: Obsessive Focus on Your Appearance and Weight

When Body Image Becomes Central to Treatment

One of Dr. Grey's frequent topics was my weight and appearance. Sessions would begin with questions like "So, you were never known as the heavy child?" followed by critiques of my eating habits, exercise routine, and overall appearance.

His advice included:

• "Maybe you need to start eating more lean meat and protein-based foods"

• "Hire a nutritionist to help you"

• "Something isn't working if you have been going to the gym as often as you say"

• When I mentioned girls complimenting my appearance: "They are just trying to be nice to you"

The Damaging Message

The culmination was this statement: "The reason I am telling you all this is that with your autism and mood disorder, everything has to be perfect. Thin girls get away with more."

This message communicated that:

• Your neurological differences mean you're starting from a deficit

• You must compensate for autism by achieving physical perfection

• Other people's superficial judgments should dictate your self-worth

• Being thin is a prerequisite for social acceptance

Why This Is Harmful

According to the National Eating Disorders Association, autistic people already have higher rates of eating disorders and body image issues. A therapist reinforcing that thinness equals worthiness can:

• Trigger or exacerbate disordered eating

• Create shame about natural body diversity

• Tie self-worth to appearance rather than character

• Add perfectionism on top of existing mental health struggles

What I Needed Instead

Therapeutic support should have addressed:

• Using food emotionally as a coping mechanism

• Building self-worth independent of appearance

• Challenging societal beauty standards, not reinforcing them

• Developing healthy relationship with body and food

For more on recognizing when therapeutic relationships have crossed into harmful territory, read our article on 5 Signs You've Found the Right Therapist (And 3 Red Flags You're With the Wrong One).

Contradictory Messages

Harmful Pattern #2: Contradictory Messages That Keep You Confused

The Ice Cream Paradox

Dr. Grey's messages often contradicted each other:

One session: "Because of your autism and mood disorder, everything has to be perfect. This means you need to be thin. People these days are obsessed with airbrushing, and I have clients who won't date a girl who is even five lbs overweight."

Another session: "On days you feel bad, you need to learn to go do something for yourself, such as go get an ice cream."

Why Contradictory Advice Harms

When therapeutic messages contradict each other:

You can never get it right. Whatever you do violates one piece of advice or another.

You lose trust in your judgment. If the expert keeps changing the rules, you stop trusting your own decisions.

You stay dependent on the therapist. Confusion keeps you coming back for clarity that never arrives.

You internalize the contradiction. The conflicting messages become your inner dialogue—"be perfect" versus "treat yourself" creates paralysis.

The Pattern Across Multiple Areas

The contradictions extended beyond food:

• Be yourself / Change everything about yourself

• Don't care what people think / Care deeply about what everyone thinks

• Build self-worth / Your worth depends on others' judgments

• Love yourself / You're not attractive enough as you are

What Consistent Therapeutic Messaging Looks Like

Effective therapy provides:

• Clear, consistent principles you can rely on

• Messages that align across different situations

• Support for developing your own judgment

• Acknowledgment when approaches need to shift, with explanation

For the complete story of my autistic journey through law school my book provides all the details, order your copy today. 

Harmful Pattern #3: Reinforcing That You Need to Be "Perfect"

The Impossible Standard

Dr. Grey's recurring message: "Because of your autism and mood disorder, everything has to be perfect."

This extended to:

• Physical appearance: Thin, fashionable, makeup done correctly

• Social skills: Every interaction executed flawlessly

• Body language: Walk correctly, posture perfect, no "weird" movements

• Dating: Compensate for autism by achieving perfection in all areas

Why Perfectionism Is Toxic for Autistic People

Autistic people already tend toward:

• All-or-nothing thinking

• High standards for themselves

• Difficulty with self-compassion

• Shame about not meeting neurotypical expectations

A therapist reinforcing that you must be perfect to be acceptable amplifies these existing vulnerabilities.

The Impossible Equation

The message was clear: Autism + Mood Disorder = Need for Perfection to Compensate

This creates an impossible situation where:

• Your neurological differences are framed as deficits

• You must work harder than neurotypical people to be "acceptable"

• Any imperfection confirms you're not trying hard enough

• There's no room for being human, making mistakes, or having bad days

What I Started Teaching Myself Instead

During my deepest depression, I began practicing: "I am a sexy diva," repeatedly in front of the mirror. At first it felt weird, but it became a routine I loved.

When Dr. Grey dismissed this with "Guys don't see you like that," I responded: "I don't care what guys see me as. It's the opinion of myself that should count first, Dr. Grey."

Dropped in a Maze: My Life On The Spectrum

Harmful Pattern #4: Judging People With Mental Health Struggles

The Stigmatizing Statement

During one session, Dr. Grey said: "The unfortunate truth is when people have any kind of psychiatric diagnosis, others don't like to be around that person. People step back."

He continued: "People want to be around someone who has sunshine in their hearts. People don't like to be around people who have all sorts of issues."

The Professional Betrayal

This statement from a psychotherapist—someone whose job is to support people with mental health struggles—was profoundly damaging.

It communicated:

• Your mental health diagnosis makes you inherently undesirable

• You should hide or minimize your struggles to be acceptable

• People are right to avoid those with psychiatric diagnoses

• Your worth is contingent on appearing "issue-free"

Why This Is Unethical

A mental health professional stigmatizing psychiatric diagnoses:

• Violates the fundamental premise of therapeutic support

• Reinforces societal stigma clients come to therapy to escape

• Creates shame about seeking help or having diagnoses

• Makes clients feel judged in what should be a safe space

The Question This Raises

As I noted at the time: "It made me wonder why someone like him was even a psychologist, but like in any profession, people can enter it for the wrong reasons."

When your therapist judges the very population they're supposed to serve, it reveals they're in the field for reasons other than genuine care and support.

If you're questioning whether your autism diagnosis was missed or misunderstood in your youth, read our article on The Journey to Autism Diagnosis: 7 Signs You Might Have Missed in Young Adults for more context.

Harmful Pattern #5: Discouraging Career Paths Based on Your Autism

The Limiting Beliefs

Despite my expressed desire to become a therapist and help others on the autism spectrum, Dr. Grey actively discouraged this path.

His reasoning:

• Autism meant people wouldn't connect with me

• I shouldn't be in mental health or trial law

• I was better suited for financial advising where expertise mattered more than connection

The Deeper Issue

This advice revealed:

• Limited vision of what autistic people can do: Assuming autism automatically disqualifies you from relationship-based work

• Projection of his own biases: Perhaps his difficulty connecting with clients reflected his limitations, not autism's

• Ignoring my strengths and passions: My heart was suited to helping others heal and feel understood

• Reinforcing family pressure: Aligned with parents who wanted me to stay in law school rather than pursuing what called to me

What I Actually Knew

My desire to work in mental health came from authentic experience: "I wanted to be that person for someone else in ways I wish I had that someone for myself."

This is often the deepest calling—helping others through struggles you've survived yourself.

The Career That Actually Fits

Today, I work as an empowerment coach and host the On the Spectrum Empowerment Stories podcast—exactly the kind of relationship-based, healing-focused work Dr. Grey said autism made impossible.

His limiting beliefs about what autistic people can do were wrong. They reflected his biases, not reality.

For the complete, unfiltered story of my therapeutic journey, my book provides all the details. 

Order your copy today. 

Harmful Pattern #6: Telling You to Care What Everyone Thinks

The Detective Work

Dr. Grey started one session: "I wonder if perhaps there is a sign you are wearing that is pushing people away."

His solution: "This is where we need to do some detective work and get some feedback from others that could help us."

Later, when I shared feedback: "Well, let's listen to what these people are saying. You should care about what people say about you because this is what carried you throughout your whole life."

The Problem With This Approach

It reinforces external validation: Your worth becomes dependent on others' opinions rather than internal self-knowledge.

It ignores toxic sources: Feedback from people who called me "weird" and avoided me wasn't constructive—it was cruel.

It creates hypervigilance: Constantly monitoring others' reactions keeps you anxious and self-conscious.

It prevents authenticity: You can't be yourself while obsessing over everyone's judgments.

The Contradiction

Dr. Grey simultaneously wanted me to:

• Care deeply about what everyone thinks

• Develop confidence and self-worth

• Be authentic while constantly performing for approval

These goals are incompatible.

What I Eventually Learned

The opinion of myself should count first. Not guys who rejected me. Not classmates who called me weird. Not even my therapist.

Building genuine self-worth requires:

• Valuing your own assessment over others' judgments

• Distinguishing between constructive feedback and cruel criticism

• Developing internal standards rather than chasing external approval

• Being selective about whose opinions you allow to matter

Ready to learn the complete story of navigating harmful therapy while struggling through law school? My book details every session, every harmful message, and what I eventually learned about genuine self-worth. 

Purchase a copy today and gift it to someone you know who's struggling with similar therapeutic relationships.

What Healthy Autism-Informed Therapy Actually Looks Like

The Positive Moments Were Real

Despite the harmful patterns, Dr. Grey did provide some valuable support:

CBT techniques: Teaching me to challenge all-or-nothing thinking and reframe negative thoughts like "Just because I never had a boyfriend doesn't mean I am nothing."

Validation of challenges: Acknowledging I had additional challenges other people didn't face because of autism and comorbid mood disorder.

Standing up for me: When family members suggested I was "cured" of autism or should stop therapy, he supported my continued treatment.

Advocacy against family misconceptions: Explaining that graduate school doesn't cure autism and therapy was keeping me afloat.

What Made Me Blind to the Problems

"This was where I blinded myself into thinking everything was okay with these therapy sessions: the fact that somebody understood autism."

When you've spent years with therapists who don't understand autism, finding someone who does feels like salvation. This can make you overlook significant problems with how they're applying that knowledge.

What Truly Helpful Autism Therapy Includes

Understanding autism without pathologizing it: Recognizing differences without framing them as deficits requiring compensation.

Building genuine self-worth: Internal validation that doesn't depend on appearance, dating success, or others' approval.

Consistent, non-contradictory messaging: Clear principles you can rely on to guide decisions.

Supporting authentic career paths: Helping you discover and pursue what genuinely calls to you, not limiting your options based on assumptions about autism.

Non-judgmental stance toward mental health: Creating safety rather than stigma around psychiatric diagnoses.

Balanced feedback processing: Teaching discernment about which opinions to consider versus which to dismiss.

How to Protect Yourself From Harmful Therapy

How to Protect Yourself From Harmful Therapy

Recognize the Warning Signs

Your therapy may be harmful if your therapist:

• Makes you feel worse about yourself after sessions

• Focuses obsessively on changing your appearance

• Gives contradictory advice that keeps you confused

• Reinforces that you must be "perfect" to compensate for autism

• Stigmatizes mental health diagnoses

• Limits your career aspirations based on assumptions about autism

• Tells you to care what everyone thinks while claiming to build confidence

Trust Your Inner Voice

The moment I told Dr. Grey "I don't care what guys see me as. It's the opinion of myself that should count first" was pivotal.

Even in harmful therapeutic relationships, your inner wisdom knows truth. Listen to it.

You're Allowed to Push Back

Therapy isn't a one-way street where the expert dictates and you comply. You're allowed to:

• Disagree with your therapist's assessments

• Question advice that doesn't feel right

• Express when something they said hurt you

• Stop following guidance that makes you feel worse

Consider Whether the Relationship Is Worth Continuing

Ask yourself:

• Is the helpful content worth the harmful messaging?

• Am I staying because they understand autism, even though they're hurting me?

• Would I tolerate this treatment from a friend or partner?

• Is there someone else who could provide autism expertise without the harm?

Seek Second Opinions

If you're unsure whether your therapy is helpful or harmful:

• Consult with another autism-informed therapist

• Share specific examples with trusted people who know good therapy

• Listen to your own emotional responses after sessions

• Track whether you're getting better or worse over time

Listen to the On the Spectrum Empowerment Stories podcast for more insights on navigating therapeutic relationships, building genuine self-worth, and recognizing when support systems are helping versus harming.

Moving Forward From Harmful Therapy

The therapeutic relationship with Dr. Grey was complicated—moments of genuine support mixed with deeply harmful messaging that reinforced shame, perfectionism, and external validation.

The most important lesson: Specialization in autism doesn't guarantee good therapy.

What matters is:

• How they apply their knowledge

• Whether they build you up or tear you down

• If they reinforce internal worth or external validation

• Whether you feel better or worse after working with them

Today, I use my experience navigating harmful therapeutic relationships to help others recognize red flags earlier than I did. The years I spent absorbing harmful messages about needing to be perfect, thin, and acceptable took additional years to unlearn.

You don't have to repeat my mistakes. You can recognize harmful patterns early and find practitioners who truly support your authentic development.

For the complete, unfiltered story of my therapeutic journey through law school—including every harmful session, what kept me stuck, and how I eventually found genuine self-worth—my book provides all the details these takeaways only begin to address. 

Order your copy today. 

5 Signs You've Found the Right Therapist (And 3 Red Flags You're With the Wrong One)

Finding the right therapist can feel like searching for a needle in a haystack—especially when you're autistic, dealing with trauma, or struggling with issues that most practitioners don't fully understand. You show up vulnerable and desperate for help, only to leave sessions feeling dismissed, misunderstood, or worse than when you arrived.

Not all therapy is good therapy. Not all therapists are equipped to handle the specific challenges autistic people face. And sometimes, what sounds like helpful advice in the moment is actually reinforcing the exact patterns that are keeping you stuck.

After self-harm brought me to a breaking point in law school, my parents insisted I find therapeutic help. What followed was a journey through different practitioners—some who offered genuine insight, others who said things that were ultimately harmful, and eventually finding someone who understood both autism and the deeper work I needed.

This is about recognizing when you're getting real help versus when you're wasting time and money on therapy that isn't serving you.

Table of Contents

• Good Sign #1: They Tell You Hard Truths You Need to Hear

• Good Sign #2: They Help You Understand Patterns, Not Just Feelings

• Good Sign #3: They Teach You Practical Self-Protection Skills

• Good Sign #4: They Have Specific Expertise in Your Challenges

• Good Sign #5: They See Your Bigger Picture, Not Just Your Symptoms

• Red Flag #1: They Make Dismissive Statements About Your Struggles

• Red Flag #2: They Tell You What You're "Meant" or "Not Meant" to Have

• Red Flag #3: They Don't Specialize in What You Actually Need

• How to Find the Right Therapeutic Support

• Key Takeaways for Choosing Your Therapist

• Moving Forward

Good Sign #1: They Tell You Hard Truths You Need to Hear

The Assignment You're Avoiding

After revealing my self-harm to my parents during their visit, they insisted I see a local therapist near law school. This therapist was willing to say something nobody else had directly addressed:

"We all have an assignment we have to do before our time is up on Earth. If you are feeling unfulfilled in a career path you are on, and it is more than just one bad day, then perhaps this is not your assignment."

Why This Matters

A good therapist doesn't just validate your feelings—they help you see uncomfortable truths you're avoiding.

In my case:

• I was deeply unhappy in law school

• The unhappiness wasn't temporary or situational

• I was living a "brainwashed lie" of who I thought I needed to be

• Law wasn't my assignment, but I was too scared to admit it

The Difference Between Hard Truth and Harsh Criticism

Hard truth:

• Comes from a place of wanting you to live authentically

• Helps you see patterns you've been denying

• Gives you permission to make changes you're afraid to make

• Focuses on your wellbeing, not others' expectations

Harsh criticism:

• Focuses on what's wrong with you

• Reinforces shame and inadequacy

• Doesn't offer pathways forward

• Makes you feel worse without clarity on what to change

A therapist who can deliver hard truths with compassion is helping you break through denial into authentic living.

When You're Too Scared to Hear It

At the time, I was too scared to act on this truth. The fear of disappointing parents, of admitting I'd chosen wrong, of having to start over—all of it kept me frozen.

But the therapist planted a seed. She named the reality I couldn't yet speak: You're in the wrong place, living the wrong life, and your suffering is telling you that.

Eventually, that truth became impossible to ignore.

Good Sign #2: They Help You Understand Patterns, Not Just Feelings

Beyond Surface Emotions

Good therapy doesn't just help you feel better temporarily. It helps you understand why things keep happening the way they do.

This therapist taught me about human behavior in ways that gave me a framework for understanding my experiences:

"People know whom to target and go after. It's like how sharks are able to detect their prey. People go after those whom they feel they can go after."

Why Pattern Recognition Matters

Understanding patterns helps you:

Recognize when you're being targeted rather than believing something is wrong with you.

Identify what makes you vulnerable to exploitation or mistreatment.

Make different choices based on understanding dynamics, not just reacting emotionally.

See your role in patterns without drowning in shame about it.

The Vulnerability You Carry

The therapist identified something crucial: "There is a vulnerability about you that you carry around."

This wasn't an insult. It was important information.

For autistic people, this vulnerability often comes from:

• Social naivety that others can detect and exploit

• Desperation for connection that makes you overlook red flags

• Difficulty reading intentions, leaving you open to manipulation

• Past trauma that hasn't been processed, creating visible wounds

Understanding this vulnerability is the first step toward protecting yourself from people who will take advantage of it.

Good Sign #3: They Teach You Practical Self-Protection Skills

More Than Just Awareness

Awareness without skills doesn't create change. A good therapist gives you specific strategies you can implement immediately.

This therapist taught me practical self-protection:

About keeping your head held up high: Physical posture matters. The way you carry yourself signals to others whether you're an easy target.

About standing up for yourself: Not just conceptually, but with specific language and boundaries.

About shutting down inappropriate topics: "If people talk about dating issues and are harping you for not being like them, you need to learn to start saying 'that is not up for discussion.'"

Why This Phrase Matters

"That is not up for discussion" is a complete sentence. It requires no explanation, no justification, no defense.

For autistic people who struggle with:

• Over-explaining ourselves

• Feeling obligated to answer every question

• Not knowing how to set boundaries politely

• Fearing we'll seem rude if we don't engage

This phrase is revolutionary. It's a boundary that protects you without requiring social finesse to execute.

Teaching About Red Flags

The therapist also helped me understand red flags in men's behavior with blunt honesty:

"A man who flirts with everyone is not special."

She explained that someone who behaves flirtatiously with everyone isn't showing you genuine interest—he's just operating from his natural pattern. The behavior means nothing about you specifically.

This helped me understand that Demetrious's flirtatiousness wasn't special attention. It was his standard operating procedure with everyone.

These kinds of practical skills and frameworks, explained in greater detail throughout my book, are what actually create change in your life, not just insight into why you feel bad.

Dropped in a Maze: My Life On The Spectrum

Good Sign #4: They Have Specific Expertise in Your Challenges

When General Practice Isn't Enough

After attending an autism conference in Chicago, my parents heard keynote speaker Dr. Grey present on autism spectrum behaviors and social blindness. They were impressed by his specific knowledge about:

• Repetitious patterns of behavior in autistic people

• Social blindness and how it manifests

• Autism-specific challenges in social situations

This led them to get his contact information, and I soon found myself in his office.

Why Specialization Matters

General therapists, however well-meaning, often:

Lack understanding of how autism affects everything from social interaction to emotional processing to sensory experiences.

Apply neurotypical frameworks that don't account for different neurological wiring.

Miss crucial context about why certain things are harder for autistic people.

Give advice that works for neurotypical people but fails for autistic clients.

What Autism-Specific Expertise Provides

A therapist with autism expertise:

• Understands repetitious thought patterns as neurological, not just behavioral

• Recognizes social blindness as a genuine processing difference

• Doesn't pathologize autistic traits or try to make you "normal"

• Offers strategies designed for how autistic brains actually work

• Can distinguish between autistic traits and mental health conditions

When my parents saw Dr. Grey present with clear, specific knowledge about autism, they recognized this was expertise I needed access to. Watch out for these 7 Red Flags of Unethical Mental Health Practice when seeking care

Good Sign #5: They See Your Bigger Picture, Not Just Your Symptoms

Beyond the Presenting Problem

I came to therapy because of self-harm. But good therapists understand that surface behaviors always point to deeper issues.

The self-harm wasn't the problem. It was a symptom of:

• Being in a career path that wasn't mine

• Years of unprocessed rejection and trauma

• Lack of genuine self-worth

• Trying to be someone I wasn't to meet others' expectations

• Accumulated pain with no healthy outlet

What "Seeing the Bigger Picture" Means

A therapist who sees your bigger picture:

Connects current struggles to past experiences rather than treating each problem in isolation.

Understands how different issues intersect—autism, trauma, depression, social isolation, career dissatisfaction.

Addresses root causes instead of just managing symptoms.

Helps you see patterns across your life that explain why you're stuck.

Works toward authentic living rather than just reducing distress.

The Question of Your Assignment

When the therapist said "perhaps this is not your assignment," she was seeing the bigger picture:

• My unhappiness wasn't just about one bad semester

• Law school was the wrong path for my authentic self

• I was living according to others' expectations, not my own values

• The pain would continue until I aligned with my true assignment

This is deeper work than "how do I feel better in law school." This is "why are you in law school in the first place?"

Red Flag #1: They Make Dismissive Statements About Your Struggles

When Good Advice Turns Harmful

The same therapist who offered valuable insights also said things that were ultimately dismissive:

"You aren't meant to have friends right now." "You aren't meant to have a boyfriend." "You could've had a boyfriend years ago."

Why These Statements Are Harmful

They dismiss the real struggle of being autistic in a neurotypical social world.

They frame isolation as destiny rather than addressing the barriers preventing connection.

They suggest you should accept loneliness rather than working to build genuine relationships.

They lack empathy for how painful social isolation actually is.

They offer no pathway forward—just acceptance of a painful reality.

The Impact of Dismissive Statements

Hearing "you aren't meant to have friends right now" when you're desperately lonely:

• Reinforces that something is fundamentally wrong with you

• Suggests your desire for connection is the problem

• Provides no skills for building the friendships you need

• Makes isolation feel permanent and unchangeable

These statements felt like the therapist was giving up on the possibility of my social life improving, rather than helping me understand what needed to change to make improvement possible.

What Should Have Been Said Instead

A more helpful approach:

"Building friendships is challenging for autistic people, and it requires specific skills and strategies. Let's work on those."

"The relationships you've had haven't been healthy. Let's focus on what genuine friendship looks like and how to recognize it."

"Your current social strategies aren't working. Here's what we can try differently."

Red Flag #2: They Tell You What You're "Meant" or "Not Meant" to Have

The Problem With Destiny Language

Saying someone is "meant" or "not meant" to have something removed agency and suggests their circumstances are fixed and unchangeable.

This language is particularly harmful for autistic people who:

• Already feel fundamentally different and broken

• Struggle with social connections that seem effortless for others

• Wonder if they're capable of the relationships they see others have

• Need to believe change is possible to keep trying

What This Language Communicates

"You aren't meant to have friends right now" communicates:

• Your loneliness is somehow cosmically ordained

• There's nothing you can do about it

• Wanting friends is futile or misguided

• You should accept isolation as your fate

This is the opposite of empowering therapeutic language.

The Alternative

Empowering therapeutic language:

"Your current approach to friendships hasn't worked. Let's figure out why and try something different."

"Building authentic connections takes time and specific skills. Here's what we'll work on."

"You haven't yet built the friendships you want, but that doesn't mean you can't. Here's how we'll get there."

This language maintains hope while being realistic about the work required.

Red Flag #3: They Don't Specialize in What You Actually Need

The Generalist Problem

Many therapists are trained in general mental health support but lack specific expertise in:

• Autism spectrum disorders

• Trauma-informed approaches

• Self-harm and crisis intervention

• Social skills development for autistic adults

• Career and identity issues

When your challenges span multiple specialized areas, a generalist may provide surface-level support without addressing the depth of what you're dealing with.

Why My Parents Sought Dr. Grey

After hearing Dr. Grey speak specifically about:

• Autism spectrum behaviors

• Social blindness

• Repetitious patterns in autistic people

My parents recognized this was specialized knowledge I needed access to. His expertise wasn't just general therapy—it was autism-specific understanding.

The complete story of my therapeutic journey, including what eventually worked with Dr. Grey and other practitioners, is detailed in my book. Understanding what to look for in therapy can save you years of ineffective treatment.

Dropped in a Maze: My Life On The Spectrum

How to Find the Right Therapeutic Support

Step 1: Identify What You Actually Need

Before searching for a therapist, clarify:

• Do you need autism-specific expertise?

• Is trauma a primary concern?

• Are you dealing with specific issues like self-harm or crisis?

• Do you need help with social skills, relationships, or life direction?

• What hasn't worked in past therapy?

Be specific. "I need someone who understands autism" is better than "I need therapy."

Step 2: Research Specializations

Look for therapists who specifically list:

• Autism spectrum disorders (especially adult autism)

• Trauma-informed care

• CBT, DBT, or other evidence-based approaches

• Experience with your specific demographic

Don't settle for "general mental health" if you need specialized support.

Step 3: Ask Direct Questions in Initial Consultations

In your first session or consultation call, ask:

• "What experience do you have working with autistic adults?"

• "How do you approach social skills development?"

• "What's your understanding of how autism affects relationships?"

• "Have you worked with clients dealing with [your specific issue]?"

Their answers will tell you if they have real expertise or are winging it.

Step 4: Trust Your Gut About Fit

Even a qualified therapist might not be the right fit for you. Pay attention to:

• Do you feel understood or constantly misunderstood?

• Are they teaching you new skills or just validating feelings?

• Do you leave sessions with clarity or more confusion?

• Are they dismissive or empowering?

• Do they see your potential or just your deficits?

Step 5: Don't Stay With the Wrong Therapist Out of Obligation

If therapy isn't helping after several sessions, it's okay to:

• Tell them it's not the right fit

• Ask for a referral to someone more specialized

• Simply stop scheduling and find someone new

You don't owe anyone your time and money when they're not serving you well.

Step 6: Look for These Green Flags

The right therapist:

• Tells you hard truths with compassion

• Teaches practical skills, not just provides support

• Has specific expertise in your needs

• Sees your bigger picture, not just symptoms

• Empowers rather than dismisses

• Makes you feel hopeful about change, not hopeless about your circumstances

Get your copy of Dropped in a Maze: My Life On The Spectrum today.

Key Takeaways for Choosing Your Therapist

Good Therapy Challenges You to Grow

The therapist who told me "perhaps this is not your assignment" was challenging me to admit an uncomfortable truth. That's good therapy—not comfortable, but necessary.

Dismissive Language Reveals Underlying Attitudes

When a therapist says "you aren't meant to have friends right now," they're revealing they don't believe in your capacity for change in that area. That's a problem.

Specialization Matters for Complex Needs

Autism plus trauma plus social struggles plus career crisis requires more than general counseling. Seek specialists who understand your specific constellation of challenges.

You Can Switch Therapists

Just because you started with someone doesn't mean you're obligated to stay. If it's not working, find someone better suited to your needs.

Trust Takes Time, But Dismissiveness Happens Fast

Give a new therapist a few sessions to build trust and understand your situation. But if they're dismissive or harmful from the start, that's unlikely to improve.

The Right Therapist Sees Your Potential

Not just your problems, not just your diagnosis, not just your current struggles—but who you could become with the right support.

Moving Forward

Finding the right therapist transformed my trajectory. The wrong therapists provided surface support, made dismissive comments, or lacked the specific expertise I needed. But the practitioners who understood autism, could deliver hard truths with compassion, and taught practical skills made real change possible.

If you're currently in therapy that isn't helping, know that it's not that therapy doesn't work—it's that you haven't yet found the right therapeutic approach or practitioner for your specific needs.

Ready to learn the complete story of navigating therapy as an autistic person in crisis, my book provides everything you need to make informed choices about your own therapeutic journey. 

Get your copy of Dropped in a Maze: My Life On The Spectrum today.

Why Autistic People Struggle With Romantic Relationships

Everyone around you seems to be dating. Getting into relationships. Moving on from breakups and finding someone new within weeks. And there you are, wondering why something that appears so effortless for others feels completely out of reach for you.

For autistic people, romantic relationships aren't just emotionally complicated—they involve a layer of confusion, missed signals, and unprocessed pain that neurotypical people rarely have to navigate. The social rules of dating are already complex. For someone who struggles to read between the lines, misses subtle cues, and has spent years being rejected and mistreated, romantic connection can feel like climbing Mount Everest while everyone else takes the elevator.

This blog post addresses what nobody talks about when it comes to autism and romantic relationships—the real reasons why dating is harder, what happens when that pain goes unaddressed, and what you genuinely need to hear if you're struggling right now.

If you or someone you know is struggling with self-harm or mental health crisis, please contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988. You are not alone.

Table of Contents

• Reason #1: You're Reading Flirtatious Signals as Romantic Interest

• Reason #2: Past Rejection Follows You Into New Situations

• Reason #3: Dating Milestones Feel Like a Report Card

• Reason #4: You're Looking for Answers in the Wrong Places

• Reason #5: The Pain of Unmet Needs Reaches a Breaking Point

• Reason #6: Nobody Around You Truly Understands

• What You Actually Need (Not What People Tell You)

• Key Takeaways for Autistic People Navigating Romance

Reason #1: You're Reading Flirtatious Signals as Romantic Interest

The Mixed Signal Problem

One of the most painful experiences in romantic relationships is when someone acts flirtatious—playful physical contact, consistent eye contact, warm smiles—and then completely withdraws when you show genuine interest.

For autistic people, this is particularly devastating because we tend to take behavior at face value. If someone acts as though they like us, we believe they like us. We don't automatically factor in that some people are naturally flirtatious with everyone, or that someone can enjoy the attention of a person they have no actual romantic interest in.

Why Autistic People Miss These Cues

We process social information differently. The subtle distinction between "being friendly" and "being interested" involves reading a complex combination of context, consistency, body language, and social patterns that don't always compute the same way for autistic people.

We have less experience to draw from. Neurotypical people develop romantic intuition through years of casual dating experiences that teach them how to read signals. Without that foundation, every interaction feels like the first time.

We take behavior literally. When someone pats you on the back, shoves your chair playfully, and smiles every time they see you, the logical conclusion is that they're interested. Detecting the subtle difference between flirting for fun and genuine romantic interest requires reading invisible social rules.

We don't factor in inconsistency as rejection. When someone waits three days to respond to a dinner invitation and then declines without suggesting an alternative time, a neurotypical person recognizes this as a clear "no." An autistic person may miss this indirect signal entirely.

The Cruel Reality

What hurts most isn't just the rejection itself. It's not understanding why someone who behaved warmly and flirtatiously could turn around and express no romantic interest. This disconnect—between observed behavior and actual intention—is deeply confusing for autistic people.

The confusion keeps you stuck, trying to decode what happened instead of moving forward.

In my book, I detail the complete story of navigating this exact confusion in law school and the specific strategies that could have helped me recognize these signals earlier. Understanding this pattern can save you enormous pain.

Reason #2: Past Rejection Follows You Into New Situations

The Backpack of Past Pain

Every rejection you've experienced doesn't just disappear. It gets packed into a mental backpack you carry into every new situation.

Years of being rejected, bullied, and told you're not good enough create automatic fear responses:

• Fear of asking for someone's phone number in case they laugh at you

• Backing out of social situations at the last minute to avoid potential humiliation

• Assuming new rejections confirm old messages about your worth

• Being unable to distinguish between a new person and past people who hurt you

The Freeze Response

When you want to ask someone for their number but the memory of past humiliation kicks in, your body responds as if the past rejection is happening right now. You freeze. You avoid. You miss the opportunity entirely.

This isn't weakness or lack of confidence. It's a trauma response to repeated painful experiences. Your nervous system learned that social risk means pain, and it's trying to protect you.

Why This Is Different for Autistic People

Autistic people often have:

Longer processing times for social trauma. Neurotypical people may recover from romantic rejection more quickly. For autistic people, who tend to perseverate on difficult experiences, rejection can stay active in the mind for much longer.

Deeper sensitivity to rejection. Many autistic people experience rejection sensitive dysphoria—an intense emotional response to perceived rejection that goes beyond typical hurt feelings.

Less resilience from positive experiences. Without a history of positive romantic experiences to balance the negative ones, each rejection carries disproportionate weight.

Difficulty separating past from present. Clinging to past memories of how people treated you prevents you from recognizing that you're not the same person you were, and that new people aren't the same as the ones who hurt you.

Reason #3: Dating Milestones Feel Like a Report Card

The Comparison Trap

When everyone around you is dating, getting into relationships, and progressing through romantic milestones, not participating in any of these experiences can feel like failing a test everyone else passed.

At law school, when classmates found out I'd never had a boyfriend or been on a date, they were flabbergasted. Some said there was a big part of social life missing in not dating. Comments about singlehood—even well-meaning ones—stacked on top of each other until singlehood felt like a character flaw.

Why Milestones Hurt More for Autistic People

We're already behind on other social milestones: If you've spent your whole life feeling behind your peers socially, romantic milestones become yet another measure of how far you've fallen short.

Society treats romantic experience as a marker of worth: The messaging is everywhere: having a partner means you're likable, attractive, socially successful. Not having one means something is wrong with you.

Autistic people often have delayed development in these areas: This isn't a personal failing—it's a natural result of processing the world differently. But without that context, the gap between your experience and your peers' experience feels deeply personal.

You compare your insides to others' outsides: You see friends walking arm in arm with partners and assume their romantic lives are easy and fulfilling. You don't see the complexity behind what looks effortless from the outside.

The Arranged Match Expectation

For some autistic people—particularly those from cultures with arranged marriage traditions—there's an additional pressure that romantic connection will simply be "handled" by family. But arranged setups don't guarantee anything. People still have to genuinely like each other. And when you've spent years struggling to connect with people, the additional pressure of arranged introductions only amplifies the anxiety.

What everyone needs, above all, is to be genuinely loved for who they truly are. Not strategic matches, not arrangements, not someone tolerating them out of obligation. Genuine love.

Reason #4: You're Looking for Answers in the Wrong Places

The Decoding Obsession

After a painful rejection, it's natural to want to understand what happened. But when the search for answers becomes obsessive, it can take over your life.

Constantly asking others "What does it mean when a guy leads a woman on?" or trying to decode every text and interaction keeps you stuck in the past instead of moving forward. Every person you ask has a different opinion, which creates more confusion rather than clarity.

Why Autistic People Get Stuck Here

We're natural pattern-seekers. Autistic brains are wired to find logic and patterns. When someone's behavior doesn't make logical sense, we keep analyzing until we find an explanation.

We want a definitive answer. Uncertainty is deeply uncomfortable for many autistic people. "Maybe he just wasn't that interested" doesn't satisfy because it leaves too many unknowns.

We look externally for validation we need internally. The real question isn't "What's wrong with me that he rejected me?" The real work is building enough internal self-worth that one person's rejection doesn't define your value.

The Karaoke Coping Mechanism

During this painful period, I was drinking to excess on weekends, doing impersonations of professors at parties, and performing raunchy raps at birthday dinners—all channeling pain into performances for others' entertainment.

This was the same pattern from middle school: using performance as a way to connect, to get people to like you, to find belonging through entertainment.

It wasn't healthy connection. It was pain wearing a costume.

What You're Actually Looking For

The search for answers about why someone rejected you is really a search for:

• Confirmation that you're worthy of love

• An explanation that doesn't make you the problem

• Permission to stop blaming yourself

• Evidence that you're likable, valuable, and enough

These things cannot come from the person who rejected you. They have to come from within—which requires deep therapeutic work that goes far beyond surface-level coping.

Dropped in a Maze: My Life On The Spectrum

Reason #5: Nobody Around You Truly Understands

The Isolation of Being Misunderstood

Even when surrounded by people, the autistic experience of romantic struggle can feel profoundly isolating because nobody around you truly gets it.

Friends say:

• "Just ask him out"

• "You need to give guys a chance"

• "Brush it off and move on"

• "Everybody goes through this"

These responses, however well-meaning, miss the entire context of what you're actually dealing with:

• Years of accumulated rejection

• Difficulty reading social and romantic signals

• Unprocessed trauma from bullying and social failure

• A nervous system that responds to social risk with intense fear

• A brain that processes relationships differently than neurotypical people

The Disclosure Dilemma

I didn't disclose my autism diagnosis to people at law school for a long time, out of fear of hearing: "If you have autism, you shouldn't be in the legal profession."

This fear kept me from explaining behaviors that looked like flakiness or indecision to others—like backing out of plans due to sensory overload—but were actually neurological responses to overwhelm.

Not being able to explain yourself creates a painful double bind:

• Don't disclose: people misread your behavior and get frustrated

• Disclose: risk judgment, discrimination, and reduced expectations

When Disclosure Happens

When I finally told Khloe and Natalia about my autism diagnosis, Natalia's response was: "It makes sense why you didn't get Demetrious's number yet."

That response reduced all the complexity of living with autism to one social behavior. It missed the much bigger picture of what autistic people navigate in every interaction, every day.

Finding people who see the full picture—not just the narrow slice that affects them—is rare. But those people exist, and they're worth finding. Also, if you are finding it hard to make friends, this blogpost will help you navigate friendships as well.

What You Actually Need (Not What People Tell You)

What People Tell You

• "Just put yourself out there"

• "Confidence is attractive, just be confident"

• "You're too picky"

• "Stop overthinking it"

• "Everyone gets rejected, just move on"

What You Actually Need

Trauma-informed therapeutic support Not just someone to vent to, but a therapist trained in both autism and trauma who can help you process the years of rejection and build genuine self-worth.

Social skills coaching specific to dating General social skills training is different from navigating the specific complexity of romantic interest, mixed signals, and rejection. Targeted coaching for this specific area matters.

Community with other autistic people Connecting with others who share your experience validates that your struggles are real and not personal failings.

Time to develop at your own pace Romantic development for autistic people happens on a different timeline. That's not a deficiency—it's a different path.

Self-compassion as a practice Not just hearing that you're worthy, but doing the internal work to genuinely believe it. This is the foundation everything else is built on.

Realistic expectations about what relationships require Genuine love—being loved for who you truly are—is what matters. Not arrangements, not someone tolerating you, not someone who makes you feel like you have to fight for basic acceptance.

Get your copy of Dropped in a Maze: My Life On The Spectrum today.

Key Takeaways for Autistic People Navigating Romance

Mixed Signals Are a Real Problem, Not Your Imagination

When someone's behavior doesn't match their level of romantic interest, that's genuinely confusing for anyone. For autistic people, it's especially difficult. You're not broken for missing these signals. You're working with a different social processing system in a world that doesn't explain its rules.

Past Rejection Is Not Your Future

The fear response that keeps you from asking for a phone number or accepting a dinner invitation is based on past pain, not present reality. You have grown. You are not the same person who was bullied and rejected in middle school. New people are not the same people who hurt you.

Milestones Are Not Measurements of Worth

Never having dated by your twenties does not mean something is wrong with you. It means your development followed a different timeline. The meaning you assign to it matters more than the fact itself.

Surface-Level Support Is Not Enough

If you've been in therapy and still feel stuck, it may not be that therapy doesn't work for you—it may be that you haven't yet found the right therapeutic approach. Keep looking for a practitioner who understands both autism and trauma at a deep level.

Your Pain Is Valid and Deserves Real Help

Being told to "brush it off" when you're carrying decades of accumulated pain is not support. Your pain is real. It has real roots. It deserves real, substantive help—not dismissal.

You Deserve to Be Loved for Who You Are

Not tolerated. Not accommodated. Not chosen for strategic reasons.

Loved—genuinely and authentically—for exactly who you are.

That kind of love exists. But it starts with doing the internal work to know who you are and believe you're worthy of it.

Final Thoughts

Romantic relationships are hard for everyone. But for autistic people carrying years of rejection, trauma, and social confusion, they can feel impossible.

The struggles aren't personal failings. They're the natural result of navigating a neurotypical world's unspoken rules without the social blueprint that neurotypical people receive through years of casual romantic experience.

Ready to read the complete, unfiltered story of struggling with romantic relationships, rejection, and mental health as an autistic person in law school? My book doesn't sugarcoat the pain or skip the hard parts. It tells the full truth—and offers the wisdom that came from surviving it. 

Get your copy of Dropped in a Maze: My Life On The Spectrum today.

7 Signs You've Become the Toxic Person (And How Depression Makes It Worse)

Nobody wants to admit they've become toxic. We're quick to identify toxic people in our lives, but recognizing when we're the problem? That's devastatingly hard.

Depression doesn't just make you sad—it can turn you into someone who drains others, dumps emotions on people who aren't equipped to handle them, and pushes away the few genuine connections you have. Add unprocessed trauma from years of rejection and bullying, and you become a walking red flag to anyone who might have been your friend.

This is the uncomfortable truth I had to face after my 21st birthday disaster. The depression that followed didn't just make me miserable—it made me toxic to be around. I became the person others avoided, the one who brought negative energy into every interaction, the friend who took without giving back.

For autistic people struggling with depression after years of social failure, this pattern is particularly dangerous. We already struggle with social skills. When depression turns us toxic, we destroy the few chances we have at genuine connection.

This is about recognizing when you've crossed the line from struggling to toxic—and what you need to do differently to heal.

Table of Contents

• Sign #1: You're Emotionally Dumping on Acquaintances

• Sign #2: You Can't Stop Talking About Your Pain

• Sign #3: Your Envy of Others' Friendships Poisons Interactions

• Sign #4: You Obsess Over One Topic Despite People's Discomfort

• Sign #5: You Stand People Up or Cancel Because of Your Mood

• Sign #6: You Can't Pull Yourself Out of Depression Alone

• Sign #7: You're Disconnected From Yourself and Your Needs

• How to Stop Being Toxic and Start Healing

• Key Takeaways for Breaking the Cycle

Sign #1: You're Emotionally Dumping on Acquaintances

What Emotional Dumping Looks Like

After my birthday disaster, something strange started happening. Sapna, one of the people who'd bailed on my celebration, began encouraging me to vent to her about what was going on.

I took her up on it. I would share my frustrations, cry about how things turned out, and unload all my pain onto her.

This wasn't healthy communication. This was emotional dumping on someone who wasn't actually my close friend.

The Difference Between Sharing and Dumping

Healthy sharing:

• Reciprocal conversations where both people contribute

• Appropriate to the relationship depth

• Includes positive interactions, not just problems

• Respects the other person's emotional capacity

• Happens with people who've explicitly offered support

Emotional dumping:

• One-sided unloading of problems and pain

• Too intense for the relationship level

• Happens repeatedly without reciprocation

• Ignores whether the other person can handle it

• Treats acquaintances like therapists

Why This Is Toxic

Emotional dumping:

Burdens people who didn't sign up for it. Acquaintances aren't equipped to handle your deepest trauma and pain.

Creates imbalanced relationships. You're taking emotional support without giving anything back.

Pushes people away. Even people who initially felt sympathetic will start avoiding you.

Prevents real friendships from forming. People see you as needy and draining before getting to know you.

What I Should Have Done Instead

Looking back, I recognize that my pain was my responsibility to bear, not Sapna's to carry. I owed her an apology for the emotional dumping.

What I needed:

• A therapist trained to handle that level of pain

• Processing past trauma, not just surface emotions

• Skills for managing depression, not just people to vent to

• Healthy boundaries about what to share and with whom

Dropped in a Maze: My Life On The Spectrum

Sign #2: You Can't Stop Talking About Your Pain

The Depression That Clung Like an Octopus

The Fall 2003 semester was numbing and depressing. Every day felt like struggling to stay above water. The feelings from my birthday—anger, hurt, betrayal, self-loathing—clung to me like an octopus clinging to a face.

I couldn't shake it off. Worse, I couldn't stop talking about it.

When Pain Becomes Your Identity

Depression can make your pain become the only thing you can talk about:

Every conversation circles back to your struggles. No matter what topic starts the discussion, you redirect it to your pain.

You can't engage with others' lives. When people share their experiences, you immediately relate it back to your own suffering.

Happy moments feel impossible. Even when good things happen, you can't fully experience them because depression clouds everything.

You become a black hole of negativity. People start to dread interactions with you because they know it'll just be more pain.

The Triggering Environment

It didn't help that birthday conversations were happening constantly around me. People were:

• Going on trips with friends for their birthdays

• Having dinner celebrations

• Throwing parties they were excited about

None of which included eating a fish sandwich alone at a fast-food place.

Every conversation about birthdays was a trigger that sent me spiraling back into the shame and embarrassment of my own experience.

Why This Pushes People Away

When you can't stop talking about your pain:

People feel helpless. They don't know how to help and feel bad that nothing they say makes a difference.

Interactions become exhausting. Every conversation requires emotional labor they're not getting paid for.

They start avoiding you. It's not personal—they're protecting their own mental health.

You miss opportunities to connect. Shared interests and positive experiences are what build friendships, not shared misery.

What's Actually Needed

My therapist, Dr. Theroux, kept validating my feelings: "Anybody who was in a similar situation to you would also feel devastated to feel that nobody was close enough to celebrate them."

But validation alone wasn't enough. She also kept telling me to "pull myself out of the depression."

I tried. I couldn't. I didn't have the skills.

What I actually needed was deeper therapeutic work on:

• Processing childhood trauma that the birthday triggered

• Learning to love myself, which I had no clue how to do

• Developing skills to manage intense emotions

• Healing the root causes, not just managing symptoms

In my book, I detail the complete struggle with depression during this semester and what eventually helped me move beyond just talking about pain to actually healing from it. Understanding this difference is crucial for anyone stuck in this pattern.

Dropped in a Maze: My Life On The Spectrum

Sign #3: Your Envy of Others' Friendships Poisons Interactions

The Toxic Combination

When I vented to Sapna, I wasn't just expressing sadness. I was emotionally dumping while simultaneously being envious that she had friends despite sharing her own childhood difficulties.

Sapna emphasized how hard she worked to get friends. I kept thinking I was doing the same thing, and that aggravated me.

The anger was really about my own frustrations, but it poisoned our interactions.

How Envy Shows Up

Envy in friendships manifests as:

Resentment when others succeed socially. Instead of being happy for them, you feel bitter about your own situation.

Comparing constantly. "Why do they have friends and I don't? What's wrong with me?"

Inability to celebrate others. Their wins feel like your losses.

Passive-aggressive comments. Subtle digs that reveal your jealousy.

Taking their friendship for granted. You're so focused on what you lack that you don't appreciate what you have.

Why This Is Toxic

Envy:

Creates negative energy that people can feel even if you don't voice it.

Prevents genuine connection because you're focused on what you don't have rather than building what's in front of you.

Makes people feel bad about their own happiness around you.

Reveals that you're using them as a measuring stick for your own inadequacy rather than valuing them as individuals.

The Reality Check

The truth was Sapna and I were both unhealthy in our own ways. I had no business emotionally dumping on her, and my envy made the dynamic even more toxic.

Her having friends didn't take anything away from me. But depression and unprocessed trauma made it feel that way.

Sign #4: You Obsess Over One Topic Despite People's Discomfort

The Sorority Fixation

During Fall 2003, my interest in joining a sorority grew. I thought if I was part of one, I would finally learn how to be likable and have friends.

I saw sorority girls dressed impeccably with nice outfits, hair done, and makeup on. I wished I could look like them and be like them.

I talked about sorority life constantly with Savannah, who was actually in a sorority, until she finally snapped.

When She Called Me Out

"This is why I get so irritated every time I talk to you! You always talk about sorority life," Savannah exclaimed.

"Oh, I am so sorry! I didn't realize," I said, feeling horrible.

"Nobody really talks about sororities much anymore. I'm about to graduate. Nobody even brings up sorority stuff anymore."

Why This Happens

Autistic people often develop intense interests that we want to discuss constantly. When that interest is tied to social belonging we desperately want, it becomes even more consuming.

I didn't realize I was:

• Bringing it up in every conversation

• Ignoring Savannah's discomfort with the topic

• Making her feel like I only valued her for sorority information

• Being tone-deaf about what was appropriate to discuss

The Impact

Obsessing over one topic:

Makes people feel like you're not interested in them as individuals, only as resources.

Creates irritation and frustration that builds over time until they explode.

Signals poor social awareness that makes people wary of deeper friendship.

Prevents balanced conversations that could actually build connection.

How to Recognize the Pattern

Warning signs you're doing this:

• People change the subject when you bring up your topic

• Someone explicitly tells you to stop talking about it

• You notice yourself steering every conversation back to one thing

• People start avoiding certain topics around you because they know you'll hijack the conversation

Sign #5: You Stand People Up or Cancel Because of Your Mood

The Pattern With Sapna

Sapna and I made plans throughout the semester to hang out on weekends. Most often, I would be stood up.

This was bewildering because she encouraged vulnerable conversations but then wouldn't follow through on plans.

When Depression Controls Your Reliability

Being stood up is toxic behavior. But depression can also make you:

Cancel plans last minute because you can't handle leaving your room.

Not show up because your mood tanked and you couldn't face socializing.

Make commitments you can't keep because you feel better in the moment but crash later.

Flake repeatedly without explanation, leaving people confused and hurt.

Why This Destroys Relationships

Unreliability:

Shows people they can't count on you. Trust is built on consistency.

Wastes their time when they've arranged their schedule around you.

Creates resentment that builds with each cancellation.

Signals that your needs always trump theirs, which isn't sustainable in friendship.

The Missing Piece

I missed the social cue that this wasn't a genuine friendship. Sapna was more of an acquaintance, and I should have recognized that earlier.

But the pattern of unreliability—whether from her, from me, or both—prevented anything deeper from forming.

Sign #6: You Can't Pull Yourself Out of Depression Alone

The Therapist's Impossible Advice

Dr. Theroux kept telling me to "pull myself out of the depression."

I tried so hard. I couldn't do it. I didn't have the skills.

My emotions ate me up every day. I had major crying outbursts when alone. Sometimes tears would well up during class.

Why "Pull Yourself Out" Doesn't Work

Depression isn't a choice. You can't just decide to feel better any more than you can decide to cure a broken leg through positive thinking.

What doesn't work:

• Telling yourself to snap out of it

• Trying harder to be happy

• Forcing yourself to socialize when you're empty inside

• Pretending everything is fine

What's actually needed:

• Deep therapeutic work on root causes, not just surface symptoms

• Processing past trauma that the current situation triggered

• Learning specific skills for emotional regulation and self-compassion

• Sometimes medication to address chemical imbalances

• Time and patience with the healing process

The Childhood Connection

What really needed to be worked on was processing the past and how it affected my present situation. I needed to learn how to heal and how to love myself. I hadn't the first clue how to do that.

The embarrassment and shame from my 21st birthday traced all the way back to childhood:

• Years of rejection and bullying

• Being made to sit alone at events

• Constant social failure and isolation

• Messages that I was unworthy and should be destroyed

You can't "pull yourself out" of depression rooted in decades of trauma without addressing the trauma itself.

What Changed Things

The intense depression lasted the entire Fall 2003 semester. The only times I felt somewhat "normal" were when I hung out with others at bars in The Village, where I felt like part of the group—even if it was just a facade.

Real change didn't come from trying harder. It came from:

• Getting a new start in Spring 2004

• Meeting people like Leslie who asked the right questions

• Learning healthier connection patterns over time

• Eventually doing deeper therapeutic work (though not until much later)

The complete story of struggling with this depression and what eventually helped me move beyond it is detailed in my book. If you're stuck in this pattern, understanding what actually works versus what well-meaning therapists tell you to do can save you years of suffering.

Dropped in a Maze: My Life On The Spectrum

Sign #7: You're Disconnected From Yourself and Your Needs

The Missing Connection

During this time, I was focused entirely on:

• Making friends

• Being accepted

• Learning to be likable

• Looking like the sorority girls

• Having what others had

What I wasn't focused on: myself. Who I actually was. What I actually wanted.

The Void at Graduation

I graduated college feeling a void because I knew I was about to enter a career I didn't have a sincere heart for.

Even though I would've still had social challenges, I believe the edges of loneliness and the overall college experience would've been better if I had listened to my own heart.

That would've meant:

• Exploring psychology or journalism—courses I would've enjoyed

• Taking classes aligned with my interests

• Feeling connected to what I was studying

• Becoming connected to the most important person: myself

Why Self-Disconnection Makes You Toxic

When you're disconnected from yourself:

You can't offer authentic connection because you don't know who you authentically are.

You seek validation externally instead of building internal self-worth.

You try to be what others want rather than discovering what you want.

You create relationships based on need rather than genuine compatibility.

You don't have boundaries because you don't know what you need or value.

The Real Work

The real connection missing was the one I had with myself. All the social skills training in the world won't fix that fundamental disconnection.

True healing requires:

• Learning who you are beyond others' expectations

• Discovering your own interests and passions

• Building self-worth from internal sources

• Honoring your needs, not just accommodating others

• Making choices aligned with your authentic self

How to Stop Being Toxic and Start Healing

Step 1: Recognize You Can't Do This Alone

Stop trying to "pull yourself out of depression" through willpower. You need:

• A therapist trained in trauma who can help you process the root causes

• Support groups with people who understand what you're experiencing

• Possibly medication if depression has a chemical component

• Time and patience with the healing process

Depression rooted in trauma requires professional help, not just positive thinking.

Step 2: Stop Emotional Dumping on Acquaintances

Create clear boundaries about what you share and with whom:

Acquaintances: Surface-level updates, no deep trauma Developing friends: Some challenges, balanced with positive interactions Close friends: Deeper struggles, but still reciprocal and boundaried Therapists: The full weight of trauma and pain

Your pain is your responsibility to heal, not others' to carry.

Step 3: Learn to Sit With Envy Without Acting on It

Envy is a normal human emotion. The problem is when you:

• Let it poison your interactions

• Express it through passive-aggressive comments

• Use it as fuel for resentment

Instead:

• Acknowledge the envy to yourself

• Recognize it's about your pain, not their success

• Use it as information about what you want

• Don't let it leak into the relationship

Step 4: Monitor How Often You Bring Up Your Obsessions

Pay attention to:

• How often you steer conversations to your topic of interest

• Whether people seem uncomfortable or change the subject

• If you're asking about others' lives or just talking about yours

• When someone explicitly tells you to stop

Make a conscious effort to:

• Ask questions about the other person

• Let them lead some conversations

• Notice when you're dominating with one topic

• Diversify what you talk about

Step 5: Be Reliable or Don't Make Plans

If depression makes you unreliable:

Option 1: Only commit to plans when you're reasonably sure you can follow through

Option 2: Be honest about your limitations: "I'd like to make plans, but I'm dealing with depression and might need to cancel. Is that okay with you?"

Option 3: Stick to low-commitment hangouts that don't require advance planning

Don't repeatedly stand people up or cancel last minute. It destroys trust.

Step 6: Process Trauma, Don't Just Manage Symptoms

Surface-level therapy that validates feelings without addressing root causes won't create lasting change.

You need to:

• Process childhood experiences that created current patterns

• Understand how past trauma affects present relationships

• Heal the wounds, not just bandage the symptoms

• Learn new patterns based on self-worth, not desperation

This takes time and the right therapeutic approach.

Step 7: Reconnect With Yourself

Ask yourself questions you've been avoiding:

• What do I actually enjoy?

• What interests me beyond social acceptance?

• What would I study if I weren't trying to please others?

• Who am I when I'm alone?

• What do I value and need?

Build a relationship with yourself before expecting others to have relationships with you.

If you're autistic, Sonia's podcast offers essential guidance on finding ethical mental health support

Key Takeaways for Breaking the Cycle

Toxicity Often Comes From Unprocessed Pain

You're not a bad person for becoming toxic. You're a hurt person who hasn't healed, acting out of that pain in ways that push people away.

Recognizing this is the first step toward change.

Depression Makes Everything Harder

When depression tells you to "just try harder," remember:

• Depression is a liar

• You can't think your way out of clinical depression

• Professional help isn't weakness—it's necessary

• Healing takes time and appropriate treatment

Some Friendships Form Despite Your Struggles

During Spring 2004, healthier friendships started forming:

Leslie arrived as my new roommate and asked insightful questions about my autism diagnosis that showed she understood.

Carrie connected with me on deeper intellectual levels and shared her own healing journey, introducing me to books like The Four Agreements.

These friendships were testament to never giving up on making connections, even when depression made it feel impossible.

The Most Important Connection Is With Yourself

All the social skills in the world won't fix fundamental self-disconnection.

Learning to:

• Know yourself

• Honor your interests

• Make choices aligned with your authentic self

• Build internal self-worth

These are prerequisites for genuine, healthy connections with others.

Ready to learn the complete journey from toxic patterns to healthy friendships? Get a copy of dropped in a Maze today and learn how to break the cycle of toxicity rooted in unprocessed pain.

Moving Forward

The Fall 2003 semester was one of the darkest periods of my life. I became someone I'm not proud of—emotionally dumping on acquaintances, unable to stop talking about pain, envious of others' friendships, obsessing over sororities, and disconnected from my authentic self.

But recognizing these toxic patterns was the beginning of change. Spring 2004 brought new friendships with Leslie and Carrie that showed me what healthy connection could look like.

Eventually, I learned that:

• Emotional dumping isn't the same as authentic sharing

• Depression requires professional help, not just willpower

• Envy reveals what you want, not what others have taken from you

• Obsessions push people away instead of creating connection

• The most important relationship is with yourself

If you're recognizing toxic patterns in yourself right now, know that awareness is the first step. Change is possible. Healing takes time, professional support, and deep work on root causes—but it's absolutely possible.

For the complete story of moving from toxic depression to genuine healing and healthy friendships my book provides everything you need. 

Get your copy today and start your journey from toxicity to authentic connection.

6 Hard Truths About Social Expectations When You're Autistic

You spent weeks planning it. You invited people who seemed interested. You built up this vision in your head of how it would all unfold—the perfect celebration that would finally prove you belonged, that you had friends, that you were just like everyone else.

Then reality hits. One by one, people cancel. The plans fall apart. You end up alone on what was supposed to be your big night, eating fast food by yourself while everyone else celebrates with their tight-knit friend groups.

For autistic people who struggle with social connections, this pattern is painfully familiar. We hear about how others celebrate milestones and assume we can create the same experience. We mistake polite responses for genuine commitment. We build elaborate fantasies to cope with loneliness, then crash when reality refuses to cooperate.

This is about the hard lessons I learned when my 21st birthday became one of the most humiliating experiences of my college years—and what every autistic person needs to understand about the difference between acquaintances and actual friends.

Table of Contents

• Truth #1: Acquaintances Are Not Friends (No Matter How Nice They Seem)

• Truth #2: "Common Courtesy" Responses Don't Mean Commitment

• Truth #3: Your Fantasy Fills the Gap Where Real Friendships Should Be

• Truth #4: You Can't Build a Celebration on Casual Connections

• Truth #5: Oversharing With the Wrong People Damages Your Reputation

• Truth #6: Desperation Pushes People Away Instead of Drawing Them In

• What Actually Builds Real Friendships

• Key Takeaways for Managing Expectations

Truth #1: Acquaintances Are Not Friends (No Matter How Nice They Seem)

The Fundamental Mistake

When I planned my 21st birthday celebration, I invited people I barely knew. I had:

• Taken one class with Savannah over the summer

• Watched TV a handful of times with Tia

• Seen various floormates occasionally in the dorm

These were acquaintances at best. But because I was desperate for friends and they'd been polite to me, I convinced myself they were close enough to celebrate my birthday.

Understanding the Difference

Acquaintances:

• People you see regularly in shared spaces

• Classmates you chat with before or after class

• Neighbors you exchange pleasantries with

• Colleagues you make small talk with

Friends:

• People who actively seek out your company

• Individuals you've spent significant one-on-one time with

• Those who share personal information reciprocally

• People who reach out to you, not just respond when you reach out

Why Autistic People Confuse the Two

Autistic people often struggle to distinguish acquaintances from friends because:

Limited social experience means we lack the pattern recognition that helps neurotypical people gauge relationship depth.

Literal thinking makes us take polite responses at face value rather than reading between the lines.

Desperate for connection causes us to elevate any positive interaction into potential friendship.

Difficulty reading social cues prevents us from noticing when someone is being polite versus genuinely interested.

The Reality Check

Most of the people I invited weren't spending time with me outside of class or casual dorm encounters. They hadn't invited me to their events. They didn't text or call me to hang out.

These weren't friends. They were people who knew my name and were polite when they saw me.

Expecting them to celebrate my birthday was asking for a level of emotional investment they'd never demonstrated.

Truth #2: "Common Courtesy" Responses Don't Mean Commitment

What People Actually Mean

When I told people about my birthday plans over the summer, many said things like:

• "That sounds fun!"

• "I'd be up for that"

• "Yeah, maybe I'll come"

• "We'll see what happens"

I took these responses as commitments. They were actually polite ways of saying "maybe" or even "probably not."

The Polite Response Trap

Neurotypical people use vague, noncommittal language as social lubrication. When they say "I'd be up for celebrating," they often mean:

• "That's a nice idea but I'm not committing"

• "I'll come if I don't have anything better to do"

• "I'm being polite but don't actually plan to attend"

• "I'm leaving myself an easy out"

What Actual Commitment Sounds Like

Compare those vague responses to what actual commitment looks like:

• "Yes, I'll be there! What time should I meet you?"

• "I'm definitely coming. Should I invite anyone else?"

• "I've marked it on my calendar. Looking forward to it!"

• "I'll make sure I'm free that night"

Notice the difference? Real commitment is specific, enthusiastic, and action-oriented.

Why This Matters for Autistic People

Autistic people tend to communicate directly and honestly. When we say we'll do something, we mean it. We assume others operate the same way.

This creates painful misunderstandings when we take polite, non-committal responses as genuine promises.

Sonia's podcast is a must-listen resource for autistic individuals seeking affirming mental health care - tune in here.

Truth #3: Your Fantasy Fills the Gap Where Real Friendships Should Be

Building the Story in Your Head

Throughout the summer, I constructed an elaborate vision of my 21st birthday:

• Group dinner at the Italian restaurant downtown

• Everyone going to bars together afterward

• Celebrating with friends who cared about me

• Finally feeling like I "arrived" and belonged

This fantasy became more real to me than actual reality. I replayed it in my mind constantly, adding details, imagining conversations, picturing the whole evening.

Why We Build Fantasies

Fantasy serves important psychological functions when you're lonely:

It provides hope that things will eventually get better and you'll find your people.

It creates temporary relief from the pain of current isolation.

It offers control over an imagined scenario when real relationships feel impossible to build.

It fills the void where genuine connections should exist.

The Danger of Living in Fantasy

The problem with elaborate fantasies is they:

Set unrealistic expectations that reality can't possibly meet.

Prevent you from seeing the actual state of your relationships clearly.

Increase devastation when the fantasy inevitably crumbles.

Distract from building real connections by providing imaginary ones.

The Crash

When the fantasy bubble burst—when people canceled one after another, when Tia said "I'll only come if I feel like it," when Nadia had to work—the emotional crash was severe.

I cried every day the week of my birthday. The anxiety built to the point where I could barely eat. The cortisol in my stomach made me physically ill.

The gap between fantasy and reality was so extreme that it felt like trauma.

Dropped in a Maze: My Life On The Spectrum

Truth #4: You Can't Build a Celebration on Casual Connections

The Foundation Problem

Imagine trying to build a house on sand. No matter how well you design it, the foundation won't support the structure. The same applies to celebrations built on casual acquaintanceships.

What I Did Wrong

I made several critical errors:

I invited people I barely knew to an intimate celebration that requires close friendships.

I assumed their politeness meant closeness when it just meant they had good manners.

I didn't have established patterns of hanging out with these people outside structured activities.

I expected them to prioritize my event when they had no emotional investment in me.

What Milestones Actually Require

Celebrating major milestones like 21st birthdays requires:

• Close friends who genuinely care about you

• Established relationships with regular contact and reciprocal investment

• People who seek you out, not just respond when you reach out

• Mutual emotional investment built over time through shared experiences

You can't manufacture this foundation in a few weeks or months of casual contact.

The Alternative Approach

Instead of planning an elaborate celebration with acquaintances, I could have:

• Celebrated with family who genuinely cared

• Done something meaningful alone or with one close person

• Acknowledged I didn't yet have the friend group for the celebration I wanted

• Set a goal to build those friendships before the next milestone

This would have been emotionally difficult but far less devastating than watching an elaborate fantasy crumble.

Truth #5: Oversharing With the Wrong People Damages Your Reputation

What I Shared (That I Shouldn't Have)

According to my floormate Ankita, I had damaged my reputation by sharing personal information with people who weren't close friends:

• Talking about having a crush on someone who didn't like me back

• Mentioning I'd never been kissed

• Sharing personal struggles with people I barely knew

Why This Matters

Information you share gets used in ways you can't control:

It becomes gossip that spreads through social networks.

It gives people ammunition to mock or judge you.

It makes others uncomfortable when shared prematurely in relationships.

It signals poor social boundaries, which makes people wary of getting closer.

The Oversharing Trap for Autistic People

Autistic people often overshare because:

We struggle to gauge relationship depth and don't know what's appropriate to share at different stages.

We're honest and straightforward by nature and assume others will be too.

We're desperate to connect and use personal disclosure to create intimacy quickly.

We don't realize information spreads and gets used against us.

What Appropriate Sharing Looks Like

Information should be shared gradually as relationships deepen:

Early stage (acquaintances):

• Surface-level topics: classes, weather, general interests

• Safe small talk that doesn't reveal vulnerabilities

Developing friendship:

• Some personal preferences and opinions

• Stories about experiences that don't involve deep emotions

• Interests and hobbies in more detail

Close friendship:

• Personal struggles and challenges

• Romantic interests and rejections

• Deeper emotional experiences

• Vulnerabilities and insecurities

Sharing deep personal information with acquaintances creates discomfort and damages how people perceive you.

In my book, I provide detailed guidance on what's appropriate to share at different relationship stages and how to recognize when you're oversharing before it damages your reputation further.

Dropped in a Maze: My Life On The Spectrum

Truth #6: Desperation Pushes People Away Instead of Drawing Them In

The Anxiety Spiral

As my birthday approached and people started canceling, my anxiety skyrocketed. I:

• Reminded people constantly about the celebration

• Felt physically ill from stress and cortisol buildup

• Could barely eat or concentrate on anything else

• Became increasingly frantic about making the fantasy happen

Why Desperation Repels

Desperation creates discomfort in others because:

It signals neediness that feels overwhelming to people who barely know you.

It creates pressure to fulfill expectations they never agreed to.

It makes them feel guilty for not caring as much as you want them to.

It highlights the imbalance in how you view the relationship versus how they view it.

The Therapist's Warning

My therapist, Dr. Theroux, tried to warn me: "Remember, Sonia, people don't like to keep hearing about the same thing again and again. Do your best to stay in the present."

She recognized I was becoming overeager and overexcited—classic signs of desperation that turn people off.

What Confidence Looks Like Instead

Confidence in social situations means:

• Having plans but not being attached to specific people showing up

• Being okay if people decline without taking it personally

• Not reminding people repeatedly about your event

• Having backup plans that don't depend on others' participation

• Maintaining emotional stability regardless of who attends

This is incredibly difficult when you're lonely and desperate for connection. But desperation has the opposite effect of what you want—it pushes people away instead of drawing them in.

The Devastating Reality

The day of my 21st birthday, the last pieces fell apart:

• Leila wasn't feeling well and couldn't come

• Phaedra was eating dinner earlier than I could join

• Nadia had to work and was told not to encourage alcohol consumption

• Savannah had a mandatory sorority meeting

I ended up alone at a fast-food restaurant eating a fish sandwich and chocolate shake for my birthday dinner.

What Actually Builds Real Friendships

The Brutal Truth I Had to Learn

You can't force friendships into existence by planning elaborate events. Real friendships develop through:

Consistent, low-key contact over extended time periods.

Reciprocal effort where both people initiate and invest equally.

Shared experiences that happen organically, not through forced celebrations.

Gradual deepening of trust and emotional intimacy.

Natural compatibility that can't be manufactured through willpower.

What I Should Have Done Instead

Rather than planning an elaborate 21st birthday with acquaintances, I should have:

Focused on building one or two deeper friendships through regular, consistent contact.

Accepted my current social reality instead of trying to force it to match others' experiences.

Celebrated modestly in ways that matched my actual relationship status.

Used the milestone as motivation to build genuine friendships over the coming year, not as a deadline to manufacture them.

Worked with my therapist on realistic relationship-building strategies instead of fantasy fulfillment.

The Skills I Lacked

Ankita pointed out important skills I needed:

How to help a friend in need - When she hurt her foot and I rushed past to my exam, I should have said: "I'm so sorry you aren't feeling well. Is there anything I can do? I have an exam I need to rush to at the moment."

Understanding boundaries - Both my own and others', recognizing what's appropriate to share and when.

Standing up for myself - Which I was learning with Janet but needed to extend to other relationships.

Reading social situations - Understanding when someone is genuinely interested versus being polite.

These skills can't be learned overnight. They require practice, feedback, and often professional guidance.

Key Takeaways for Managing Expectations

Adjust Expectations to Match Reality

The most painful part of my 21st birthday wasn't being alone—it was the enormous gap between what I expected and what happened.

If I'd recognized that I had acquaintances, not friends, I could have:

• Celebrated with family instead

• Had modest plans that matched my social reality

• Avoided the devastating crash when fantasy met reality

Quality Matters More Than Quantity

Stop measuring social success by:

• Size of celebration

• Number of people who attend your events

• How your milestones compare to others' experiences

Start measuring it by:

• Depth of a few genuine connections

• Reciprocal investment in relationships

• Quality of interactions, not quantity

Build Friendships Before Planning Celebrations

Celebrations are the result of established friendships, not the catalyst for creating them.

Before planning group events, ask:

• Do these people regularly spend time with me outside structured settings?

• Have they invited me to their events?

• Is there reciprocal effort in maintaining contact?

• Would they notice if I disappeared from their lives?

If the answers are no, you're dealing with acquaintances who won't show up for celebrations.

Learn From Each Painful Experience

My 21st birthday was humiliating. Eating that fish sandwich alone while imagining others celebrating with their friend groups felt like rock bottom.

But it taught me critical lessons:

• Fantasy doesn't create reality

• Desperation pushes people away

• You can't force friendships on your timeline

• Acquaintances won't show up like friends do

These lessons, painful as they were, eventually helped me build genuine friendships by adjusting my approach.

Protect Yourself From Repeated Devastation

If you keep experiencing this pattern:

• Work with a therapist on realistic relationship-building

• Learn to distinguish polite responses from actual commitments

• Stop building elaborate fantasies to cope with loneliness

• Focus on one or two potential friends at a time

• Accept that building genuine friendships takes years, not weeks

Ready to learn the complete story of my 21st birthday disaster and what I eventually learned about building real friendships instead of manufacturing fake ones? My book provides the full account, get your copy today.

Moving Forward

The night didn't end with the fish sandwich. I eventually went to the bar where my roommate was celebrating with her friends. I got lost in the sensory overload—the lights, the music, the crowds. My roommate kept telling me to drink more. I wanted to forget the harsh reality through alcohol.

I heard the DJ announce other people's birthdays over the stereo. Each announcement felt like a bee sting—a reminder that other people had the tight friend groups celebrating them that I desperately wanted but didn't have.

That night crystallized a brutal truth: you can't drink away loneliness. You can't force friendships through elaborate planning. You can't manufacture belonging through sheer determination.

What you can do is learn from the devastation, adjust your approach, and slowly build the genuine connections that eventually replace the fantasy.

For the complete journey from devastating birthday disasters to eventually building real friendships—including all the mistakes I made, lessons I learned, and strategies that actually worked—my book provides everything you need to stop repeating this painful pattern. 

Get your copy today and learn how to build realistic expectations that protect you from crushing disappointment.

5 Reasons Why Your Gut Knows Before Your Brain Does (And How to Finally Trust It)

Have you ever had a bad feeling about something but talked yourself out of it? Ignored the warning signs because you thought you were being paranoid? Agreed to plans that made your stomach turn because you didn't want to seem rude or difficult?

Your gut was screaming at you to say no. But your brain—trained by years of people-pleasing, low self-esteem, and desperate need for acceptance—overruled it.

For autistic people and anyone who's spent years being rejected or told they're "too sensitive," learning to trust your gut instinct feels nearly impossible. We've been conditioned to doubt ourselves, to assume our discomfort is our problem to fix, to override our internal warning system in favor of what others expect from us.

But here's what I learned the hard way: your gut knows things your brain hasn't processed yet. It picks up on patterns, energy shifts, and danger signals that your conscious mind hasn't caught up to. And when you consistently ignore it to please others or avoid conflict, you end up in situations that harm you.

Table of Contents

• Reason #1: Your Gut Recognizes Patterns Your Brain Hasn't Named Yet

• Reason #2: Your Body Responds to Energy Before Your Mind Analyzes It

• Reason #3: Low Self-Esteem Convinces You to Ignore Warning Signals

• Reason #4: People-Pleasing Overrides Self-Protection

• Reason #5: Your Gut Protects You From What You Can't Yet Articulate

• How to Start Trusting Your Gut Instinct

• Key Takeaways for Building Self-Trust

Reason #1: Your Gut Recognizes Patterns Your Brain Hasn't Named Yet

The Week of Bad Feelings

When Janet asked to come over and stay the night, something inside me immediately screamed "no." It wasn't logical. I couldn't point to a specific reason. But my gut was screaming: "Cancel your plans now!"

All week leading up to that Friday, the bad feeling intensified. It wasn't anxiety about hosting or nervousness about having company. It was a visceral warning that something was wrong.

Why Your Gut Knows First

Your gut instinct operates on pattern recognition that happens below conscious awareness. It processes:

Past experiences with this person Every snippy comment, every backhanded compliment, every time they made you feel small—your gut remembers even when your brain tries to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Behavioral patterns Your gut notices consistency. If someone consistently makes you feel bad, your gut expects more of the same—even if your brain hopes "this time will be different."

Energy shifts Changes in how someone interacts with you register in your body before your brain consciously processes them. Your gut noticed Janet wasn't in a good mood before she even articulated it.

Danger signals Your nervous system is wired for survival. When it detects threat patterns—even emotional or social threats—it sends warning signals through physical sensations.

What Happens When You Ignore It

I knew my gut was right. But my low self-esteem and self-doubt overruled the warning. I said "yes" when everything inside me was screaming "no."

The result? Exactly what my gut predicted:

• Janet showed up in a bad mood

• She made snippy, demanding comments

• She picked a fight over breakfast

• She stormed out like a child having a tantrum

My gut knew. I just didn't trust it yet. Trusting your gut can lead to life-changing self-discovery, including recognizing the autism signs that often go unnoticed in young adults.

Reason #2: Your Body Responds to Energy Before Your Mind Analyzes It

The Physical Warning System

When you have a "bad feeling" about something, it's not just emotional—it's physical. Your body is responding to information your conscious mind hasn't processed yet.

Common physical gut reactions include:

• Stomach tightening or nausea

• Chest heaviness or tightness

• Jaw clenching or teeth grinding

• Shoulders tensing up

• Heart rate increasing

• Feeling suddenly drained or exhausted

• An urge to leave or create distance

Why This Happens

Your nervous system picks up on:

Micro-expressions and body language Even if you struggle with reading faces (common for autistic people), your subconscious registers micro-expressions, tone shifts, and body language that signal hostility, insincerity, or danger.

Tone and vocal patterns The way someone says something carries more information than the words themselves. Your gut hears the edge in someone's voice before your brain consciously recognizes they're being passive-aggressive.

Environmental stress When someone brings negative energy into your space, your body responds to the shift in atmosphere. You feel it physically before you can name it.

Incongruence When someone's words don't match their energy, your gut knows something is off. Janet might have asked to come over in a friendly way, but the energy behind it wasn't friendly—and my body knew.

The Autistic Experience

Many autistic people are told they're "too sensitive" or "reading too much into things." But often, we're picking up real information through sensory and energetic channels that neurotypical people dismiss.

Learning to honor these physical responses instead of dismissing them is crucial for self-protection.

In my book, I detail the complete weekend with Janet and how my body was trying to protect me at every step. Learning to recognize and honor these physical warning signals transformed my ability to protect myself from toxic people and situations.

Reason #3: Low Self-Esteem Convinces You to Ignore Warning Signals

The Internal Battle

When my gut screamed "cancel your plans," my low self-esteem fought back with powerful counter-arguments:

• "You're being paranoid"

• "Give her a chance"

• "You're too sensitive"

• "You're lucky anyone wants to spend time with you"

• "Don't be difficult"

• "What if you're wrong?"

Low self-esteem convinced me that my gut feeling was the problem, not Janet's behavior.

Also, as an autistic person, you'll find valuable insights in Sonia's podcast about navigating mental health care and trusting your gut.

How Low Self-Esteem Sabotages Intuition

It makes you second-guess yourself When you don't trust yourself in general, you don't trust your instincts about specific situations.

It prioritizes others' comfort over your safety Low self-esteem teaches you that other people's feelings matter more than your own boundaries and wellbeing.

It reframes warning signals as character flaws Instead of "this person makes me uncomfortable," low self-esteem says "I'm uncomfortable because something is wrong with me."

It creates fear of being seen as difficult You'd rather endure a bad situation than risk being perceived as rude, picky, or high-maintenance.

It convinces you that you deserve poor treatment Years of rejection and bullying create a belief that toxic behavior is what you should expect and accept.

The Cost of Self-Doubt

By doubting my gut and saying yes to Janet's visit, I:

• Spent a week with escalating anxiety

• Endured a miserable Friday night

• Got into a fight over breakfast

• Had to deal with her tantrum and dramatic exit

All of this could have been avoided if I'd trusted that bad feeling and said "I'm not available that night."

Breaking the Pattern

Learning to trust your gut requires rebuilding self-esteem so that your inner voice becomes stronger than others' expectations.

This means practicing:

• Valuing your comfort as much as others' comfort

• Recognizing that "no" is a complete sentence

• Understanding that protecting yourself isn't being difficult

• Believing your feelings are valid data, not character flaws

Dropped in a Maze: My Life On The Spectrum

Reason #4: People-Pleasing Overrides Self-Protection

The "I Didn't Know How to Say No" Problem

When Janet asked to stay over, I immediately knew I didn't want her to. But I said "Sure" anyway.

Why? Because I didn't know how to say no.

Not because I literally didn't know the word exists. But because years of conditioning had taught me that:

• Saying no makes you selfish

• Declining invitations means you're unfriendly

• Setting boundaries means you're difficult

• Protecting yourself means you're rude

The People-Pleasing Trap

People-pleasing is particularly common among:

Autistic people We're often taught from childhood that our natural responses are "wrong" and we need to accommodate neurotypical expectations, even at our own expense.

People with trauma histories Bullying, rejection, and social isolation create hypervigilance about others' reactions. We learn to prioritize keeping others happy to avoid further rejection.

Women and people socialized as women Societal conditioning teaches that being agreeable, accommodating, and pleasant is more important than honoring your own needs and boundaries.

Anyone with low self-worth When you don't value yourself, you treat others' preferences as more important than your own wellbeing.

The Physical Toll

People-pleasing doesn't just create bad social situations—it creates physical and emotional stress:

• Chronic anxiety from ignoring your needs

• Resentment that builds toward others

• Exhaustion from constantly performing

• Difficulty identifying what you actually want

• Erosion of self-trust over time

What Changed Everything

When Janet stormed out over the breakfast misunderstanding, I didn't feel sad—I felt relieved. And then I felt proud.

I had finally stood up for myself. I had spoken my mind. I had stopped accommodating unreasonable behavior.

Instead of feeling guilty or chasing after her to apologize, I celebrated. I treated myself to a nice meal. I honored the fact that I had finally prioritized my own wellbeing over someone else's mood.

The complete story of ending this toxic friendship and what I learned about setting boundaries is detailed in my book. These lessons about people-pleasing versus self-protection changed every relationship I had going forward.

Reason #5: Your Gut Protects You From What You Can't Yet Articulate

The Thing About Gut Feelings

Gut feelings are frustrating because they often can't be explained logically. You just know something is off, but you can't always point to concrete evidence.

This makes them easy to dismiss, especially for autistic people who are used to wanting clear, logical explanations for everything.

What Your Gut Knows

Your gut processes information that your conscious mind hasn't caught up to yet:

Emotional patterns Janet had been consistently dismissive, critical, and condescending. My gut knew this pattern would continue. My brain hoped it wouldn't.

Power dynamics My gut recognized that Janet saw me as someone she could use as a punching bag. My brain wanted to believe she was my friend.

Incompatibility Deep down, I knew Janet and I weren't compatible as friends. My gut was trying to protect me from continuing an unhealthy relationship.

Future consequences Some part of me knew that if I said yes to this visit, I'd regret it. My gut was trying to save me from that outcome.

The Gift of Hindsight

Looking back, every bad feeling I had was correct:

• The week of increasing dread? Accurate prediction of how the visit would go.

• The sense that I should cancel? Exactly right.

• The physical discomfort? Warning that this person brought toxic energy.

• The relief when she left? Confirmation that my gut had been protecting me all along.

Why We Ignore It Anyway

Even when gut feelings prove accurate again and again, we still ignore them because:

We're taught to prioritize logic over feeling "That's not a good enough reason" dismisses intuition as invalid.

We fear being wrong What if you say no and miss out on something good? (Spoiler: Your gut is rarely wrong about danger.)

We've been gaslit When people tell you you're "too sensitive" or "overthinking," you learn to distrust your perceptions.

We want to be accommodating Especially for autistic people who've been told we're "difficult," we overcompensate by being overly flexible with others.

Learning to Listen

The turning point came when I finally honored my gut:

When Janet stormed out, I didn't chase her. I didn't call to apologize. I didn't try to fix it.

I celebrated getting rid of someone who treated me poorly.

That moment taught me: My gut was protecting me. I just needed to start listening.

How to Start Trusting Your Gut Instinct

Step 1: Notice Physical Sensations

Start paying attention to how your body responds to:

• Specific people

• Social invitations

• Requests for your time or energy

• Situations that make you uncomfortable

Common gut signals:

• Stomach tightening

• Chest heaviness

• Sudden fatigue

• Jaw clenching

• Desire to leave or create distance

Don't dismiss these as "just anxiety." They're information.

Step 2: Track Patterns

Keep a journal of:

• When you had a bad feeling about something

• Whether you honored it or ignored it

• What actually happened

Over time, you'll see that your gut is usually right. This builds trust in your instincts.

Ready to learn the complete story of how trusting my gut transformed my college experience and beyond? My book details the full journey from people-pleasing to self-protection, including specific strategies for distinguishing anxiety from intuition and building the self-trust that changes everything. 

Get your copy today.

Dropped in a Maze: My Life On The Spectrum

Step 3: Practice Small Nos

Start with low-stakes situations:

• "I'm not available that day"

• "That doesn't work for me"

• "I need to think about it"

• "I'm going to pass this time"

Notice that saying no doesn't create the catastrophes you fear. This builds confidence in setting boundaries.

Step 4: Challenge the Voice of Self-Doubt

When you have a gut feeling and self-doubt tries to override it, ask:

• "What if my gut is right and self-doubt is wrong?"

• "What's the worst that happens if I honor this feeling?"

• "Am I prioritizing someone else's comfort over my safety?"

• "Would I give this advice to a friend in the same situation?"

Step 5: Separate Anxiety From Intuition

This is tricky, especially for people with anxiety disorders. Here's a general guide:

Anxiety:

• Spirals and catastrophizes

• Creates "what if" scenarios about the future

• Feels chaotic and overwhelming

• Isn't connected to specific present-moment information

Intuition:

• Is calm and clear (even if uncomfortable)

• Focuses on present-moment data

• Provides specific direction ("don't do this")

• Feels grounded in your body

Both can create physical sensations, but intuition feels more like information while anxiety feels like panic.

Step 6: Honor the Gut Feeling Even Without Evidence

You don't need to justify your gut feelings with concrete evidence. "This doesn't feel right" is sufficient reason to:

• Decline an invitation

• Leave a situation

• End a relationship

• Change your mind

You're allowed to protect yourself based on instinct, not just provable facts.

Step 7: Celebrate When You're Right

Every time you honor your gut and it proves correct, acknowledge it:

"I knew that person wasn't trustworthy and I was right." "I didn't want to go and I'm glad I didn't." "My gut told me to leave and that was the right call."

This positive reinforcement strengthens the connection between gut feelings and action.

Key Takeaways for Building Self-Trust

Your Gut Deserves Respect

After years of being told we're "too sensitive" or "overthinking," autistic people and trauma survivors often dismiss our instincts as invalid.

But your gut reactions are:

• Valid data about your environment

• Protection mechanisms that evolved to keep you safe

• Information your subconscious processed before your conscious mind caught up

They deserve to be honored, not overridden.

Liberation Comes From Self-Protection

When I finally stood up to Janet and felt relief instead of guilt, everything changed. That summer became one of the most liberating periods of my life because I:

• Eliminated toxic people

• Started meeting new friends

• Built confidence in my judgment

• Learned that protecting myself felt good, not selfish

The liberation didn't come from having more friends. It came from trusting myself enough to say no to people who treated me poorly.

Low Self-Esteem Is Your Gut's Biggest Enemy

The biggest obstacle to trusting your gut isn't lack of intuition—it's low self-esteem convincing you that:

• Your feelings don't matter

• Others' comfort is more important than yours

• You should be grateful for any social connection

• Protecting yourself makes you difficult

Building self-esteem doesn't just make you feel better—it allows you to finally hear the wisdom your gut has been offering all along.

People-Pleasing Puts You in Danger

Every time you override your gut to please someone else, you:

• Teach yourself that your needs don't matter

• Put yourself in situations that harm you

• Reinforce the pattern of self-abandonment

• Weaken your ability to trust future gut feelings

Breaking the people-pleasing pattern is essential for self-protection.

"No" Is Protection, Not Rejection

Saying no when your gut screams at you isn't:

• Being mean

• Being difficult

• Being antisocial

• Missing out on opportunities

It's:

• Honoring your needs

• Protecting your energy

• Respecting your boundaries

• Practicing self-care

The right people will respect your boundaries. The wrong people will prove your gut right by getting angry when you set them.

Ready to learn the complete story of how trusting my gut transformed my college experience and beyond? My book details the full journey from people-pleasing to self-protection, including specific strategies for distinguishing anxiety from intuition and building the self-trust that changes everything. 

Get your copy of Dropped in a Maze: My Life On The Spectrum today.

Moving Forward

That summer when I finally trusted my gut and ended the friendship with Janet, everything shifted. I made new friends—Savannah from my Middle Eastern History class, Tia the international student from Brazil—who treated me with genuine kindness.

My confidence built. I started working out at the gym, feeling good in my clothes, and looking forward to what was coming next. I felt hopeful and happy.

None of that would have been possible if I'd continued ignoring my gut and tolerating toxic people.

Your gut is always trying to protect you. The question is: will you finally start listening?

The next time you get that sinking feeling, that tightness in your stomach, that voice saying "something is off"—trust it. Even if you can't explain it logically. Even if it means disappointing someone. Even if it makes you seem difficult.

Your gut knows. It's been trying to tell you. It's time to start believing it.

For the complete journey from self-doubt to self-trust, including detailed accounts of learning to set boundaries, eliminate toxic relationships, and build genuine confidence—get my book today. 

7 Signs Someone Isn't Really Your Friend (Lessons from College Life on the Autism Spectrum)

College is supposed to be where you find your people. Where lifelong friendships form over late-night study sessions and shared experiences. Where you finally escape the social hierarchy of high school and start fresh.

But what if you can't tell who's genuinely interested in being your friend versus who's just being polite? What if you're so desperate for connection that you miss obvious red flags? What if the people you think are your friends are actually talking about you behind your back?

As a newly diagnosed autistic college student navigating a campus of 40,000 people, I learned these lessons the hard way. The social confusion didn't end with my diagnosis—in some ways, it got harder because I was now hyperaware of my differences while still lacking the skills to navigate complex social dynamics.

If you're autistic, socially isolated, or simply struggling to distinguish genuine friendship from fake niceness, these warning signs will help you protect yourself from people who don't have your best interests at heart.

Table of Contents

• Sign #1: They Only Compliment You With Backhanded Comments

• Sign #2: They Dismiss Your Problems While Claiming to Support You

• Sign #3: They're Nice to Your Face But Talk Behind Your Back

• Sign #4: They Give You Contradictory or Harmful Advice

• Sign #5: They Make You Feel Compared and "Less Than"

• Sign #6: They Tell You That You Make Them Uncomfortable

• Sign #7: They Keep You Around Out of Obligation, Not Genuine Interest

• How to Spot Genuine Friendship

• Key Takeaways for Autistic People Navigating Friendships

Sign #1: They Only Compliment You With Backhanded Comments

What a Backhanded Compliment Looks Like

A backhanded compliment appears positive on the surface but contains a hidden insult or criticism. It's praise that makes you feel worse, not better.

My "friend" Janet was a master of this technique:

"You're very intelligent, but you shouldn't need other people to tell you that."

I never asked for the compliment, yet she managed to turn it into criticism about my supposed need for validation.

Why This Is a Red Flag

Real friends celebrate your strengths without adding conditions or criticisms. They don't use compliments as vehicles for putting you down.

Backhanded compliments serve several purposes for fake friends:

They maintain superiority. By adding criticism to praise, they position themselves as the one who "sees clearly" while you remain flawed.

They keep you insecure. You can't fully enjoy the compliment because it's paired with something negative, keeping you off-balance and seeking their approval.

They appear nice to others. If called out, they can point to the "compliment" part and claim you're being too sensitive about the criticism.

Common Backhanded Compliments to Watch For

• "You're so brave to wear that"

• "You're pretty for someone who..."

• "You're smart, but you lack common sense"

• "That's a great idea, considering you don't have experience"

• "You're doing better than I expected"

What Genuine Compliments Sound Like

Real friends give straightforward praise without qualifiers:

• "You're really intelligent"

• "I love that outfit on you"

• "That was a brilliant idea"

• "You did amazing on that project"

If someone consistently packages compliments with criticism, they're not your friend—they're your critic.

Sign #2: They Dismiss Your Problems While Claiming to Support You

The "I'm Here for You" Lie

Janet loved to position herself as my supportive friend. But when I actually needed support, her response revealed her true feelings.

When I was hurt that my friend Alisha hadn't responded to my emails, I called Janet for perspective. She started kindly: "I'm so sorry to hear that Alisha did that to you. You don't deserve to be treated that way."

Then she dropped the bomb.

"The problem with you is that you only like pretty people with long black hair as your friends. Alisha was beautiful, thin, and everything you wanted to be. That's why you wanted her to be your friend. But you don't consider me a friend, and I'm here for you, always. This is some shit. This is really some shit."

The Pattern of Fake Support

Fake friends follow a predictable pattern:

Step 1: Express initial sympathy to appear supportive Step 2: Pivot to criticizing you instead of the situation Step 3: Make the problem about themselves and what you're not giving them Step 4: Leave you feeling worse than before you shared

Why They Do This

People who dismiss your problems while claiming to support you are often:

Jealous. Your other friendships threaten them because they want to be your only source of support (and control).

Resentful. They feel you owe them something for "putting up with you" and use your vulnerable moments to extract payment.

Competitive. They see your pain as an opportunity to position themselves as superior or more valued.

Manipulative. They keep you emotionally dependent by being the only person you feel you can turn to, then make you feel guilty for needing support.

What Real Support Looks Like

When I learned that Alisha's father had undergone major cardiac surgery, I felt terrible for jumping to conclusions. My therapist, Dr. Theroux, had helped me see other possibilities before assuming rejection.

Real support involves:

• Asking questions before making judgments

• Offering alternative perspectives

• Validating your feelings while helping you see the full picture

• Not making your problem about themselves

So if you are feeling unsure about a friendship? Your gut might be protecting you - read about why your gut knows before your brain does and how to trust it.

Sign #3: They're Nice to Your Face But Talk Behind Your Back

The Double Life

One of my floormates organized group events and invited me to dinner and Valentine's Day activities. She seemed friendly and interested in getting to know me.

Later in the semester, she admitted to my face: "You make people feel really uncomfortable. You make me feel very uncomfortable."

This was the same person who'd been smiling at me, inviting me to events, and acting like we were friends. Behind my back, she was telling people how "repulsed" she was by me.

Why Autistic People Are Vulnerable to This

Autistic people often struggle to detect:

Fake enthusiasm. We take people at face value. If someone acts friendly, we believe they're being friendly.

Social performance. We don't realize that some people maintain pleasant facades while harboring completely different feelings.

Group dynamics. We miss when someone is including us for appearances while simultaneously mocking us to others.

Subtle cues. The microexpressions, tone shifts, and body language that signal insincerity fly under our radar.

Warning Signs Someone Is Two-Faced

• Others warn you that people are "laughing at you" without specifics

• You're included in group activities but never invited to smaller hangouts

• People seem friendly individually but ignore you in groups

• You hear through others that someone has been talking about you

• Someone's behavior toward you changes drastically depending on who else is present

The "Common Courtesy" Trap

Janet once screamed at me: "People who meet you are only acting out of common courtesy, something learned at home. Not everybody who is nice to you is trying to be your friend."

This was actually valuable information buried in a toxic delivery. Many autistic people mistake politeness for friendship because:

• We don't have extensive experience distinguishing the two

• We're desperate for connection after years of isolation

• We take social interactions at face value

• We assume good intentions because that's how we operate

How to Protect Yourself

• Don't share personal information with people you just met

• Watch for consistency over time—do actions match words?

• Notice if invitations are genuine or performative

• Trust people who warn you about others talking behind your back

• Remember that silence in group settings often means agreement with gossip

Sign #4: They Give You Contradictory or Harmful Advice

When "Help" Makes Things Worse

After Janet dismissed Alisha's family emergency—"Then what is the mother there for? To sit and look pretty?! Bullshit!!"—I realized her advice was designed to isolate me from other friendships.

She wanted to be my only friend so she could continue using me as an emotional punching bag.

The Advice Test

Good advice helps you. Bad advice serves the advice-giver's interests.

When evaluating advice from a supposed friend, ask:

Does this advice help me or them? If following the advice would make you more dependent on them or isolated from others, it's not good advice.

Is this advice realistic? "Just be confident" isn't actionable advice. "Practice one conversation starter this week" is.

Does this advice consider my situation? Generic advice that ignores your autism, social challenges, or specific circumstances isn't helpful.

Do I feel worse after receiving this advice? Real support leaves you feeling encouraged or clearer. Fake support leaves you confused and deflated.

The Danger of Contradictory Advice

Janet told me different things at different times:

• "You think everybody is your friend" (criticizing me for being too trusting)

• "You don't consider me a friend" (criticizing me for not valuing her enough)

This kept me off-balance, never sure what I was doing wrong, always trying to please her.

What Good Advice Sounds Like

My therapist, Dr. Theroux, offered helpful guidance:

"Instead of jumping to conclusions, why don't you first find out what's happening with Alisha? Maybe send her an email."

She helped me:

• Challenge my all-or-nothing thinking

• Consider alternative explanations

• Take action based on facts, not assumptions

• Communicate directly rather than spiraling

The difference between helpful therapeutic guidance and toxic friendship advice is night and day. In my book, I share how working with Dr. Theroux taught me to recognize when advice was actually helpful versus when it was designed to control me.

Get a copy of Dropped in a Maze: My Life On The Spectrum to understand how to navigate friendships

Get a copy of Dropped in a Maze: My Life On The Spectrum

Sign #5: They Make You Feel Compared and "Less Than"

The Constant Comparisons

My roommate Tracy told me: "Part of making friends is knowing who you are and what you stand for. People don't come talk to you much because they don't see the confidence in you and a person who knows who she is; whereas, people love to come to talk to me and others because we know who we are."

Every conversation left me feeling like I didn't measure up to her social success.

Why Comparisons Are Harmful

Real friends don't:

• Constantly point out your deficits compared to them

• Make their social success a benchmark for your failure

• Position themselves as the standard you should aspire to

• Use your differences to elevate themselves

The "You Should Know By Now" Trap

Tracy would say things like: "You should know how to read people by now. You are in college."

This assumes everyone develops social skills on the same timeline, ignoring that:

• Autistic people develop social skills differently and later

• Not having friends growing up means less practice with friendships

• College isn't a magic cure for years of social isolation

• Shaming someone for not knowing something doesn't teach them

What Supportive Friends Do Instead

Supportive friends:

• Meet you where you are without judgment

• Offer specific help rather than vague criticism

• Share their knowledge without implying you're behind

• Celebrate your progress instead of comparing you to others

When someone constantly makes you feel inferior, they're not trying to help you improve—they're trying to feel superior.

Sign #6: They Tell You That You Make Them Uncomfortable

The Uncomfortable Confession

Lucy, who'd invited me to multiple floor events, eventually told me: "You make people feel really uncomfortable. You make me feel very uncomfortable."

When I asked what I did, she said: "You tend to invite yourself to things you aren't invited to."

I genuinely didn't remember doing this except once, when I asked to join her on a store trip after we'd had brunch together that same day.

The Problem With Vague Accusations

When someone tells you that you make them uncomfortable without:

• Specific examples of what you did

• Clear explanation of what bothered them

• Actionable feedback on what to change

• Compassion for your perspective

They're not trying to help you improve. They're trying to make you feel bad while appearing reasonable.

The Double Standard

Lucy had:

• Invited me to multiple events

• Gone to brunch with me

• Organized floor activities that included me

• Acted friendly for months

Then suddenly declared I made her uncomfortable—without explaining why she'd been including someone who supposedly made her so uncomfortable.

Why Autistic People Get Blamed

Autistic people are often told we make others uncomfortable because:

We're enthusiastic about potential friendships. Neurotypical people see this as "too much" or "desperate."

We don't pick up on subtle rejection. When someone doesn't explicitly say no, we assume they mean yes.

We take invitations literally. If you invite us once, we think you meant it. We don't realize it was performative.

We ask clarifying questions. This can be perceived as not "getting it" when social rules are supposed to be obvious.

What To Do When Someone Says This

If someone tells you that you make them uncomfortable:

• Ask for specific examples

• Request actionable feedback

• Consider whether their discomfort stems from your autism, not actual wrongdoing

• Evaluate whether this person has been genuine with you

• Remember that not everyone will like you, and that's okay

Sometimes people's discomfort says more about them than you.

Dropped in a Maze: My Life On The Spectrum

Sign #7: They Keep You Around Out of Obligation, Not Genuine Interest

The Moral Obligation Friend

Janet made it clear she felt morally obligated to be my friend. She stayed connected not because she enjoyed my company but because abandoning someone with my challenges would make her look bad.

This manifested in:

• Resentment when I needed support

• Keeping score of everything she did for me

• Making me feel like I owed her for tolerating me

• Treating our friendship like charity work

Signs Someone Feels Obligated

They emphasize how much they do for you. Real friends don't keep score or remind you how much they sacrifice to be your friend.

They act inconvenienced by your needs. When you reach out for support, they respond with sighs, eye rolls, or comments about how they're always there for you.

They compare themselves favorably to your other friends. "At least I'm here for you, unlike [other person]."

They make you feel guilty for wanting friendship. Your desire for connection becomes a burden they heroically bear.

The Gratitude Trap

People who feel obligated to be your friend often expect excessive gratitude:

• For including you in activities

• For responding to your messages

• For "dealing with" your autism

• For being the "only" person who tolerates you

Real friends don't require constant thanks for basic friendship behaviors.

Why This Happens to Autistic People

Autistic people are particularly vulnerable to obligation-based friendships because:

• Years of rejection make us grateful for any social connection

• We've internalized messages that we're difficult to be around

• We don't recognize when someone views us as charity work

• We mistake obligation for loyalty

Breaking Free

If someone makes you feel like a burden they've nobly chosen to carry:

• Recognize that this isn't friendship

• Stop investing emotional energy in maintaining the relationship

• Find people who genuinely enjoy your company

• Remember that you deserve friends who want you around, not ones who tolerate you

My book details how the friendship with Janet finally ended and what I learned about recognizing obligation-based relationships before investing years in them. This lesson transformed how I approach friendships today. 

Purchase a copy of Dropped in a Maze: My Life On The Spectrum today and learn how to spot Genuine Friendship

How to Spot Genuine Friendship

After all these fake friendships, I did eventually find genuine connections. Here's what real friendship looked like:

Alisha: The Real Friend

When Alisha didn't respond to my emails, my immediate thought was rejection. My therapist helped me consider other possibilities.

It turned out Alisha's father had undergone major cardiac surgery. She wasn't ignoring me—she was dealing with a family crisis.

Real friends:

• Have legitimate reasons when they're less available

• Don't play games with your feelings

• Communicate when they can

• Pick up where you left off without resentment

Wendy: The Encouraging Roommate

My first roommate, Wendy, was genuinely supportive:

• She reassured me about starting the semester with a full campus

• She didn't compare herself to me

• She was happy for me when I got to transfer dorms, even though it meant losing her roommate

• She had "impeccable manners" and a "good aura"

Real friends:

• Encourage rather than criticize

• Are happy for your successes

• Don't see your growth as a threat

• Create a comfortable, safe energy

Key Takeaways for Autistic People Navigating Friendships

You Don't Have to Accept Crumbs

Years of rejection taught me to be grateful for any social connection, even toxic ones. But accepting fake friendship out of desperation only prolongs loneliness.

It's better to be alone than to be with people who:

• Criticize you constantly

• Talk about you behind your back

• Keep you around out of obligation

• Make you feel worse about yourself

Not Everyone Has Your Best Interests at Heart

This is a hard lesson for autistic people who assume good intentions. Some people will:

• Use your naivety against you

• Take advantage of your difficulty reading social situations

• Exploit your desperation for connection

• Maintain friendly facades while harboring resentment

Trust Your Gut, But Learn to Read It

Many autistic people experience anxiety that makes it hard to distinguish genuine intuition from fear. But there's usually a difference between:

Anxiety: "What if they don't like me?" Intuition: "Something feels off about how they treat me."

Learning to recognize this difference takes time and often requires:

• Therapy to process past experiences

• Social skills training to understand patterns

• Support from people who can offer objective perspectives

• Practice trusting yourself when something doesn't feel right

Quality Over Quantity Always

Janet asked me: "What sounds better? One friend whom you could trust or having a group where you don't even know if you could trust them?"

She was right about one thing (even if her motives were wrong): one genuine friend is worth more than an entire group of fake ones.

Don't measure your social success by:

• Number of friends

• Size of your friend group

• How busy your social calendar is

Measure it by:

• How you feel after spending time with people

• Whether friendships are reciprocal

• If people celebrate you rather than criticize you

• Whether you can be yourself without fear of judgment

Social Skills Take Time—And That's Okay

Tracy said: "You should know how to read people by now. You are in college."

But social skills aren't age-dependent—they're experience-dependent. If you didn't have friends growing up, you're learning in college what others learned in childhood.

This doesn't make you behind. It makes you on a different timeline.

Be patient with yourself while learning to:

• Distinguish genuine interest from politeness

• Recognize when someone is two-faced

• Set boundaries with people who make you feel bad

• Trust your instinctive responses to people's energy

Ready to learn the complete story of navigating college friendships as a newly diagnosed autistic person? My book provides detailed accounts of these relationships, what I learned from each experience, and practical strategies for protecting yourself from fake friends while finding genuine connections. 

Get your copy today and learn from my mistakes so you don't have to repeat them.

Final Thoughts

Looking back at my sophomore year of college, I wish someone had taught me these red flags before I invested so much emotional energy in people who didn't deserve it.

Janet wasn't my friend—she was my critic who enjoyed feeling superior to someone she viewed as socially inferior.

Lucy wasn't my friend—she was someone who included me out of politeness while complaining about me behind my back.

Tracy wasn't my friend—she was a roommate who saw my social struggles as an opportunity to position herself as more evolved.

But Alisha, Wendy, and even brief connections like Phaedra showed me what real friendship could look like. Those glimpses of genuine connection kept me going through the lonely times and taught me that not everyone would treat me poorly.

The maze post-diagnosis wasn't easier than before—in some ways, it was harder because I was now hyperaware of my differences. But with each fake friendship that ended and each genuine connection that formed, I learned to navigate it better.

You will too. It just takes time, practice, and the willingness to walk away from people who don't deserve access to you.

For the complete journey through college friendships, toxic relationships, and learning to recognize genuine connection—plus practical strategies for every situation I faced—get my book today. You'll find validation, wisdom, and tools that will transform how you approach friendships as an autistic person.

5 Things That Happen When You Finally Get Your Autism Diagnosis

Getting an autism diagnosis as an adult is nothing like getting diagnosed as a child. There's no early intervention plan waiting for you. No teachers adjusting their approach. No parents advocating on your behalf.

Instead, you're sitting in a neuropsychologist's office at age 19, finally understanding why life has felt like navigating a maze blindfolded while everyone else seemed to have a map.

When I received my Asperger's Syndrome diagnosis (now classified as autism spectrum disorder) at the beginning of my fall semester in college, I experienced a flood of contradictory emotions. Relief mixed with grief. Validation tangled with frustration. Freedom alongside pain.

If you're pursuing a diagnosis, recently diagnosed, or supporting someone through this process, understanding what comes next can help you navigate the complex emotional landscape that follows those life-changing words: "You're autistic."

Table of Contents

• The Blindfold Finally Comes Off

• When Professionals Tell You What You Already Knew

• The Double-Edged Sword of Vulnerability Awareness

• Navigating Identity: "Why Couldn't I Be Normal?"

• What Depression Couldn't Explain

• Moving Forward After Diagnosis

• Key Takeaways for Late-Diagnosed Adults

1. The Blindfold Finally Comes Off

You've Been Lost in a Maze Your Entire Life

Before diagnosis, you've spent years—maybe decades—knowing something was different about you but lacking the language to explain it. You've heard:

• "You're too sensitive"

• "You just need to try harder socially"

• "Everyone struggles with this"

• "You're being dramatic"

• "It's just anxiety/depression"

You've blamed yourself for social failures, sensory overwhelm, and difficulties that seemed easy for everyone else. You've internalized the message that you're broken, defective, or simply not trying hard enough.

Suddenly, the Map Appears

Diagnosis provides the framework that makes everything make sense. All those puzzle pieces that never seemed to fit together suddenly form a coherent picture.

The strict routines you needed weren't "being difficult"—they were accommodations for autism.

The sensory issues that made certain clothes unbearable weren't "being picky"—they were legitimate neurological responses.

The social confusion that left you friendless wasn't "being weird"—it was the result of processing social information differently.

That realization brings grief alongside the relief.

In my book, I explore the complete emotional journey of receiving an autism diagnosis in college and how it shaped my understanding of everything that had happened in the years leading up to that moment. If you're navigating similar territory, knowing you're not alone in these contradictory feelings makes all the difference.

2. When Professionals Tell You What You Already Knew

The Testing Process Confirms Your Suspicions

By the time I sat down for my diagnosis appointment, I'd already completed extensive psychological testing. The neuropsychologist reviewed:

• Test results showing developmental delays and autistic traits

• My entire history from childhood through college

• Feedback from the summer internship where my immature behavior had been documented

She asked pointed questions: "How do you think your behavior came off this past summer?"

"That I didn't live up," I answered honestly.

"Do you think it is typical for people your age?" she pressed.

"No," I admitted.

Hearing the Truth Out Loud Hurts

"That behavior is very much like a child," she said directly.

Even though I knew this on some level, hearing it stated so plainly was embarrassing. The gap between my chronological age and my social-emotional development was now officially documented, not just privately suspected.

You Learn About Vulnerabilities You Didn't Know You Had

The neuropsychologist didn't just confirm autism. She pointed out specific vulnerabilities:

Naivety: "You are a bit naive, as shown by the tests. You also are immature for your age, which sets you up big time."

Risk of exploitation: "You are more at risk of being taken advantage of and used."

Susceptibility in social situations: "I strongly urge you to think twice before you even think of picking up a drink. You could easily be made to laugh and be the one made to dance on a table while everyone enjoys fun at your expense."

The Warning About College Party Culture

The neuropsychologist knew my university had a significant party scene. Her stern warning wasn't meant to shame me—it was meant to protect me.

Autistic people, especially those who are naive and desperate for social acceptance, are prime targets for exploitation. People can:

• Manipulate you into doing embarrassing things for their entertainment

• Take advantage of your literal thinking and trust

• Use your desire to fit in against you

• Exploit your difficulty reading social situations

Hearing these vulnerabilities spelled out was sobering. I went from relief at having a diagnosis to fear about how exposed I'd been all along.

What Professionals See That You Don't

The testing revealed things I hadn't fully recognized about myself:

• Developmental delays that put me behind my peers emotionally

• Autistic traits that explained my social struggles

• Naivety that made me vulnerable to manipulation

• Immaturity that others had noticed but I hadn't fully acknowledged

Sometimes the hardest part of diagnosis isn't the label itself—it's confronting the specific ways your differences have made life harder and put you at risk.

Infact, many autistic people sense they're different long before diagnosis. Discover 5 reasons why your gut knows before your brain does.

Dropped in a Maze: My Life on the Spectrum

3. The Double-Edged Sword of Vulnerability Awareness

You Suddenly Realize How Many Times You've Been Used

Once the neuropsychologist explained my naivety and vulnerability to exploitation, my mind immediately went to past experiences:

The "friends" who invited me to parties just to see my house, not to spend time with me.

The people who prompted me to act out in middle school for their entertainment.

The classmates who manipulated me into doing embarrassing things while everyone laughed.

The arranged friendship that turned out to be a business scheme.

Suddenly, all these experiences had context. I hadn't been paranoid or oversensitive—I had been vulnerable and exploited, exactly as the neuropsychologist described.

My book details the specific strategies I developed for protecting myself from exploitation after diagnosis, including how to recognize red flags in relationships and when to walk away from situations that feel unsafe. These skills are essential for any late-diagnosed autistic adult.

Ready to understand the autistic experience from the inside? Order 'Dropped in a Maze: My Life on the Spectrum' today."

4. Navigating Identity: "Why Couldn't I Be Normal?"

The Grief That Accompanies Relief

The diagnosis brought immediate relief—finally, an explanation for everything. But it also brought profound grief.

Sitting in that neuropsychologist's office with my mother, I felt the weight of a question I'd been asking my whole life: "Why couldn't I have been born normal?"

The Painful Questions That Surface

Why does it have to be so difficult? Watching peers navigate social situations effortlessly while you struggle with basic interactions is exhausting. Diagnosis confirms that this difficulty is permanent, not something you'll eventually outgrow.

Why did I have to live in a world where people don't understand? Autism doesn't just mean you're different—it means you're different in a world designed for neurotypical people. Every system, every social norm, every expectation assumes you process information the way the majority does.

Why me? This question isn't productive, but it's inevitable. Why do I have to work ten times harder for basic social competence? Why do I have to deal with sensory overload in normal environments? Why can't I just be like everyone else?

The Conflict Between Acceptance and Resentment

Diagnosis creates internal conflict:

Relief: Finally, I understand myself. Resentment: I have to live with this forever.

Validation: My struggles are real and have a name. Frustration: Knowing the cause doesn't make it easier.

Freedom: I can stop blaming myself. Pain: I have to accept limitations I didn't choose.

The Identity Shift

Before diagnosis, you might have thought: "I'm struggling, but I can fix this if I just try harder."

After diagnosis, the narrative changes: "I'm autistic. This is who I am. The world needs to accommodate me, not the other way around."

That shift from "I need to change" to "the world needs to change" is empowering but also frightening. It requires advocating for yourself in systems that don't want to accommodate you.

Simultaneous Freedom and Pain

The neuropsychologist's words—"Sonia has Asperger's Syndrome"—were simultaneously freeing and painful.

Freeing: I could stop pretending to be something I wasn't. I could seek accommodations without guilt. I could explain my needs without shame.

Painful: I had to grieve the "normal" life I'd never have. I had to accept that some things would always be harder for me. I had to come to terms with being different in a world that values conformity.

This duality is normal. You don't have to choose between relief and grief—you can feel both simultaneously.

5. What Depression Couldn't Explain

When One Diagnosis Isn't Enough

Before my autism diagnosis, I'd been diagnosed with depression. That label explained some things:

• Low mood

• Difficulty finding motivation

• Social withdrawal

• Negative self-talk

But depression didn't explain everything. There were symptoms and struggles that didn't fit neatly into a depression diagnosis.

The Gaps Depression Left

Sensory issues: Depression doesn't cause physical pain from clothing tags or inability to tolerate certain sounds. That's sensory processing differences associated with autism.

Social confusion: Depression can make you withdraw from social situations, but it doesn't explain the fundamental confusion about unwritten social rules and inability to read nonverbal cues.

Literal thinking: Missing sarcasm, taking things at face value, and struggling with abstract concepts aren't depression symptoms—they're autistic traits.

Need for routine: Depression can disrupt routines, but autism creates a neurological need for predictability and sameness that has nothing to do with mood.

Special interests: The intense focus on specific topics that brings joy isn't explained by depression—it's a core feature of autism.

Autism as the Missing Piece

The autism diagnosis filled in the gaps that depression left. It explained:

• Why social situations were confusing, not just uncomfortable

• Why sensory experiences could be physically painful

• Why routines weren't just comforting but necessary

• Why I thought differently than my peers in fundamental ways

• Why certain behaviors that seemed immature were actually neurological differences

As an autistic person, you'll find valuable insights in Sonia's podcast about navigating Autism Diagnosis.

Depression Was Real, But It Wasn't the Whole Picture

Many autistic people are diagnosed with depression or anxiety first because mental health professionals are more familiar with those conditions. The underlying autism goes unrecognized, especially in girls and women who mask their autistic traits.

In my case, depression was real and valid. The years of bullying, social rejection, and feeling fundamentally broken had absolutely caused depression.

But the depression was secondary to the autism. I was depressed because I was an undiagnosed autistic person trying to survive in a neurotypical world without support or understanding.

The Relief of Complete Understanding

Having both diagnoses—depression and autism—finally provided a complete picture.

The autism explained the fundamental differences in how I processed the world.

The depression explained my emotional response to years of struggling with those differences without support.

Together, they gave me a roadmap for what I needed: autism-informed therapy, accommodations for my neurological differences, and treatment for the depression that resulted from years of struggling alone.

Moving Forward After Diagnosis

What Comes Next

Diagnosis isn't the end of the journey—it's the beginning of a new chapter. After those words "you're autistic," you face important decisions:

Who do you tell? Coming out as autistic to family, friends, employers, and educators is a personal choice with real consequences. Not everyone will understand or be supportive.

What accommodations do you need? In college, I could now request academic accommodations through disability services. In work settings, adults can request reasonable accommodations under the ADA.

How do you process the grief? The loss of the "normal" life you thought you'd have is real and deserves to be mourned. Therapy, support groups, and connecting with other autistic adults can help.

What strengths can you lean into? Autism isn't just deficits. Many autistic people have exceptional abilities in areas of interest, pattern recognition, attention to detail, and creative thinking.

Building Your Support System

After diagnosis, you need people who understand:

• Other autistic adults who share your experiences

• Therapists trained in autism (not just childhood autism)

• Family and friends willing to learn and accommodate

• Medical professionals who take your sensory needs seriously

• Educators or employers who provide necessary supports

Reframing Your Past

Diagnosis allows you to look back at your life with new understanding:

Those "behavioral problems" in school? Autistic meltdowns from sensory overload.

That "immaturity" everyone criticized? Developmental delays that are part of autism.

Those "failed friendships"? Difficulty with unwritten social rules, not personal failings.

That "sensitivity"? Sensory processing differences and emotional intensity.

Reframing your past through an autistic lens reduces shame and increases self-compassion.

Embracing Your Autistic Identity

Over time, many late-diagnosed adults shift from viewing autism as a deficit to embracing it as identity. This doesn't mean denying real challenges—it means recognizing that autism is a fundamental part of who you are, not something to be cured or hidden.

This journey from diagnosis to acceptance isn't linear. You'll have days when you wish you were neurotypical and days when you appreciate your unique perspective. Both are valid.

Key Takeaways for Late-Diagnosed Adults

Your Diagnosis Is Valid

Whether you were diagnosed at 5, 19, or 55, your autism diagnosis is legitimate. Late diagnosis doesn't mean your autism is less real—it means it was overlooked or misunderstood for years.

Contradictory Emotions Are Normal

Feeling relief and grief simultaneously isn't confusing—it's completely normal. You can be grateful for understanding while also mourning the support you should have received years ago.

You're Not Alone

Thousands of adults are diagnosed with autism every year. The autistic community includes people diagnosed at every age, and late-diagnosed adults often have unique insights and experiences that help others.

Depression and Autism Often Co-Occur

If you have both diagnoses, you're not unusual. Many autistic people develop depression or anxiety from years of struggling without support. Treating both conditions is important for overall wellbeing.

Vulnerability Awareness Is Protective

Learning about your specific vulnerabilities—naivety, difficulty reading social situations, susceptibility to manipulation—isn't meant to scare you. It's meant to help you protect yourself going forward.

You Deserved Better

You deserved to be diagnosed earlier. You deserved accommodations and support. You deserved understanding instead of criticism. Acknowledging this isn't dwelling on the past—it's validating your experience.

The Future Can Be Different

With diagnosis comes access to:

• Appropriate therapeutic support

• Accommodations in education and employment

• Community with other autistic people

• Self-understanding that reduces shame

• Strategies tailored to your specific needs

Your past may have been filled with confusion and struggle, but your future can include acceptance, support, and thriving as your authentic autistic self.

Ready to explore the complete journey from diagnosis through self-acceptance? My book provides the full story of receiving an autism diagnosis in college and learning to navigate the world as an openly autistic adult. 

Final Thoughts

Walking out of that neuropsychologist's office with my autism diagnosis, I carried a complex mix of emotions that would take years to fully process. The relief of finally understanding myself. The grief of all the years I'd struggled without support. The fear of future vulnerabilities. The hope that maybe, finally, things could be different.

If you're reading this as a newly diagnosed adult or someone considering evaluation, know that these feelings are valid and shared by countless others who've walked this path.

Diagnosis doesn't fix everything—but it gives you the framework to understand everything. And that understanding, painful as it sometimes is, is the foundation for building a life that works with your neurology instead of against it.

The blindfold is off. The maze is still there, but now you can see it clearly. And seeing it clearly is the first step toward finding your way through.

For the complete story of life before, during, and after autism diagnosis—including practical strategies for navigating college, relationships, and self-advocacy as an autistic adult—get my book today. 

A Parent's Guide to Supporting Neurodiverse Children

Parenting is challenging. Parenting a neurodiverse child brings unique complexities that many parents feel unprepared to handle. From sensory meltdowns in public places to navigating school systems that don't always understand your child's needs, the journey can feel overwhelming.

But what if we shifted our perspective from fixing deficits to celebrating strengths? What if sensory sensitivities weren't just challenges to overcome, but signals helping us understand how our children experience the world?

Sarah Hartley, author of the Purposefully Me book series and creator of the ALIGN parenting method, has walked this path with both of her sons who have ADHD and sensory processing disorder. In a recent episode of On the Spectrum Empowerment Stories, she shared practical strategies that transformed her family's approach to neurodiversity.

Whether you're a parent of a neurodiverse child, an educator, or someone navigating your own late diagnosis, these insights will help you move from survival mode to thriving together.

Table of Contents

• Early Warning Signs: What to Watch For

• The Pandemic's Impact on Sensory-Seeking Children

• Building a Sensory Gym at Home

• The ALIGN Method: Staying Calm When It Matters Most

• Shifting to a Strengths-Based Approach

• Getting Support Into Schools

• Key Takeaways for Parents and Educators

Early Warning Signs: What to Watch For

Walking on Tippy Toes

One of the first signs Sarah noticed in her oldest son was toe walking around age two. Her sister-in-law, whose own children had sensory sensitivities, pointed this out as something to watch for.

Toe walking is a common indicator of sensory processing differences, particularly in children who are vestibular avoiders—meaning they feel like they're constantly in motion and struggle with balance-related activities.

Other Early Indicators of Sensory Processing Disorder

Tactile sensitivities:

• Refusing to touch certain textures like play-doh or slime

• Discomfort with food textures or messy hands

• Sensitivity to clothing tags or seams

Auditory sensitivities:

• Covering ears at sudden or loud noises

• Being startled by sounds like door slams or fire alarms

• Tolerating only self-created noise versus external sounds

Temperature regulation:

• Extreme resistance to getting in the bath or shower

• Once in, refusing to get out due to temperature changes

• Difficulty with transitions between warm and cold environments

Seeking behaviors:

• Craving deep pressure through strong hugs

• Deliberately crashing into things or falling

• Constantly moving or fidgeting

The Mixed Profile Challenge

Sarah's oldest son presented as both a vestibular avoider and a proprioceptive seeker—avoiding swinging and bike riding while simultaneously seeking deep pressure and crashing activities.

This mixed profile is common in sensory processing disorder. Children aren't simply "sensory seeking" or "sensory avoiding." They often display both patterns across different sensory systems, making intervention more complex.

Understanding your child's specific sensory profile is the first step toward providing appropriate support.

The Pandemic's Impact on Sensory-Seeking Children

When Early Intervention Stopped

For many families with neurodiverse children, the pandemic created devastating setbacks. Sarah's oldest son was just starting to make progress with occupational therapy when everything shut down in March 2020.

The anxiety from losing structure and routine became so severe that her then-three-year-old stopped sleeping. His four-month-old brother was waking throughout the night, and the entire household was in crisis.

Creative Problem-Solving During Lockdown

Sarah made a difficult decision: she kept her newborn home but sent her older son to daycare for structure and routine. She also enlisted family members to help build an entire sensory gym in their garage.

The gym included:

• A climbing wall with chalkboard paint and magnetic backing

• A large crash pad

• A jungle gym

• A ball pit for proprioceptive input

This dedicated sensory space became crucial for managing her son's sensory needs when professional therapy wasn't available.

The Lasting Impact

Children who were certain ages during the pandemic experienced unique challenges. Sarah notes that while her oldest barely remembers wearing masks to preschool graduation, the developmental impact of missing crucial therapy and social experiences during formative years cannot be understated.

For parents still dealing with pandemic-related setbacks in their children's development, know that you're not alone. Many children are still catching up from that lost time.

Want to hear Sarah's complete story about navigating the pandemic with two neurodiverse children? Listen to the full episode of On the Spectrum Empowerment Stories for more insights on creative problem-solving during impossible circumstances.

Building a Sensory Gym at Home

Beyond Equipment: Organization of Sensory Input

Sarah discovered something crucial: it's not just about providing sensory input, but about organizing that sensory input in meaningful ways.

Instead of just letting her son climb the wall or play in the ball pit, she created activities that combined sensory input with cognitive tasks:

Climbing wall activities:

• Place magnetic letters at the top in a jumbled order

• Have your child climb to retrieve letters one at a time

• Bring letters down to spell a specific word

Ball pit activities:

• Ask for specific colored balls one at a time

• Request a certain number of one color

• Create patterns or sequences

This approach provides sensory input while simultaneously teaching organization, sequencing, and following multi-step directions.

The Long-Term Investment

Most of the sensory gym equipment has been retired as Sarah's children aged, but the crash pad remains. Both boys, now ages 9 and 6, still use it regularly.

Her youngest has also discovered gymnastics, which provides structured sensory input similar to what the home gym offered. He's constantly doing flips on furniture and cartwheels on any patch of grass—reminiscent of Sarah's own childhood behavior that she now recognizes as her undiagnosed ADHD.

Sound Therapy at Home

Sarah's occupational therapist provided a classical music soundtrack with intentionally scratchy sounds as part of sound therapy. While her son wouldn't wear headphones, they played it every time they were in the car.

This is similar to auditory integration therapy, which helps desensitize the auditory system to certain frequencies. Consistency matters more than duration—daily exposure in the car was more effective than occasional sessions with headphones.

The ALIGN Method: Staying Calm When It Matters Most

When Traditional Strategies Aren't Enough

Sarah developed the ALIGN method out of necessity. She had tried various calming strategies—morning walks, meditation, journaling—but struggled most in the moment when her children were dysregulated.

As a parent with ADHD herself, she found that noises that never bothered her before (like coming home from school) became overwhelming triggers. She needed a quick, actionable framework for regulating herself so her children could mirror her calm.

The ALIGN Framework Explained

A - Awareness Become aware of your own physical sensations. Notice your heart racing, sweating, tight fists, or shallow breathing. Metacognition—thinking about your thinking—is the first step.

L - Listen and Label Listen to what your child is saying and label the emotions. "You're feeling overwhelmed. I'm feeling overwhelmed too." Naming emotions reduces their intensity.

I - Identify Triggers Become a detective. What's causing the dysregulation? Is it sensory overload? Hunger? Fatigue? Transitions? Identifying the trigger helps you address the root cause.

G - Grounding Use a quick grounding technique to reset the nervous system:

• Take a sip of water

• Find three things of a specific color

• Use the 5-4-3-2-1 technique (five things you see, four you can touch, etc.)

• Play I Spy

N - Nurture Show empathy and give grace. "I totally understand why you're feeling this way. I get it." You cannot hold empathy and anger simultaneously—empathy dissolves anger.

Real-World Application: The Baseball Game

At a Savannah Bananas game, Sarah's son became overwhelmed waiting in a long line in the heat with crowds, smells, and sounds everywhere. He started complaining: "This is boring. This is awful. I thought you said this would be fun."

Sarah's immediate instinct was frustration—they'd spent money on tickets, and here he was being "ungrateful."

Instead, she used ALIGN:

Awareness: She noticed her own heart racing, sweating, tight fists.

Listen and Label: "It's really hot outside. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I think you're feeling overwhelmed too."

Identify: "There are so many smells, sounds, and people. This is sensory overload."

Grounding: "Let's both take a sip of water and find three things that are purple."

Nurture: "I totally understand why you're feeling this way. I'm also feeling really overwhelmed. The line's moving—do you want to go in and visit the gift shop, or would you rather go home?"

Within 60 seconds, her son decided he wanted to go in and get a ball signed by players. Crisis averted, connection maintained.

This is just one example of the ALIGN method in action. For more detailed strategies and Sarah's complete parenting workbook, listen to the full podcast episode where she walks through additional scenarios and provides free holiday-specific resources.

Shifting to a Strengths-Based Approach

The Deficit Model vs. Strengths Model

Traditional approaches to neurodiversity focus on what's "wrong" and what needs to be "fixed." Children are defined by their deficits: attention problems, social difficulties, sensory issues.

Sarah's Purposefully Me book series takes a different approach. Each of the 14 books features a fourth-grade character with different neurodivergent traits—autism, ADHD, dyslexia, Down syndrome, sensory processing disorder—but focuses on their strengths, interests, and unique perspectives.

Why Fourth Grade?

Sarah chose fourth-graders as her characters intentionally. Third grade is when hormones start changing, conflict increases, and many ADHD diagnoses happen as academic demands increase. By fourth grade, these challenges are in full swing.

Fourth-graders are old enough for third-graders to look up to but young enough for fifth-graders to still relate to. This age range captures most of elementary school.

Celebrities Who Prove the Point

When Sarah's basketball-obsessed son learned that Michael Jordan has ADHD, it transformed his self-perception. Suddenly, ADHD wasn't just a limitation—it was something he shared with his hero.

Other successful people with ADHD include:

• Simone Biles (gymnastics)

• Adam Levine (musician)

• Justin Timberlake (entertainer)

• Will Smith (actor)

When children see successful people "just like them," they develop confidence in who they are rather than shame about being different.

The Creativity Connection

Recent research presented at psychological conferences highlights how ADHD supports creativity. The same brain that struggles with sustained attention excels at:

• Seeing connections others miss

• Thinking outside conventional frameworks

• Hyperfocusing on passion projects

• Generating novel ideas rapidly

This applies across neurodiversity. Autistic individuals often have exceptional pattern recognition, attention to detail, and deep expertise in areas of interest. Sensory sensitivities can translate into heightened awareness and appreciation for art, music, or nature.

Getting Support Into Schools

The Ultimate Goal

Sarah's mission extends beyond individual families. She's working to get the Purposefully Me books into school systems through foundation partnerships.

Her proposal targets foundations focused on:

• Dyslexia support

• Children's literacy programs

• Educational equity

• Special education resources

The idea is for foundations to gift box sets of these books to schools, making them available to all students—not just those identified as neurodiverse.

Why Every Child Benefits

Even neurotypical children benefit from understanding neurodiversity. These books help them:

• Recognize why a classmate might behave differently

• Develop empathy and compassion

• See characteristics as superpowers rather than disabilities

• Understand that everyone's dealing with something

When schools embrace comprehensive neurodiversity education, bullying decreases and inclusion increases. Children who understand why a peer stims, needs movement breaks, or processes information differently are less likely to mock and more likely to support.

The Slow Rollout

Sarah is releasing one book per month to ensure high-quality illustrations that evoke appropriate emotions. Books currently available or coming soon:

• Purposefully Brave (available now)

• Purposefully Calm - sensory processing disorder (available this week)

• Purposefully Enough - ADHD (printing now)

Additional titles will address autism, dyslexia, Down syndrome, bullying, social anxiety, school drills, and more aspects of the neurodivergent experience.

How Parents Can Advocate

While Sarah works on getting her books into school systems, parents can advocate by:

• Requesting neurodiversity education for all students, not just special education classes

• Donating inclusive books to classroom libraries

• Asking for professional development on strengths-based approaches

• Partnering with teachers to provide resources

• Joining or forming parent advocacy groups

Change happens when parents collectively push for better understanding and support.

Key Takeaways for Parents and Educators

Early Identification Matters

The earlier you identify sensory sensitivities and neurodivergent traits, the sooner you can provide appropriate support. Don't dismiss early warning signs—trust your instincts and seek evaluation if something feels off.

You're Parenting Yourself Too

If you're a neurodiverse parent raising neurodiverse children, you're on a parallel journey. Many strategies you implement for your children will benefit you as well. Sarah describes it as "parenting myself as much as I'm parenting them."

Regulate Yourself First

Children mirror the emotional state of their caregivers. When you remain calm, they can access calm. When you're dysregulated, they become dysregulated. The ALIGN method helps you manage your own nervous system so you can be the regulating presence your child needs.

Mixed Profiles Are Normal

Don't expect your child to fit neatly into one category. Sensory avoiders can also be sensory seekers in different domains. ADHD often co-occurs with sensory processing disorder, autism, dyslexia, or giftedness. Embrace the complexity rather than trying to simplify.

Strengths Over Deficits

Yes, your child has challenges. But they also have incredible strengths. The ADHD brain that struggles with boring tasks hyperfocuses intensely on passions. The autistic mind that finds social situations confusing sees patterns and details others miss. The sensory-sensitive child has heightened awareness that can translate into artistic gifts.

Focus on developing strengths rather than only remediating weaknesses.

Late Diagnosis Brings Relief

Sarah wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until age 25, and it didn't fully click until she had children and started understanding her own neurodiversity in her 30s and 40s. Late diagnosis isn't a failure—it's an opportunity to finally understand yourself and access appropriate support.

Connection Over Perfection

You won't always stay calm. You'll sometimes yell and fly off the handle. What matters is repair—explaining what happened, showing empathy, and modeling that everyone struggles sometimes. This builds trust that carries into the teenage years.

Sarah shares many more practical strategies, personal stories, and resources in the full podcast episode. Listen now to hear her discuss everything from sound therapy protocols to navigating school IEPs to managing decision fatigue as a neurodiverse parent.

Moving Forward with Confidence

Parenting neurodiverse children requires creativity, flexibility, and endless patience. But it also offers unique gifts: deeper empathy, appreciation for differences, creative problem-solving skills, and the joy of celebrating progress that others might take for granted.

Sarah's journey from building sensory gyms during a pandemic to developing comprehensive parenting frameworks and children's books demonstrates what's possible when we shift from deficit-focused to strengths-based approaches.

Whether you're just beginning to notice sensory sensitivities in your toddler or you're years into supporting a neurodiverse child, remember:

• You're not alone in this journey

• Your child's differences are not deficiencies

• Regulating yourself is the foundation for regulating them

• Strengths-based approaches work better than deficit-focused interventions

• Small shifts in perspective create massive changes in outcomes

The ALIGN method provides a practical framework for those overwhelming moments when everything feels like too much. Sarah's books give children language to understand themselves and others. And shifting from "what's wrong" to "what's strong" transforms how your child sees themselves.

Ready to dive deeper into strengths-based parenting strategies and learn more about Sarah's journey with her neurodiverse sons? 

Listen to the complete On the Spectrum Empowerment Stories podcast episode featuring Sarah Hartley. 

The Journey to Autism Diagnosis: 7 Signs You Might Have Missed in Young Adults

Getting an autism diagnosis as a young adult can feel like finally finding the missing piece of a lifelong puzzle. For years, you've struggled with social connections, sensory sensitivities, and feeling fundamentally different from your peers without understanding why. When someone finally suggests autism spectrum disorder, everything suddenly makes sense.

The path to diagnosis often begins when a perceptive educator, therapist, or family member recognizes patterns that have been present all along. Understanding these signs can help young adults and their families seek appropriate evaluation and support, potentially transforming their entire trajectory.

Late diagnosis is incredibly common, especially for individuals who masked their symptoms or didn't fit stereotypical presentations. Recognizing the signs that point toward autism can be life-changing, providing clarity, self-understanding, and access to resources that make navigating the world significantly easier.

Table of Contents

• Teachers and Educators Often Notice Patterns First

• Difficulty Reading Social Cues and Unspoken Rules

• Intense Special Interests That Don't Fade

• Sensory Sensitivities That Persist Into Adulthood

• Challenges With Tone and Communication Style

• Difficulty Letting Go of Interests or Ideas

• Mirroring Behavior Without Understanding Context

1. Teachers and Educators Often Notice Patterns First

Educators who work with neurodivergent students develop keen observational skills for recognizing autism spectrum traits. When a teacher encounters a new student on the spectrum, they often mentally review former students who displayed similar characteristics but were never diagnosed.

Elementary school teachers particularly notice patterns in their students that persist across years. They observe which children struggle with loud sounds, have difficulty navigating social situations, need extra guidance understanding unspoken rules, and face challenges with routine transitions. These observations create a mental database of characteristics.

Years later, when a teacher becomes educated about autism spectrum disorder through professional development or working with a diagnosed student, they may have profound realizations about former students. The sensory issues, social navigation difficulties, and need for explicit instruction suddenly form a recognizable pattern pointing toward undiagnosed autism.

These educators often take extraordinary steps to help, including reaching out to families years after a student has left their classroom. Their outside perspective and pattern recognition can be invaluable in starting the diagnostic journey, as they've observed the individual in demanding social environments where differences become most apparent.

Want to understand how one teacher's recognition changed everything? Order your copy now to read the complete story of recognition, diagnosis, and finally understanding why everything felt so difficult.

Dropped in a Maze: My Life On The Spectrum

2. Difficulty Reading Social Cues and Unspoken Rules

One of the most persistent challenges for individuals on the autism spectrum is interpreting the unwritten social rules that neurotypical people navigate intuitively. These unspoken guidelines govern everything from conversation flow to friendship boundaries to understanding when someone is being genuine versus polite.

Young adults with undiagnosed autism often struggle to understand why their social attempts fail. They try to be friendly but get feedback that they're "trying too hard." They attempt to join conversations but somehow say the wrong thing. They mirror what they see others doing but get negative reactions for the same behavior.

The confusion stems from missing subtle cues about timing, context, and appropriateness. While neurotypical peers instinctively know when to share personal information, when to give space, and how to gauge interest levels, autistic individuals must consciously analyze these situations without a reliable internal compass.

This difficulty extends to reading relationships accurately. Understanding whether someone is truly a friend or just being polite, whether interest is genuine or obligatory, and whether relationships are reciprocal or one-sided requires reading nuanced signals that may not register clearly for autistic individuals.

3. Intense Special Interests That Don't Fade

Neurotypical individuals typically have varied interests that shift over time with reasonable intensity. Autistic individuals often develop deep, consuming interests that can last months or years, dominating their thoughts and conversations in ways that others find unusual or excessive.

These special interests might focus on specific people, topics, hobbies, or fields of study. The intensity goes beyond typical enthusiasm—it becomes all-consuming, with the person wanting to discuss the interest constantly, learn everything about it, and incorporate it into most aspects of their life.

For young adults, special interests might manifest as intense focus on particular crushes that persist despite clear unavailability, deep dives into academic subjects that captivate them, or fascination with understanding how relationships and social connections work. The interest doesn't fade when others suggest moving on; it continues until it naturally runs its course. Also, as someone on the autism spectrum, you'll benefit from the neurodivergent-affirming approach in Sonia's podcast.

Others often find these intense interests off-putting or inappropriate, particularly when they involve real people or social situations. Well-meaning friends might provide feedback that the person talks about their interest too much, but the autistic individual genuinely struggles to understand why or how to moderate their enthusiasm.

4. Sensory Sensitivities That Persist Into Adulthood

Many people assume sensory issues are exclusively childhood concerns that fade with maturity. For autistic individuals, sensory sensitivities often persist throughout life, though people may develop better coping strategies or masking techniques that hide their discomfort.

These sensitivities can involve any sense: hypersensitivity to loud sounds, uncomfortable reactions to certain textures or fabrics, strong responses to smells, visual overwhelm in busy environments, or tactile defensiveness. The individual may need specific accommodations that seem unusual to others.

Young adults with undiagnosed autism often develop self-soothing strategies involving sensory input. They might seek out specific locations that provide calming sensory experiences, like fountains with visual appeal and soothing sounds, or quiet spaces away from overwhelming stimuli. These aren't random preferences but necessary regulation tools.

When sensory needs have been present since childhood—requiring interventions like hearing desensitization therapy, showing strong food texture preferences, or demonstrating clear sensory-seeking or sensory-avoiding behaviors—they warrant consideration as part of a broader autism assessment.

Many autistic people sense they're different long before diagnosis. Discover 5 reasons why your gut knows before your brain does

5. Challenges With Tone and Communication Style

Autistic individuals frequently struggle with both producing and interpreting appropriate tone. They may speak in ways that sound harsher or more direct than intended, or they may miss when others are using harsh tones with them. This creates frequent misunderstandings and relationship conflicts.

Others might describe them as "taking things too personally" or being "overly sensitive," but the issue isn't sensitivity—it's difficulty accurately reading emotional content in communication. When someone speaks in a certain way, the autistic person may interpret it literally rather than picking up on intended nuance or social softening.

Conversely, when an autistic person speaks, they may come across as rude, blunt, or aggressive when they simply mean to be honest or direct. They don't naturally add the social padding that neurotypical communication includes, leading to feedback that they're being inappropriate or disrespectful.

This communication gap creates ongoing friction in relationships. Roommates, friends, and colleagues may feel offended by direct communication while the autistic individual remains confused about what they did wrong. Meanwhile, they may feel genuinely hurt by others' tone but get dismissed as oversensitive.

Curious about how communication challenges and sensory needs affect daily college life? Purchase your copy to see how these challenges played out in real situations.

Dropped in a Maze: My Life On The Spectrum

6. Difficulty Letting Go of Interests or Ideas

Cognitive flexibility—the ability to shift focus, adapt to change, and let go of ideas that aren't working—is often challenging for autistic individuals. This manifests as perseveration, where they continue pursuing something despite clear feedback that it's not working or appropriate.

This might look like continuing to pursue a romantic interest despite clear unavailability, repeatedly bringing up topics others have asked them to drop, or struggling to abandon approaches that aren't succeeding. The person isn't being intentionally stubborn; they genuinely struggle to redirect their focus.

Friends and family often become frustrated, repeatedly giving the same advice about moving on or changing approach. The autistic person may intellectually understand the feedback but find it extremely difficult to actually shift their thinking and behavior. The interest or idea maintains its grip despite conscious efforts to let go.

This perseveration creates patterns of repeatedly making the same social mistakes even after receiving feedback. Others interpret this as not listening or not caring about their input, when actually the person is struggling with neurological differences in cognitive flexibility and impulse control.

7. Mirroring Behavior Without Understanding Context

Many autistic individuals develop masking strategies where they observe and copy others' behavior to fit in socially. However, without understanding the underlying social rules and context, this mirroring often backfires, leading to negative reactions that confuse the autistic person.

They might notice a friend casually entering rooms without knocking and try the same behavior, only to be told they're being rude or invasive. They observe others sharing personal information and attempt similar sharing, but get feedback that they're oversharing or being inappropriate.

The confusion stems from not recognizing the nuanced contexts that make certain behaviors acceptable in some situations but not others. Relationships have different levels of intimacy with corresponding appropriate behaviors, but these hierarchies aren't always obvious to autistic individuals.

This creates painful situations where the person genuinely tries to fit in by copying what they see, only to face rejection and criticism. They followed what appeared to be the social blueprint but missed invisible factors like relationship closeness, timing, or reciprocal consent that made the behavior appropriate for others.

The Relief and Clarity of Diagnosis

Receiving an autism diagnosis as a young adult often brings profound relief rather than distress. Suddenly, years of confusion, failed social attempts, and feeling fundamentally different make sense. The diagnosis isn't a limitation—it's an explanation and a roadmap.

Understanding autism spectrum disorder allows individuals to stop blaming themselves for struggles that stem from neurological differences. They can learn specific strategies for their challenges, connect with others who share similar experiences, and advocate for accommodations that help them thrive.

The diagnostic process typically involves comprehensive neuropsychological testing that examines social cognition, communication patterns, sensory processing, and cognitive functioning. These evaluations provide detailed insights into an individual's specific profile of strengths and challenges.

For families and educators, diagnosis enables appropriate support and understanding. Instead of interpreting behaviors as willful or character flaws, everyone can recognize them as manifestations of autism and respond with appropriate strategies rather than punishment or criticism.

Moving Forward With Understanding

If these signs resonate with your experience or that of someone you care about, pursuing evaluation with a neuropsychologist or autism specialist can provide life-changing clarity. Late diagnosis is increasingly common as understanding of autism spectrum disorder expands beyond childhood stereotypes.

The journey to diagnosis may feel long and sometimes frustrating, but the self-understanding and validation it provides makes the process worthwhile. Knowing you're autistic doesn't limit your potential—it helps you understand yourself better and access the right supports for success.

Whether you're an educator noticing patterns in students, a family member concerned about a loved one, or a young adult recognizing yourself in these descriptions, taking steps toward evaluation demonstrates wisdom and self-advocacy. Understanding your neurology empowers you to work with your brain rather than against it.

Purchase Dropped in a Maze: My Life on Spectrum today to explore the detailed path to diagnosis and discover how understanding changes everything.