How to Stand Up for Yourself

"Just stand up for yourself." "Give them a taste of their own medicine." "Put them in their place." If you're being bullied, you've probably heard this advice countless times from well-meaning adults.

It sounds empowering. It sounds like the solution. But for autistic teens who struggle with social cues and context, this kind of black-and-white advice can backfire spectacularly—turning you from victim to villain in the eyes of everyone around you.

I learned this the hard way during my freshman year of high school. After years of bullying in middle school, my parents found me a therapist who promised to teach me how to defend myself. Dr. Shah's advice was simple: "If someone is being rude to you, give them a double dose of what they've given you. Let them have it!"

It made sense. It felt empowering. And it completely blew up in my face.

This is the story of why standard "stand up for yourself" advice doesn't work for autistic people, what actually does work, and how to navigate social conflicts when you can't read the invisible rules everyone else seems to understand instinctively.

Table of Contents

• When Therapy Advice Misses the Mark

• The Pickleball Incident: When Standing Up Goes Wrong

• Why Literal Interpretation Creates Problems

• The Pattern That Kept Repeating

• What Actually Works: Better Strategies for Self-Advocacy

• Finding Safe Spaces Outside of School

• Key Takeaways for Teens and Parents

• Moving Forward

When Therapy Advice Misses the Mark

At the start of freshman year, my parents' biggest fear was a repeat of my sixth-grade behavioral outbursts. Forest Ridge High School was made up of the same people from middle school, plus a few students from St. Joseph's Catholic School. Everyone already had established friend groups from community sports and church. I was still the outsider.

My mom made sure I started seeing a therapist right away. When I met Dr. Shah, I was impressed. She was sharp and picked up on my peculiarities immediately:

• Delayed social skills compared to my peers

• Different and awkward facial expressions

• Lack of eye contact during conversation

Dr. Shah taught me social skills, including how to stand up to bullies. Her advice was clear and confident:

"You have to put people in their place. If someone is being rude to you, then give them a double dose of what they've given you. Let them have it! No one should treat people that way. And when you stand up for yourself, they won't."

Her idea made me smile. Maybe this was the answer I'd been looking for. Maybe if I just showed people I wouldn't take their abuse anymore, they'd finally respect me.

I didn't know if I could actually do it, but I was willing to try anything to avoid getting picked on again.

The Problem with One-Size-Fits-All Advice

Here's what Dr. Shah didn't account for: autistic people tend to take advice very literally. We don't automatically understand:

• When to apply the advice and when not to

• How much is "standing up for yourself" versus "going too far"

• The social context that determines appropriate responses

• The invisible line between assertiveness and aggression

Neurotypical people have an instinct for these nuances. They can read a room, gauge reactions, and adjust their approach on the fly. For autistic people, these invisible rules might as well be written in a language we don't speak.

The Pickleball Incident: When Standing Up Goes Wrong

The first place I tried Dr. Shah's advice was gym class during our pickleball unit. While other students paired up in teams of two, I played solo against Misty's team.

I wasn't coordinated or athletic. I missed the ball frequently and moved slowly. The comments came from multiple directions:

"You couldn't hit that ball?" "Can't you move any faster?" "Pick up the damn ball, and hurry up!"

The frustration and irritation built up inside me. Following Dr. Shah's advice, I told people to "shut up" and "fuck off."

As we left the court, Misty suddenly tried to be nice. "That was fun. We should do that again."

This confused me, but I remembered what Dr. Shah taught me. I had to stick up for myself. I didn't like how snippy Misty had been the entire time, so I used the exact phrase Dr. Shah had taught me:

"You were being so rude, and now you are being so nice. What is your scenario?"

Misty looked shocked. "Excuse me, but you told me to fuck off."

She went around telling other girls, "Sonia is such a trip," laughing about it with everyone.

When Things Escalated Further

I didn't think anything was funny. I turned to a classmate from a different grade and said, "Some freshman girls are just bitches."

Another classmate overheard me and said, "You're a bitch, too, because you're a freshman."

Then she went to others and twisted my words: "Sonia said you're bitches because you're freshmen."

That's not what I said at all, but it didn't matter. Girls started giving me deadly stares. People kept their distance. I was confused and hurt. I thought I was simply standing up for myself like Dr. Shah told me to.

The Therapist's Response

When I told Dr. Shah what happened, she said, "It's good not to be too over-eager or too nice at school, but Sonia, you have to be careful about name-calling."

I took part of her advice to heart. I started ignoring people I thought were fake, especially the popular girls. But I never really understood why I couldn't retaliate with name-calling if I felt attacked. If they could call me names, why couldn't I defend myself the same way?

This is where the advice broke down for me. The rules weren't clear. The boundaries weren't defined. And I was left to figure out the invisible line on my own.

In my book, I explore the complete aftermath of this incident and detail the specific communication strategies that actually work for autistic teens trying to navigate social conflicts without making things worse.

Why Literal Interpretation Creates Problems

Autistic people are often very literal thinkers. When Dr. Shah said "give them a double dose of what they've given you," I heard:

• If they're rude, be rude back

• If they curse at me, curse at them

• Match their energy exactly

What she probably meant was something more nuanced:

• Stand firm in your boundaries

• Don't let people walk all over you

• Respond assertively but appropriately

But those subtleties weren't spelled out. And without clear guidelines on when, where, and how much to push back, I applied the advice indiscriminately.

The Gym Class Locker Room Problem

Gym class presented another challenge. During dodgeball and soccer units, the teacher had one team turn their gym shirts inside out to distinguish teams.

The first time the teacher gave this order, I didn't comply. I was afraid of being laughed at because I didn't know how to turn my shirt around without my bra showing, the way other girls seemed to do effortlessly.

Eventually, I had to comply to avoid looking defiant. But I couldn't do it without showing my bra. Girls started noticing and staring. I felt uncomfortable with the way their eyes wandered during shirt-turning times.

Then I overheard a conversation where this became a topic of discussion. Of course, they brought up the middle school swimming unit locker room drama. Even guys who hadn't attended the same middle school heard about it.

I couldn't escape my past mistakes, and every new situation felt like a trap waiting to spring.

The Spanish Class Confrontation

Spanish class was another place where my snappy, defensive side emerged. A classmate repeatedly called me "Sanya" after I corrected her pronunciation of my name. She continued saying "Sanya" in a sardonic tone.

I told her I wasn't going to answer to that name. She laughed and became defensive herself, exclaiming loudly to others: "Sonia just gets worked up over nothing."

I was following what Dr. Shah taught me, hoping people would learn to respect me. Instead, I got the opposite of respect. I became more of a target, more of a pariah.

What I Should Have Done Instead

Looking back, I could have handled the Spanish class situation differently:

• Responded in a way that wasn't defensive

• Tried going along with it by mispronouncing her name in the same joking manner

• Said something light like "Who is Sanya? I don't know her"

• Used humor to deflect instead of confrontation to escalate

But these strategies require reading social context and understanding tone. They require knowing when someone is genuinely trying to hurt you versus when they're just teasing. For autistic people, that distinction isn't always clear.

The Pattern That Kept Repeating

Every Friday, I would call Dr. Shah crying out of loneliness. I felt alone and alienated at school every single day. I sat by myself at lunch tables, then moved to the Hangout Area where I'd sit alone again, either doing homework or watching other people socialize.

I was trying to learn social skills through observation, but watching isn't the same as understanding. I could see what people did, but I couldn't figure out why it worked for them and not for me.

Dr. Shah had me read a book about friendships that talked about learning hobbies, dressing nicely, and being interesting so people would want to be around you. But by freshman year, I didn't have hobbies. I didn't know what I was good at or what interested me. I had no idea who I even was. My self-concept never really had a chance to develop or be explored.

The Tennis Recommendation

Dr. Shah recommended to my parents that I learn a sport. She introduced us to the Love All Tennis Club in a nearby town, about 15 minutes from Forest Ridge. She knew one of the tennis instructors because he taught her family.

I grew to like tennis, and eventually, tennis became my anchor to get through high school. It gave me something I was working toward, something where I could measure progress, something that was mine.

Sports and hobbies won't solve social problems, but they provide structure, purpose, and sometimes a community of people who share your interests rather than your history.

Finding Safe Spaces Outside of School

Dr. Shah emphasized the importance of trying to make friends outside of school. She insisted I attend a Halloween Party at a place called the After School Center. I finally agreed because, honestly, who doesn't like Halloween candy and themed desserts?

The person in charge, Ruth, was dressed as the wicked witch from The Wizard of Oz. Her excitement in welcoming me was refreshing. There were activities everywhere—scary movies in one room, dancing in the gymnasium, people sitting on bleachers.

After touring the place, Ruth introduced me to a group of girls on the bleachers. Within minutes, I realized they were talking about wanting to beat up someone who was at the party that night.

I was immediately turned off. I didn't know how to leave the conversation gracefully, so I tried to divert by talking to the person next to me. She immediately launched into intense topics about wanting to drop out of school because she was failing.

I got up and left altogether. My dad and brother had been watching scary movies in the other room, so I found them and we went home.

I later learned the After School Center was for at-risk youth to keep them off the streets. The conversation that night made complete sense in that context.

The Temple Experience

The next place I tried was the Hindu Temple, about an hour from Forest Ridge. I signed up for two classes: Bhagavad Gita and Hindi.

When I first attended the Bhagavad Gita class, people were welcoming. I struck up a good conversation with someone named Bhavna. We ate lunch together in the temple cafeteria, bonded over TV shows, movies, and tennis. We exchanged numbers and had a phone conversation after my second visit.

We even discussed making plans to go shopping together after temple. I thought I was finally making progress.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

When Friendship Disappeared Without Explanation

The next time I attended class, Bhavna treated me like I'd done something horrible. She didn't acknowledge me at all. When I tried to talk to her during a break, she blew me off and continued her conversation with another friend. That friend gave me a sympathetic look, but Bhavna remained standoffish.

I never found out what happened. My first automatic thought was "another friendship failure." After all, it was easy to assume the problem was me because of my relentless social challenges.

But here's something important: it's easy for people on the autism spectrum to believe that every rejection or mistreatment is about something they said or did. However, that isn't always the case. Sometimes it's about the other person and their own shortcomings.

After that experience, I stopped going to the classes. I figured if I was going to be driven an hour away just to be treated poorly, what was the point? I was already dealing with enough rejection at school. I deserved better.

The full story of these friendship attempts—and the crucial lessons about when to keep trying and when to walk away—is something I explore extensively in my book. Understanding this distinction is vital for protecting your mental health while still remaining open to genuine connections.

What Actually Works: Better Strategies for Self-Advocacy

After years of trial and error, I've learned that effective self-advocacy for autistic people looks different than the standard "stand up for yourself" advice. Here's what actually works:

Understand Your Literal Interpretation Tendency

When someone gives you advice, ask clarifying questions:

• "Can you give me specific examples of when I should use this?"

• "What are situations where this approach wouldn't work?"

• "How do I know if I've gone too far?"

• "What does 'standing up for myself' look like in different contexts?"

Don't assume you understand the nuances. Ask for explicit guidelines.

Learn the Difference Between Types of Conflict

Not all negative interactions require the same response:

Genuine bullying (intentional, repeated, power imbalance)

• Document incidents

• Report to trusted adults

• Remove yourself from the situation when possible

• Don't engage directly with the bully

Teasing that includes you (joking, reciprocal, everyone's laughing together)

• Try responding with light humor

• Don't take it personally

• Observe how others respond in similar situations

Teasing that excludes you (mocking, one-sided, laughing at you not with you)

• State clearly: "I don't find that funny"

• Walk away

• Don't try to joke back if you can't read whether it will land well

Misunderstandings (confusion, miscommunication, no malice intended)

• Ask clarifying questions

• Explain your perspective calmly

• Give people the benefit of the doubt initially

Use "I" Statements Instead of Attacks

Instead of: "You're being rude!" Try: "I feel uncomfortable when you talk to me that way."

Instead of: "What is your scenario?" Try: "I'm confused because you seemed upset earlier, but now you seem friendly. Can you help me understand?"

Instead of: "Some freshman girls are just bitches." Try: "I'm having a hard time with some of the social dynamics in our class."

"I" statements express your feelings without attacking others. They're less likely to escalate conflicts.

Know When to Walk Away

Sometimes the best self-advocacy is recognizing when a situation isn't worth your energy:

• If people consistently disrespect you, find different people

• If an environment is toxic, seek healthier spaces

• If someone blows you off without explanation, accept it and move on

• If "standing up for yourself" consistently makes things worse, try a different approach

Walking away isn't weakness. It's wisdom.

Find Your Anchors

Develop interests, hobbies, or activities that:

• Give you purpose beyond social acceptance

• Provide measurable progress you can see

• Connect you with people who share interests, not history

• Build confidence in areas where you can succeed

For me, tennis became that anchor. It gave me something stable when everything else felt chaotic.

In my book, I provide a comprehensive guide to these strategies with real-life examples, scripts you can use in different situations, and step-by-step approaches for building genuine self-advocacy skills that work for autistic people.

Key Takeaways for Teens and Parents

For Autistic Teens

Standard advice often doesn't account for literal thinking. When adults give you social advice, ask for specific examples and clear boundaries. Don't assume you understand all the unspoken nuances.

Not every conflict requires confrontation. Sometimes the most powerful response is no response at all. Learn to distinguish between situations that require action and situations that require distance.

Your confusion is valid. If you don't understand why something that seemed like self-advocacy backfired, that's not a personal failure. The social rules are genuinely confusing and often contradictory.

Find spaces where you can be yourself. Whether it's a hobby, sport, or interest-based community, having places where you're valued for what you contribute rather than judged for how you socialize makes an enormous difference.

Walking away is a form of self-respect. You don't have to keep trying with people who consistently reject or mistreat you. Protecting your mental health by removing yourself from toxic situations is healthy self-advocacy.

For Parents and Therapists

Be specific with social advice. Don't assume autistic teens will understand implied nuances. Provide explicit examples, contexts, and boundaries for when advice applies and when it doesn't.

Teach distinction between conflict types. Help your teen understand the difference between bullying, teasing, misunderstandings, and genuine malice. Each requires a different response strategy.

Monitor how advice is being applied. Check in regularly to see if the strategies you've taught are working or backfiring. Be ready to adjust your approach based on real results.

Prioritize mental health over social success. If pursuing friendships or social integration is causing significant distress, it's okay to pull back and focus on building confidence in other areas first.

Create opportunities outside school. School is one ecosystem with established social hierarchies. Extracurricular activities, hobby-based groups, and community programs offer fresh starts with different people.

Validate their interpretation. When an autistic teen applies advice literally and it goes wrong, don't just correct them. Acknowledge that your advice wasn't clear enough. Take responsibility for the miscommunication.

Moving Forward

The "stand up for yourself" advice I received from Dr. Shah was well-intentioned but fundamentally flawed for someone who processes social interactions literally. It turned me from a victim of bullying into someone who appeared aggressive and confrontational—making my social isolation worse, not better.

If you're struggling with similar challenges—or if you're a parent or therapist trying to help an autistic teen navigate social conflicts, my book provides the detailed guidance I wish I'd had during those difficult high school years. It's filled with specific strategies, real conversations, and practical approaches that account for how autistic people actually think and process social situations.