5 Signs You've Found the Right Therapist (And 3 Red Flags You're With the Wrong One)
Finding the right therapist can feel like searching for a needle in a haystack—especially when you're autistic, dealing with trauma, or struggling with issues that most practitioners don't fully understand. You show up vulnerable and desperate for help, only to leave sessions feeling dismissed, misunderstood, or worse than when you arrived.
Not all therapy is good therapy. Not all therapists are equipped to handle the specific challenges autistic people face. And sometimes, what sounds like helpful advice in the moment is actually reinforcing the exact patterns that are keeping you stuck.
After self-harm brought me to a breaking point in law school, my parents insisted I find therapeutic help. What followed was a journey through different practitioners—some who offered genuine insight, others who said things that were ultimately harmful, and eventually finding someone who understood both autism and the deeper work I needed.
This is about recognizing when you're getting real help versus when you're wasting time and money on therapy that isn't serving you.
Table of Contents
Good Sign #1: They Tell You Hard Truths You Need to Hear
Good Sign #2: They Help You Understand Patterns, Not Just Feelings
Good Sign #3: They Teach You Practical Self-Protection Skills
Good Sign #4: They Have Specific Expertise in Your Challenges
Good Sign #5: They See Your Bigger Picture, Not Just Your Symptoms
Red Flag #1: They Make Dismissive Statements About Your Struggles
Red Flag #2: They Tell You What You're "Meant" or "Not Meant" to Have
Red Flag #3: They Don't Specialize in What You Actually Need
How to Find the Right Therapeutic Support
Key Takeaways for Choosing Your Therapist
Moving Forward
Good Sign #1: They Tell You Hard Truths You Need to Hear
The Assignment You're Avoiding
After revealing my self-harm to my parents during their visit, they insisted I see a local therapist near law school. This therapist was willing to say something nobody else had directly addressed:
"We all have an assignment we have to do before our time is up on Earth. If you are feeling unfulfilled in a career path you are on, and it is more than just one bad day, then perhaps this is not your assignment."
Why This Matters
A good therapist doesn't just validate your feelings—they help you see uncomfortable truths you're avoiding.
In my case:
I was deeply unhappy in law school
The unhappiness wasn't temporary or situational
I was living a "brainwashed lie" of who I thought I needed to be
Law wasn't my assignment, but I was too scared to admit it
The Difference Between Hard Truth and Harsh Criticism
Hard truth:
Comes from a place of wanting you to live authentically
Helps you see patterns you've been denying
Gives you permission to make changes you're afraid to make
Focuses on your wellbeing, not others' expectations
Harsh criticism:
Focuses on what's wrong with you
Reinforces shame and inadequacy
Doesn't offer pathways forward
Makes you feel worse without clarity on what to change
A therapist who can deliver hard truths with compassion is helping you break through denial into authentic living.
When You're Too Scared to Hear It
At the time, I was too scared to act on this truth. The fear of disappointing parents, of admitting I'd chosen wrong, of having to start over—all of it kept me frozen.
But the therapist planted a seed. She named the reality I couldn't yet speak: You're in the wrong place, living the wrong life, and your suffering is telling you that.
Eventually, that truth became impossible to ignore.
Good Sign #2: They Help You Understand Patterns, Not Just Feelings
Beyond Surface Emotions
Good therapy doesn't just help you feel better temporarily. It helps you understand why things keep happening the way they do.
This therapist taught me about human behavior in ways that gave me a framework for understanding my experiences:
"People know whom to target and go after. It's like how sharks are able to detect their prey. People go after those whom they feel they can go after."
Why Pattern Recognition Matters
Understanding patterns helps you:
Recognize when you're being targeted rather than believing something is wrong with you.
Identify what makes you vulnerable to exploitation or mistreatment.
Make different choices based on understanding dynamics, not just reacting emotionally.
See your role in patterns without drowning in shame about it.
The Vulnerability You Carry
The therapist identified something crucial: "There is a vulnerability about you that you carry around."
This wasn't an insult. It was important information.
For autistic people, this vulnerability often comes from:
Social naivety that others can detect and exploit
Desperation for connection that makes you overlook red flags
Difficulty reading intentions, leaving you open to manipulation
Past trauma that hasn't been processed, creating visible wounds
Understanding this vulnerability is the first step toward protecting yourself from people who will take advantage of it.
Good Sign #3: They Teach You Practical Self-Protection Skills
More Than Just Awareness
Awareness without skills doesn't create change. A good therapist gives you specific strategies you can implement immediately.
This therapist taught me practical self-protection:
About keeping your head held up high: Physical posture matters. The way you carry yourself signals to others whether you're an easy target.
About standing up for yourself: Not just conceptually, but with specific language and boundaries.
About shutting down inappropriate topics: "If people talk about dating issues and are harping you for not being like them, you need to learn to start saying 'that is not up for discussion.'"
Why This Phrase Matters
"That is not up for discussion" is a complete sentence. It requires no explanation, no justification, no defense.
For autistic people who struggle with:
Over-explaining ourselves
Feeling obligated to answer every question
Not knowing how to set boundaries politely
Fearing we'll seem rude if we don't engage
This phrase is revolutionary. It's a boundary that protects you without requiring social finesse to execute.
Teaching About Red Flags
The therapist also helped me understand red flags in men's behavior with blunt honesty:
"A man who flirts with everyone is not special."
She explained that someone who behaves flirtatiously with everyone isn't showing you genuine interest—he's just operating from his natural pattern. The behavior means nothing about you specifically.
This helped me understand that Demetrious's flirtatiousness wasn't special attention. It was his standard operating procedure with everyone.
These kinds of practical skills and frameworks, explained in greater detail throughout my book, are what actually create change in your life, not just insight into why you feel bad.
Good Sign #4: They Have Specific Expertise in Your Challenges
When General Practice Isn't Enough
After attending an autism conference in Chicago, my parents heard keynote speaker Dr. Grey present on autism spectrum behaviors and social blindness. They were impressed by his specific knowledge about:
Repetitious patterns of behavior in autistic people
Social blindness and how it manifests
Autism-specific challenges in social situations
This led them to get his contact information, and I soon found myself in his office.
Why Specialization Matters
General therapists, however well-meaning, often:
Lack understanding of how autism affects everything from social interaction to emotional processing to sensory experiences.
Apply neurotypical frameworks that don't account for different neurological wiring.
Miss crucial context about why certain things are harder for autistic people.
Give advice that works for neurotypical people but fails for autistic clients.
What Autism-Specific Expertise Provides
A therapist with autism expertise:
Understands repetitious thought patterns as neurological, not just behavioral
Recognizes social blindness as a genuine processing difference
Doesn't pathologize autistic traits or try to make you "normal"
Offers strategies designed for how autistic brains actually work
Can distinguish between autistic traits and mental health conditions
When my parents saw Dr. Grey present with clear, specific knowledge about autism, they recognized this was expertise I needed access to. Watch out for these 7 Red Flags of Unethical Mental Health Practice when seeking care
Good Sign #5: They See Your Bigger Picture, Not Just Your Symptoms
Beyond the Presenting Problem
I came to therapy because of self-harm. But good therapists understand that surface behaviors always point to deeper issues.
The self-harm wasn't the problem. It was a symptom of:
Being in a career path that wasn't mine
Years of unprocessed rejection and trauma
Lack of genuine self-worth
Trying to be someone I wasn't to meet others' expectations
Accumulated pain with no healthy outlet
What "Seeing the Bigger Picture" Means
A therapist who sees your bigger picture:
Connects current struggles to past experiences rather than treating each problem in isolation.
Understands how different issues intersect—autism, trauma, depression, social isolation, career dissatisfaction.
Addresses root causes instead of just managing symptoms.
Helps you see patterns across your life that explain why you're stuck.
Works toward authentic living rather than just reducing distress.
The Question of Your Assignment
When the therapist said "perhaps this is not your assignment," she was seeing the bigger picture:
My unhappiness wasn't just about one bad semester
Law school was the wrong path for my authentic self
I was living according to others' expectations, not my own values
The pain would continue until I aligned with my true assignment
This is deeper work than "how do I feel better in law school." This is "why are you in law school in the first place?"
Red Flag #1: They Make Dismissive Statements About Your Struggles
When Good Advice Turns Harmful
The same therapist who offered valuable insights also said things that were ultimately dismissive:
"You aren't meant to have friends right now." "You aren't meant to have a boyfriend." "You could've had a boyfriend years ago."
Why These Statements Are Harmful
They dismiss the real struggle of being autistic in a neurotypical social world.
They frame isolation as destiny rather than addressing the barriers preventing connection.
They suggest you should accept loneliness rather than working to build genuine relationships.
They lack empathy for how painful social isolation actually is.
They offer no pathway forward—just acceptance of a painful reality.
The Impact of Dismissive Statements
Hearing "you aren't meant to have friends right now" when you're desperately lonely:
Reinforces that something is fundamentally wrong with you
Suggests your desire for connection is the problem
Provides no skills for building the friendships you need
Makes isolation feel permanent and unchangeable
These statements felt like the therapist was giving up on the possibility of my social life improving, rather than helping me understand what needed to change to make improvement possible.
What Should Have Been Said Instead
A more helpful approach:
"Building friendships is challenging for autistic people, and it requires specific skills and strategies. Let's work on those."
"The relationships you've had haven't been healthy. Let's focus on what genuine friendship looks like and how to recognize it."
"Your current social strategies aren't working. Here's what we can try differently."
Red Flag #2: They Tell You What You're "Meant" or "Not Meant" to Have
The Problem With Destiny Language
Saying someone is "meant" or "not meant" to have something removed agency and suggests their circumstances are fixed and unchangeable.
This language is particularly harmful for autistic people who:
Already feel fundamentally different and broken
Struggle with social connections that seem effortless for others
Wonder if they're capable of the relationships they see others have
Need to believe change is possible to keep trying
What This Language Communicates
"You aren't meant to have friends right now" communicates:
Your loneliness is somehow cosmically ordained
There's nothing you can do about it
Wanting friends is futile or misguided
You should accept isolation as your fate
This is the opposite of empowering therapeutic language.
The Alternative
Empowering therapeutic language:
"Your current approach to friendships hasn't worked. Let's figure out why and try something different."
"Building authentic connections takes time and specific skills. Here's what we'll work on."
"You haven't yet built the friendships you want, but that doesn't mean you can't. Here's how we'll get there."
This language maintains hope while being realistic about the work required.
Red Flag #3: They Don't Specialize in What You Actually Need
The Generalist Problem
Many therapists are trained in general mental health support but lack specific expertise in:
Autism spectrum disorders
Trauma-informed approaches
Self-harm and crisis intervention
Social skills development for autistic adults
Career and identity issues
When your challenges span multiple specialized areas, a generalist may provide surface-level support without addressing the depth of what you're dealing with.
Why My Parents Sought Dr. Grey
After hearing Dr. Grey speak specifically about:
Autism spectrum behaviors
Social blindness
Repetitious patterns in autistic people
My parents recognized this was specialized knowledge I needed access to. His expertise wasn't just general therapy—it was autism-specific understanding.
The complete story of my therapeutic journey, including what eventually worked with Dr. Grey and other practitioners, is detailed in my book. Understanding what to look for in therapy can save you years of ineffective treatment.
How to Find the Right Therapeutic Support
Step 1: Identify What You Actually Need
Before searching for a therapist, clarify:
Do you need autism-specific expertise?
Is trauma a primary concern?
Are you dealing with specific issues like self-harm or crisis?
Do you need help with social skills, relationships, or life direction?
What hasn't worked in past therapy?
Be specific. "I need someone who understands autism" is better than "I need therapy."
Step 2: Research Specializations
Look for therapists who specifically list:
Autism spectrum disorders (especially adult autism)
Trauma-informed care
CBT, DBT, or other evidence-based approaches
Experience with your specific demographic
Don't settle for "general mental health" if you need specialized support.
Step 3: Ask Direct Questions in Initial Consultations
In your first session or consultation call, ask:
"What experience do you have working with autistic adults?"
"How do you approach social skills development?"
"What's your understanding of how autism affects relationships?"
"Have you worked with clients dealing with [your specific issue]?"
Their answers will tell you if they have real expertise or are winging it.
Step 4: Trust Your Gut About Fit
Even a qualified therapist might not be the right fit for you. Pay attention to:
Do you feel understood or constantly misunderstood?
Are they teaching you new skills or just validating feelings?
Do you leave sessions with clarity or more confusion?
Are they dismissive or empowering?
Do they see your potential or just your deficits?
Step 5: Don't Stay With the Wrong Therapist Out of Obligation
If therapy isn't helping after several sessions, it's okay to:
Tell them it's not the right fit
Ask for a referral to someone more specialized
Simply stop scheduling and find someone new
You don't owe anyone your time and money when they're not serving you well.
Step 6: Look for These Green Flags
The right therapist:
Tells you hard truths with compassion
Teaches practical skills, not just provides support
Has specific expertise in your needs
Sees your bigger picture, not just symptoms
Empowers rather than dismisses
Makes you feel hopeful about change, not hopeless about your circumstances
Get your copy of Dropped in a Maze: My Life On The Spectrum today.
Key Takeaways for Choosing Your Therapist
Good Therapy Challenges You to Grow
The therapist who told me "perhaps this is not your assignment" was challenging me to admit an uncomfortable truth. That's good therapy—not comfortable, but necessary.
Dismissive Language Reveals Underlying Attitudes
When a therapist says "you aren't meant to have friends right now," they're revealing they don't believe in your capacity for change in that area. That's a problem.
Specialization Matters for Complex Needs
Autism plus trauma plus social struggles plus career crisis requires more than general counseling. Seek specialists who understand your specific constellation of challenges.
You Can Switch Therapists
Just because you started with someone doesn't mean you're obligated to stay. If it's not working, find someone better suited to your needs.
Trust Takes Time, But Dismissiveness Happens Fast
Give a new therapist a few sessions to build trust and understand your situation. But if they're dismissive or harmful from the start, that's unlikely to improve.
The Right Therapist Sees Your Potential
Not just your problems, not just your diagnosis, not just your current struggles—but who you could become with the right support.
Moving Forward
Finding the right therapist transformed my trajectory. The wrong therapists provided surface support, made dismissive comments, or lacked the specific expertise I needed. But the practitioners who understood autism, could deliver hard truths with compassion, and taught practical skills made real change possible.
If you're currently in therapy that isn't helping, know that it's not that therapy doesn't work—it's that you haven't yet found the right therapeutic approach or practitioner for your specific needs.
Ready to learn the complete story of navigating therapy as an autistic person in crisis, my book provides everything you need to make informed choices about your own therapeutic journey.
Get your copy of Dropped in a Maze: My Life On The Spectrum today.